It sounds to me like you are brain-washing your J-wife and training her with the help of a therapist to be something she is naturally not….

She asked her whether she was attracted to anyone, like a movie star etc, and the wife said not really. The therapist was kind of stumped I think.

So a few days later, we were watching tv with an actor who used to be a stripper, and he took his shirt off during a show. I asked her if she thought he was attractive. She said yes. I asked her whether there was anything I could do to be more attractive to her. She replied that I could have better abs and stronger legs. She said I used to have stronger legs years ago. I was a little shocked by this because on the one hand I’m glad she admitted she could be attracted to someone, and that I could change to become more attractive (although I am in quite good shape already), on the other hand I thought it was weird because I have always commented positively about her appearance even though she has gained more weight than me. I have never been negative about anything with her. So this is interesting. Maybe she’s just saying that to make it seem like she could be attractive to someone even though underneath she really doesn’t care. I don’t know.

Then I asked her whether she had been to a strip club before. Turns out when she was in her early twenties she went to one with her female friend and there was live sex going on stage which I thought was cool. I think this is what is confusing to the therapist because on the one hand there is a conservative society in many respects, and on the other hand you have live sex at strip clubs. I’ve been to strip clubs before but never seen that kind of stuff before.

I guess this fits in well with the change in Japanese families after kids but I’m really curious about our next meeting with the therapist after I tell them about these new things that happened. The wife still may try to change and be more non-sexually intimate now, I’m just waiting to see what happens.

A question–
I have a samsung galaxy note (brand new top of the range android phone), and REALLY want to keep it to use in Japan! It seems like all the carriers are really opposed to letting anyone use a phone they havn’t bought from the carrier (and they charge so much for them too…)–

I would be happy with Docomo I think, but I havn’t been able to find them selling a sim (with unlimited data) anywhere… Could somebody post a link to the docomo sim only option, which you guys have been talking about??
Its a shame b mobile doesn’t provide push, because it seems pretty great apart from that…

Thanks a heap for the help!

So my revelation from your illuminating comments about “etchi” is that the Japanese do not have a cultural understanding of “making love” and all that it encompasses beyond just the intercourse. For them, intercourse (sex) serves two purposes: either for ‘etchi’ pleasures, or for procreating. The idea of sex as a way to strengthen the bond between partners (especially after marriage & kids) is foreign to them. They might see it in movies and want to copy the ideal of it, but they cannot intrinsically FEEL the act of ‘making love’ since it is not part of their cultural vocabulary.

The difficult part is that we, as non-Japanese in this blog, know what is missing in the relationship. But, the Japanese don’t know, and so it never occurs to them that it is necessary. And even if they did, for most of them, it would be too much ‘work’ to try and find out…

“Sometimes I feel some kind of fooled, even though I haven’t done my homework and did not know anything about Japanese marriage perceptions…, it was my fault assuming it would be similar to western standards” I feel the same way foled everyday too…but I think they didn’t it know this either, cause they don’t know our standards, they think that their standards are Ok and that’s normal. I think that at the beginning they are just to excite to be with somebody who is “different” and loving so they can somehow feel not only loved in a special way but different from the group, people will tell them good compliments and they might feel some kind of special, my husband told me that at the beginning “I’m so proud to introduce you to my friends!” But after marriage they just forget the special, the magic, the spark and they start to look in us all the bad stuff that is an insult to their culture. I can’t generalize in millions of japanese it can be real different people but what I know from my own experience and looking at my friends the japanese spouses always are trying to change their gaijin partner even the smallest things. I have spend years learning the culture, the language and the manners as polite and perfect can be but for my husband I still can’t get the real understanding of such a rich culture, and one of those things is not show what you have in your mind, don’t show your feelings to others, wth! Why we have to be us the gaijins spouses the ones who push so hard when they just stay in their comfort zone.

And yes, well I go to the gym and try to exercise as much as I can, my husband has his own business and doesn’t work until late so he always come around dinner time, I think because he likes my food, I never repeat a dish in a month and always try to prepare something new, I realize I have been doing this unconsciously to somehow catch his attention on me cause I know how he loves food, but that doesn’t work either…any way cooking has become one of my escapes too now. But tomorrow I’l go out to a club with my girlfriend, my husband doesn’t even care if I come late too, I can’t understand why he never ever get jealous, are the girls like that too?

“the lack of emotional affection and desire from my wife is the thing which I miss the most, much more than just sex by it” Me too…the lack of emotional affection is worse than the lack of sex…

And I like the idea to chat with other people married with japanese, actually just coming to this forum has helped me a lot. I was in internet trying to look for something to tell me I wasn’t crazy and I found this page, I was in shock to read all the posts and experiences most from guys but so so similar to mine…so it came to my mind a gaijin male friend I was talking years ago who was complaining that her wife after having kids was so different, she took all his salary and didn’t gave him back to much, she didn’t care to look appealing and beautiful anymore and when he wanted to have intimancy most of the time she had headaches and when they could she only opened her legs like a death thing, looked at the ceiling and made no sound…Omg I can’t even imagine to be able to do that. My friend told me he felt he was raping her cause wasn’t a reciprocal thing. I never though all japanese wives changed so much as the males, I just though my friend was unlucky and besides his wife wasn’t very social either. The tips of how stimulate your night and your partner with toys, clothes, candles, music or wherever just doesn’t work for them, at least after they’re marriage and specially with kids.

For now I need to start forgetting and expecting anything from my husband for the sake of my heart and wellbeing. My dream was to love and be loved from the man I choose for the rest of my life since cheating was something I was always against, but I can’t go the rest of my life living without affection and love…this is just more than somebody can take…

So sad everybody is disperse, we should make a club of the heartbreaks gaijins spouses! lol

@Nelson Even we can understand the language the “Ecchi” word tells me a lot of their perception of what we call “Make Love” for them “Ecchi” has a meaning of “Dirty, Naughty, Pervert and Frivolous thing” That’s how they see it, that’s how they sell it too with the manga.

Your daughter is already 12 and goes to school and your husband is working long hours, I assume, So, do you have something which keeps you out of the house, like a hobby or so?

“I hope God will forgive me but sooner or later I’m afraid I’ll commit adultery, something that goes against my morals and my dream of a family but how else can you survive?? And what if I do it and I feel emptier after that…I’m a woman, I need some emotional things involve not just body.”
I had the same concerns just two months ago…
When I chose going this path, I first had real problems to look at myself, because I really thought I became a very bad person. But however, it’s now better.

If you want to go this path, I guess you should go slowly and take your time to get to used to your new freedom.
I did not have a date for almost 6 years with other women, so I feel it now refreshing just to go to a (first) date and also just talking is fine.
If you are afraid of feeling more empty afterwards, it is may better to look for (long term) dates more than for one-night-stands, which in fact can be perceived quite empty afterwards…

For me ons are not an option at the moment, as I already feel quite empty due to my personal situation. In fact, the lack of emotional affection and desire from my wife is the thing which I miss the most, much more than just sex by it.

So maybe you just start having a look for western males married to Japanese females and just begin a chat about “the situation” without any intentions… it can work wonders just to talk about it first…

But I don’t want / can’t consider you doing that, but I gained a lot of enjoyment back since I’m doing it…

Another point regarding “t’s just amazing that they all have the exactly response for all of us…you only think of sex?“
The thing which makes me upset every time I get this answer is:
They exactly knew us quite a long time and what and how often we like to do it. And I’m now convinced that they also know how they gonna change (I just have not seen the signs)…
it would have been nothing but fair to state that clearly, before getting married

(Sometimes I feel some kind of fooled, even though I haven’t done my homework and did not know anything about Japanese marriage perceptions…, it was my fault assuming it would be similar to western standards)

@Nelson
Good point.
It’s fine that the mother-child relashionship is the strongest, I guess if I had a child I could live with that. But does this mean to actually neglect and ignore the emotional needs of your spouse? I just can’t get that

As it seems sex takes part everywhere here but between husband and wife…
I really doubt that one can learn this “new language” in Japan. They are just too much cultural things against it…

Thanks for that post. It’s great to hear a female’s perspective. But it’s also discouraging to see that it happens to non-Japanese wives as well as husbands. If nothing else, it helps confirm the cultural depth of the mother-child relationship, and how it is the strongest familial bond; and the husband-wife relationship being most similar to roommates, or a brother-sister relationship in the Western sense.
Your point of the Japanese calling sex “echi” really drives home the point. Just as some words have no equivalent translation from one language to another, Japanese culture may simply have never fully developed sex as part of an overall intimate and sharing relationship among husband and wife… it’s just not part of their “vocabulary” so to speak, and must be learned, like a new language… Of course, one must WANT and make an EFFORT to learn a new language if they are to acquire it.

Thank you for your insight too. Yes I live in Japan, and excuse my poor english since this is not my first language. My husband too loved intimacy for the first years, but I think that the same happens with the japanese females, he got so into our child that he totally forget I was in there. And every time I asked him about it was the same response…we have great things to share…our house, our kid, bla bla bla

I think japanese people (well some of them are not like that, but that must be a minority) doesn’t think of sex as a way of communicate and make relationships stronger, as a way of enjoying and loving each other, they perceive it like something mechanic and dirty that you should not put too much time or effort on it, or you need to make it when you want to have babys, actually I was very surprise when a japanese female friend of mine who was married too told me “do you do Echi with your husband?” So I told Oh this is the way they see it like “Echi” you know this means “Dirty” Echi o Suru “Do Something Dirty” in japanese, I was in shock…
It’s a total different point of view of intimacy, I could never understand why most of all my japanese friends females after they had kids they want to sleep with their kids on a futon and leave their husbands alone, I think he doesn’t care too much either.

I’m sad you have the same problem and it’s just amazing that they all have the exacly response for all of us…you only think of sex? I don’t want to say what you already know but it’s not going to change, just like my partner…I love my husband and I will do anything to be only with him till I die because despite of the sexless life he as a man has so many good attributes that I appreciate but humanly it’s just impossible! How can you live and sleep with somebody you love without been able to touch her/him? And specially is worst for me cause the japanese man doesn’t like when the woman wants to start something, it’s a big turn off for them, if it happens it’s because he is the one who decides. I hope God will forgive me but sooner or later I’m afraid I’ll commit adultery, something that goes agains my morals and my dream of a family but how else can you survive?? And what if I do it and I feel more empty after that…I’m a woman, I need some emotional things involve not just body.
And you know that I have 3 female friends who have been here in Japan longer than me and there situations was the same as mine, my friends advice was, “look you have too to stop looking at your husband as your man and looking at him as just the father of your kid and as a family because that’s the way they look at us, and you should go and meet someone else too just like we do” So I think that if we want to keep living with our spouses (in my case for the sake of my kid) we have to learn the Art of Gaman or just say Sayonara to our morals and bring some happiness to ours life…

Am with you on that. I can say the simplest, most trivial thing and she will project years of marriage onto it.

Is it possible that your wife gave you the silent treatment to cause you to leave her so she wouldn’t have to take the blame?