I think many of them understand the idea of friendship in Japan very well. The point was though, that friendship here is different from overseas. That the idea of “friends” is different in different cultures.

Reminds me of that weird thing Bulgarians do- the only country in the world that shakes its head for a yes, and nods it for a no. Perhaps nothing is completely the same everywhere.

Anyway, I don’t think “mate” has anything to do with the article above. I think you just don’t know how friendship in Japan works!

However, I was following a discussion the other day however, about “mates”. And what being mates is, and whether in fact Japanese can be “mates”.

As far as I see, the basic key to being a good mate, is to have honour with respect to our mates, and always look after your mates wherever possible. But looking at the replies, it seems that the honour of mates from a western perspective doesnt translate into this Japanese type of honour.

The short script was:

K: Do Japanese guys have REAL mates? I don’t know how the rest of you feel but the type of mates Japanese guys have is nothing like back home. Mates are heaps important and you would do almost anything for them whereas in Japan the guys here seem to see friendship as something that lasts only as long as it suits them. I think it has something to do with them being spoilt by their mothers’ the whole time.

P: I’d have to agree. Back in Australia you’d expect to make a lot of good long lasting friendships. 5 years study in Japan has left me with a lot of good long lasting mates but not one of them is Japanese… a reflection on me perhaps.

R: I have a few mates who are Japanese, but I guess what you are saying holds true for me too.

Y: I wonder if it is our (=gaijin) fault? Maybe we just don’t know how to go about it the right way? There is definitely something very interesting about the method that mates would chose to hang out in Japan vs. other countries too. It’s more than just a sitting on the floor thing vs. standing up thing, it is an eating vs. a drinking thing too. And that isn’t even mentioning the topics of conversation. Maybe it’s our fault for bringing up topics like politics?

So I can’t quite work it out. Why doesn’t this particular honour that Japanese value so highly hold true for friendships also?

I never had the “shukudai” one Gold, for which the smart answer would have obviously been「じゃ、一緒に宿題しようっか？」 , but how cool are some of the other little gems out there when you just need to palm someone off, and make sure you don’t have to spend another precious second of your time with them (especially useful with ugly Japanese girls, and most Japanese men).
1. ごめん、ちょっと用事があるので。。
This basically conveys no information at all, and yet it says so much. (「用事」 can be replaced with 「所用」 to be a little more formal). The English translation being, “Sorry, I have something on..” (This would be a major blow if told to you in English wouldn’t it!? Almost like a, “Sorry, I have to wash my hair now…”)

2. 都合（つごう）
“Tsugo” is a word that has so many usages in all sorts of situations, where you just don’t want to (or don’t feel like) saying any reason why you are refusing the other person’s invitation to do whatever it is that they invited you to do.. 「都合がつかない」「都合が悪い」”It is not suitable for me” are the most used. In English however, if someone said “It is not suitable for me”, the obvious response would be, “Why not?”. But in Japan, you can throw a “tsugo” at someone, and they will NEVER question why it is not suitable for you, and furthermore, just accept the fact that you can’t do whatever it is that they are asking you.. How cool is that! In another use, shops often write on their door, 「都合により、閉店致しました」, that means, “we have shut up shop, because of circumstances“.. Wtf!? In English, this would draw suspicious rumours of the store being busted as a back stage for a drug running operation or something, but in Japan, after reading this on a shopfront, most people will just give a non-questioning sigh, with a 「あ〜ぁ、閉店したんだー。。」

The thing that really made me realise I had been in Japan too long though, was when I first went back home, and tried to use some of these now ingrained thought patterns in an English environment.. In English, the words just seem to come out sideways, with a certain grating bite about them and while usually having the desired effect (of refusal) they tend to offend the other party. Whereas they are so smooth and completely acceptable when said in Japanese. Amazing.

When I had just arrived in Japan, and was living in Kyoto with a host family, I had met a nice young girl at school, who I wanted to take out. As this was in the days before cell-phones, I had to use the family phone (after this particular incident I took to biking to the local payphone, but anyway), so I rang and said lets go for “遊び” (hang out) the next day.

She responded with complete conviction that she had “shukudai” to do. I knew this word- homework. Oh, I said, of course, school is tough and she has exams soon, shukudai, no problem.

I hung up the phone looked around at my host Mum who had been listening from the kitchen, who flashed me an unmistakable look of sympathy. I had been flamed, big time. Shukudai is apparently, for high school students, the standard “lie” for I dont really want to hang out with you, but dont take it personally as we still need to maintain out friendly relationship at school.

Not that I’m still upset about this, but it highlights another point that Japanese often have set phrases (決まり文句）for dealing with uncomfortable situations. Shukudai （宿題）was the appropriate one for her in that situation, and my “don’t know anything about it”（知らん顔）, was the correct one with my landlady.

Has anyone else had the “shukudai” line before??