I’ve had sex with my S.O. a lot, and it’s continued for several, several years already with no end in sight. The trick is to never let your mind grow old. Both of you must have the willpower to keep evolving in spirit, and to never stagnate when you reach middle-age and have those stupid “mid-life crises.” You can beat that. Mind over matter.

If you really must be so draconian about your sex habits and need ample tips, having porn around for both of you to watch helps, as well as engaging in threesomes with hot lonely Japanese wives during vacations. Pretty easy to find those. Let it out. Like in Vegas right.

Everyone really just needs to quit having all these hangups already. About anything, sex life, what you wear. Throw all those hangups out of the window.

Any wife who refuses to put out consistently is really lame in my opinion, I’m sorry. “Oh man I’m a bitch, I’m tired because I didn’t take it a little easier in the day and I didn’t make up for it. Oh man, my female friend said something that put seeds of doubt into my head so I’m gonna deny sex and not explain why. Oh man, I didn’t even TRY wild and abandoned sleepsex or even do Kegel exercises and I don’t know what I’m missing so I’m going to deny you sex, bye.” It’s always those fucking excuses that women came to me with every single time they wanted some sort of relationship advice, holy shit.

But any husband who does the same is also lame. Sex is very very important in your relationship, right up there next to your Respect and Love and Trust for each other.

I know women are creatures that like connection during sex. But it’s pretty easy to figure out. Even if you date a bitch for 4 years, you should be ready to break it off if either of you ever lose interest, otherwise you will definitely be settling for Mr. or Mrs. “Right-Now” instead of “Perfect”, as the saying goes. Don’t be an underachiever, no woman wants that, right?

I know being submissive is a fetish only for some, but damn, women are submissive by default and it feels exhilarating to simply “service” your husband EVEN when you as the woman don’t feel like having sex. It starts off as a “no,” then it becomes a “yes.” If this isn’t the case for her then maybe you should go find somebody else, or you’ll just be stuck in a marriage with less sex than you’d like, as a man. Nobody said you had to stick around with anybody. Nobody’s forcing you, certainly not her. If two people don’t mesh well, then they don’t mesh well. You’re not treating anybody like a product if you dump somebody plainly because she won’t put out.

Marriage does NOT have to be such a “pain” that everyone else around me seems to keep thinking. You simply are not trying hard enough to bring your standards of perfection up. There’s nearly 7 billion people on this planet and if you can’t traverse the earth for a hot busty or flat-chested girl or tranny of your dreams ready to put out AND be your best video game partner AND be your confidante, then you basically have failed.

Don’t be average.
Shoot for the sky, you know?

God, nobody ever tries anymore, it makes me sad when I hear about sexless marriages and mine is absolutely thriving. Especially when I’m probably going to fuck YOUR wife someday, her in between me and my husband. Tch.

Older people can be such boring dinosaurs. My way isn’t the path to destruction either. Religion also is a source for sooooooooo many hangups during sex, it’s not even funny anymore. Sigh.

the girlfriend is still in London finishing whatever course it was that she was doing. I had got attached to her to be honest and so breaking it off was a bit difficult, but it had to be done. I also realised that I had far more in my relationship with my wife. For the girlfriend I was just a bit of fun abroad and she was never going to entertain the idea of anything more serious. We broke contact, and I haven’t heard from her since.

jobs…. mmm.

It might be too early to say (been here only 11 wks, and arrived end of year) but it seems a lot slower than 5 years ago. Got something but only a short contract. Wondering also if my age is going against me now. 44, but here that seems ancient for some reason. The wife is happy to be back … not sure really if I am yet.

If I had had a career back in the UK I would not have come back here. Getting old in Japan… do I really want to do that?

good to see your post.

keep posting, and asking Qs

Anru

It\’s been a long time … hope you are well. we came back to nippon (osaka) at the start of Nov. 09.

things are very good. thank you.

after confessing the affair back in Oct 09 it has been full on sex with the wife – more than I can ever have imagined!! In fact, there are times I wish she\’d just go to sleep.she is up for up EVERY night!!! ….yes!! EVERY night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, to all you sex-starved gaijin married to a japanese women who has stopped wanting sex: have an affair and tell her! OK, it depends on your situation, but for us it worked wonders. It was just the thing my missus needed to hear to get her back on track. And to be honest my wife was always much better than the girlfriend anyway. So I\’m a happy man – except for the job situation…. wow is it quiet here.

so what\’s happening with you kayumochi?

If interested, you could look back at those old posts of mine and see what my story was – my first post was #30 (30 Mar 2007 at 12:16 am) – but for now I will just say… hmmm… say what? Well, I wish I had known then what I know now! (By “then”, I mean both back in 2007 when I first posted here, and way back in 1993 when I married the Japanese woman whom I still love very much.)

I started to write a brief summary of what has gone on in our marriage since my last post of July ’07, but that “brief” update became 3 pages and isn’t close to finished. I’ll probably edit down what I’ve got and post it here soon, but I’ll just say that I’m surviving – our 4 kids make me prouder every day, my wife and I are still together, and it continues to be hard. That said, we’re definitely better off now than before. Things have definitely improved, but the change has been glacial. I have continually had to lower my expectations and expand the time frame in which I expect to see changes.

I will post more later, but I’ll just add a thanks to the many folks here who helped me by sharing their thoughts and personal experiences. Even those with whom I would still strongly disagree have often provided food for thought that helped me better understand my own situation. For that, I am very grateful.

But if she is motionless or unresponsive to kisses, touches, don’t stop. And don’t stop if she says “yamete” either. And even if after the end it wasn’t great sex, well, some kind of sex is better than no sex for most people. And it will better than thinking, “hey it’s been 3 days, or 6 days..or longer…and I even did this or that or let her do that etc and she still hasn’t come to me”.

Also, remember that if a woman is wanting divorce she may not want to initiate herself. But if through manipulation, she can drive to an affair and have proof, or get you so made that you touch her in anger, than she can tell everyone that you cheated on her, or did domestic violence, and then she will have all the sympathy and you will be the bad guy. And then telling people that you were unhappy with your sex life won’t work.

It really is true that the majority of Japanese married couples don’t have sex that often. The problem is that gaijin come here, have wild sex with their girlfriends and think that they have struck gold. They wrongly assume that it will continue like that. I have lost count of the number of really nice gaijin men who thought they would keep romance and sex alive only to find that their Japanese wife sleeps with the kids, calls him papa or otousan, and has no concept that the man still needs sex.
You see, most Japanese women still want to get married. And a lot of them want to get married to a man who will provide for them and let them get on with enjoying their lives. So they want children, and want to spend their time their way, and have a husband who provides the money. Many Japanese still see marriage as the social thing to do, and a contract. The woman cooks and has the children. The man works. Even if the woman also works, she won’t see her husband as the romantic guy that she can’t wait to have passionate sex with. I even know young Japanese couples with no kids who don’t have that much sex.
One of the problems and reasons is that many Japanese don’t talk about sex directly. They will do it, and watch it, and talk about it when they are drunk, but if a couples don’t enjoy it, or one side wants to fix it up, they aren’t used to the Western idea of “honey, let’s sit down and talk directly and honestly”. And is basically hard to fix things if you don’t do that. Now if as a gaijin you think that must make life difficult, well you are right. And Japanese couples have the same problem. So they just drift apart and get used to it. Like so many other things i japan they just resign themselves to it (shou ga nai).

So many men don’t have sex with their wives, but have it with a girlfriend, pay for it, do it themselves etc, and yes, some are that tired and drunk that they don’t need it as much as the average American.

And women being what they are on AVERAGE don’t need sex as much. But the ones who do might also have affairs. But most of them carry on the affairs without their husbands knowing about it.

The crazy thing is that many, and I repeat many of the same women who don’t have sex with their husbands, had wild sex with them before marriage – often to show him they were the best, etc and as part of the way of getting married. And these same women often had affairs with married men.

But its easier to get excited about sex with a married man who you see once a week or month or whatever in a love hotel. When a woman is in love with a man, and especially if she hopes that one day he will marry, the sex is usually not a problem. But when she’s married? Then there is no need for her to pretend. ANd yes, when you are tired and stressed and have babies everywhere, many women simply don’t have the same desire.

So the answer? For a gajin man, the worse thing you can do is get mad. Even worse is to beg or cry. But doing housework probably won’t work either. You will just do more housework, and then get either depressed or mad as hell that even after doing that nothing changes.

You see, many Japanese women boast that they haven’t had sex for years, or that they wouldn’t want it with their husbands. And they will joke about it together.

Incidentally I know a Japanese woman whose friends are all married to gaijin, and they all complain about how much gaijin men want sex.
If you are a gaijin woman married to a japanese man you
have it worse. At least if you are a gaijin man, you can just demand sex. Yeah, you will feel terrible, and it isn’t what you want, and in our culture you will feel like a rapist, etc etc, but the same Japanese woman who doesn’t have sex freely, and justifies it on the basis of “that’s how it is with married couples”, knows that she is a “bad wife” if she actually refuses.
So you can divorce if you want, and then yes, you will have lots of wild sex with the thousands of willing Japanese women who will gladly act like a porn star with you on the first or at least third date. Or you could stay married and there will still be thousands of Japanese single women who will have no moral problems with meeting you. But will you be happy with that?

Back to the gaijin women, it will be even harder for you to be straight with your Japanese husband and ask for sex. Esp if you are pregnant or looking after a baby.
In short, Japanese need to learn about marriage. Go to a western bookstore and there are zillions of books about how to keep romance and sex alive in marriage even into old age. In Japan, most women would not feel up to hiring a babysitter so they can have a passionate date with their husbands.

But, get with a group of drunk Japanese – men and women, and everyone will be laughing about sex and affairs and sexless etc. It’s a sad society.

P.S Japanese women will often fake pleasure and orgasm after orgasm. Then when they are married you will wonder what happened. What happened is that they don’t have to act anymore.

Okay, the guys hanging out with single chicks and some liberated Japanese, or westernized will say I don’t know what I am talking about. But I speak from decades of experience with the inside of Japan and hearing Japanese talk in japanese about japanese. this may not help many of you, but at least I hope that for some of you, you will realize that the problem is not necessarily that you are not loving or desirable, or romantic enough. But whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up over it. Find a solution, but don’t get depressed, and don’t do anything rash.