Up until now we have never introduced any angles on picking up in Japan, or for that matter anything to do with romance in Japan in general (except that is, for our unfinished series on Japanese Love Hotels). This is for several reasons, the first being that most of us have been here for more than ten years, and picking up ladies in Japan seems to have become “second nature” – so much so that most of us ended up marrying one (or two!) of them. By no means does this mean that we claim to be pick-up machines, but it just didn’t seem to be a topic that needed airing amongst our mostly long term Japan resident readership. Despite running Stippy Friends (the best online deai spot to meet real Japanese girls), we thought that writing about the same would be slightly crass, and would turn people away from discovering our other more serious, and sometimes humorous perspectives on Japan. It seems we were wrong.
In fact, we have had multiple requests from guys and girls to share secrets of landing a date (or more..!) in Japan. People have asked us through the contact form all sorts of questions, and despite some of them being junk, many were imploring help to decode the mystery of romance the Japanese way, perhaps to heat up their lonely summer nights!
Lets face it, picking up girls (if you are a guy) or being picked up by a handsome guy (if you are a gal) is a real rush even in your own country. Add to this the added tokimeki (the racing heart throb of potential love) in cross-cultural situations, you are in for a novelty that just may be addictive. Cross cultural “deai junkies”, find that apart from the normal cauldron of emotion, misunderstanding, love making, and fighting that prevail in any mono-cultural situation, they crave for the multi-racial differences in every aspect of physical and emotional human culture that international couples enjoy – differences in basic values, food, language, skin colour, body shape/smell, and even different ways of going about the ultimate goal of filling your nights with steamy love!
With that said, many writers here are married, or have long time j-girlfriends. While we still do academic research into the field of lovin’ in Japan, our applied “nanpa” technique seems to be eroding away under the tyranny of our better halves. We needed to call in the cavalry to help us fill in our new category called “Japan: Girls”. The nice guys over at The Osaka Crew (TOC) offered to take stippy over to “their side”, and write some pieces for us that will hopefully fill (or re-kindle) your desire to go out and get ‘em in your next night out at the heartland, or maybe Shinsaibashi in Osaka. (For our female readers, please read and let us know what you think too. Are we getting it wrong?)
What these articles may show you though, is that despite some cultural quirks, girls are girls in any culture. Sure, it helps to know these subtle differences, they help refine your game – but it is the commonalities that are important too. Japanese girls are a different animal when it comes to going out with them, but baiting the hook so that you are in their field of vision does not require you to change your basic instincts. Enough of the disclaimers (honey, this was not written by me!), and enough of a lead in – here is the first essay by the pros at TOC – enjoy “Leading”.
by RedpoleQ (The Osaka Crew)
Women want to be lead through an experience. They don’t want to decide the experience, they just want to have it safely.
They have to trust your strength that they will be safe with you on that journey.
It’s Sunday morning and I just jumped out of bed at the crack of 2:28pm to write the above words down. I’m with a woman I met the night before at a club here in Osaka and we’re lying around talking.
“So, when did you decide to sleep with me?” I ask her. She doesn’t want to tell me but finally she admits that it was after I tossed her on my bed and climbed in after her, which is interesting because it wasn’t all smooth sailing from there.
Then I ask her about the other guys in her life. You see, every attractive woman has one, two, three or more guys out there who are e-mailing and calling, and asking her out on dates. And every time I start a relationship with a new woman, I always want to know, why me? Why didn’t she end up with those other guys who have been trying so hard to win her over. Why could I just come in and sweep her off her feet?
One guy she met through friends at the beach—she calls him “Sportsman” because he’s muscular. This guy is a good looking guy, but she won’t go out with him. He tells her he’s good with women, motte motte, and she believes it’s true. He displays his muscles for her.
The other guy does delivery at her store. She likes him. She wants to be with him. She tells me he’s got a great personality. I ask her what the problem is, how come she’s not with him right now instead of me. She told me that me that he’s a “bit weak”. He asks her out, but buckles at the least bit of resistance. He doesn’t push it. She thinks he’s afraid of rejection so he just let’s it go, playing aloof to hide his weakness. Interesting…
She says she likes a guy to lead and as I’m hearing her, in my mind I’m reviewing the evening’s chain of events that led me to where I am now. I’m reviewing my life experience with women and I’m feeling back to the time when I was that delivery guy. It’s not hard for me to recall that time because it was just a few years ago, and only recently that I stamped that guy out completely. Even now, I can still hear him vaguely in the background, more like a mother really, “Don’t go that way, it’s dangerous and I worry. Don’t make mother worry.”
It’s hard to remember all the times I was that delivery guy because there are too many bad memories to keep them all straight. I can remember the feeling though. The powerlessness, the feeling of uselessness, and confusion as I watched my life unfold and the slow motion crashes. Dating to me used to be like some kind of natural disaster. Inevitable, overwhelming, uncaring, and very, very destructive. I remember a girl I dated over 10 years ago on seeing a fellow classmate, tell me, “You don’t have IT. He does.”
But that didn’t discourage me. I always knew that if I could find out what it was that I could have it for myself. I watched the it guys, I studied them, and what they did and how. I copied them, their attitudes, they’re clothes, they’re body language and mannerism—trying them on, trying to figure out what constituted it.
I modeled a variety of guys with different styles, melding them together, taking what seemed to work best for me. And then in November 2004, I found out that there were guys out there, pros, who studied this stuff like scientists. Coming up with theories, hypothesizing, and testing them out like any professional researcher. My learning accelerated. I got some top notch coaching, and I continued to work at it. And then BOOM! Here I am, almost three years later.
Anyway, back to the story. I then suggest we leave the club to grab a bite to eat. She says she doesn’t want to go and then, less than 5 minutes later, I take her hand and lead her right out of the club to grab some food around the corner which was just the first step in the journey that finished with more than just a filling meal.
These memories, the good ones, are still easy to remember, they are a regular part of my life now, but not so much that they are completely normal to every part of my self. Even while doing what I’ve been learning to do all these years in my journey towards manhood, towards sovereignty, it’s strange to be so comfortable when I enter that mystical zone like feeling that comes from innate understanding.
Sometimes I step outside my self and I can see that, now, I’ve got IT. Now, I’m the model. Lead, lead, lead. This is what separates the men from the men.
So while I lead, I feel for those who can’t and I want to help them get to where I am in a way that I didn’t get help. I want to help all those delivery guys develop IT.
And here’s a simple thing you can start doing right NOW to help you lead next time you interact with a Japanese woman (or, likely any woman!). From now on, you’re going to stop being like most guys, following the woman’s lead. In dating, as in dancing, you as the man lead so she as a woman can just enjoy the ride.
Find out what she LIKES, not what she wants. Don’t ask her what she wants to do, or where she wants to go, or what she wants to eat. No, no, no. Rather, ask her questions that reveal who she is and what she enjoys and save that information to use it on her later.
Find out what foods she doesn’t like, and what kinds of things she does with her friends. Does she like eating ice cream on a hot day or maybe she doesn’t like sweet things at all. Learn about her and plan the experience you’re going to lead her through around that. Test and challenge her by taking her just a bit outside of her comfort zone.
Anyone can do what I do, anyone of you can go into a club and have a sexy Japanese girl, or a hot Ukrainian model give you their number right there while their boyfriends are watching, but you have to get IT first.
When I first came to Japan, I remember seeing people drinking their drinks right next to the vending machines and I used to wonder why they didn’t just take it and keep walking like we do back home. But I wondered, if maybe I was missing something, so the next time I was thirsty I decided to go through the looking glass and see it from the other side
I bought my drink and I stood there, trying to feel what that salaryman that I saw the day before was feeling. As I stood there, watching everyone hustle by on their way to their busyness, time slowed down for me and I looked around and saw, that I was taking a break. It wasn’t about the drink, it was about taking some time off from the hustle. Come and see things from my side.
Look forward to more by the Osaka Crew on Stippy. Leave your impressions on this new type of stippy article below. We are keen to know if it works, or if we should forget about it…