I got a look at a very different way of thinking about these things from my husband’s two sisters, who were, by coincidence, pregnant at the same time as me. (This was my first pregnancy.) Both sisters lived far away from here with their husbands, but both came back here, where their parents live, to have their babies, one of them when she was just about 4 or 5 months along. Both their husbands stayed behind because they had jobs, of course. All 3 babies were born within 2 months of each other. One of the sister’s husbands didn’t see his new son until about a month after he was born, when he came to pick them up and take them home. I remember he came to the genkan, and was ushered into the fancy o-kyakusan room, not the kitchen/living area where we all always hung out. His son was carried into him by my mother-in-law and he was “allowed” to hold his son. It was beyond sad to me. I couldn’t understand it.

The other sister’s husband didn’t see his daughter until she was already 5 months old, when he came to pick them up and take them home! (By this time, he hadn’t seen his wife for 9 or 10 months.) I was just beside myself with frustration and sadness at this way of doing things.

http://www.amazon.co.jp/Baby-Book-Everything-About-Birth/dp/0316779059/ref=sr_11_1/250-0293120-3441820?ie=UTF8&qid=1186979950&sr=11-1
http://www.amazon.co.jp/%E3%82%B7%E3%82%A2%E3%83%BC%E3%82%BA%E5%8D%9A%E5%A3%AB%E5%A4%AB%E5%A6%BB%E3%81%AE%E3%83%99%E3%83%93%E3%83%BC%E3%83%96%E3%83%83%E3%82%AF-%E3%82%A6%E3%82%A4%E3%83%AA%E3%82%A2%E3%83%A0-%E3%82%B7%E3%82%A2%E3%83%BC%E3%82%BA/dp/4072258458/ref=sr_1_2/250-0293120-3441820?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1186979890&sr=8-2

We had our first child at a nearby midwife’s place. It was a normal birth so apart from a few regular doctor checkups it was all done (even ultrasound) at the midwife’s house/clinic. The birth was great, and I literally supported my wife (like a chair backrest). They even offered to let me cut the cord, but that was a little beyond what I was prepared for. Afterwards all three recovered in a private room like a tatami bedroom next to the birthing room. This lasted for about 3 days (and I stayed there as well) where my wife’s needs were taken care of , and we were taught all about the care, feeding, bathing, dressing etc of the little creature in a completely stress-free environment. This was important to my wife as she had lots of doubts about being able to breastfeed (which worked out in the end) and taking care of a newborn in general.

We had our second child at a local sanfujin clinic because the midwife developed severe arthritis and could not longer practice (she was 40ish). The clinic was very new and “at home”. I was also able to participate in the birth (just as a holding hands thing) and stay overnight during recovery in a cot. It was very clean, personal, and professional buy not as “warm” or relaxing as at the midwifes.

Having tried both, I’d reccommend the midwife again, but for either midwife, clinic, or hospital do your research beforehand and trust your instincts. When we searched for a good clinic for the second child we tried a number of clinics. Some were just OK, and others made my wife downright nervous, scared, and generally uncomfortable.

“Men: To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.”

I found that not only was I alienated by the doctors and nurses at the sanfujinka, but by my own wife and her family. I was shocked when she told me that she agreed with the Doctor, and thought it was a good idea that I wasn’t there for the birth, and didn’t really expect me to take part at all. It wasn’t until later on, that I found out that it is kind of normal for Japanese ladies to think like this. After all those years of being together, I thought some of my gaijin-ness would have rubbed off on her, and that she would eventually agree to a gaijin style of pregnancy – meaning where the husband at least gets to sit in the passenger seat, rather than in the back (or worse still being dragged behind the vehicle all together!).

So, the doctor trips continued on, and I continued to be left out of the equation. After a while, I actually became used to this, and at around 6 months, I resented the fact that she was pregnant at all. I even went through a stage where I wished I had married a non-Japanese, someone with the same cultural understanding of pregnancy as me. Then at least I may have a chance to take part.

This type of pregnancy is not good for the father. The shock of having a baby after my child came into the world was immense. Because I was left out of the whole deal, I felt like I was dropped into another world. My “kokoro no jyunbi” just wasn’t done, and when I spent the first night in the hospital with baby and mum, I actually cried – but not with tears of joy. I was thinking, “this was all meant to be so different”, it was supposed to be happy, I was supposed to feel like my family was just created. I was not happy at all. I had a little baby in my arms that I felt detached from, and certainly did not feel love for that baby.

Well, it isn’t all gloom and doom. I am pleased to say that after a few months I did get used to it all (reality pushes its nose into our lives, whether we want it to or not!), and I now feel a deep love for my kid. It is deeper than the love I have felt for my own parents I am sad to say, and probably deeper than that for my wife, although that is hard to say, because it is a totally different type of love. Much more binding and lifelong than any marriage bound relationship could ever pose to be.

What books did I read? Not many. I had almost no interest in the pregnancy. At the start, I was very keen, and sat on the Internet for hours researching the same sort of stuff that you are researching now Red. But after a few months of not being able to see the ultrasounds, and not “feeling” what I was reading in real life, I stopped the reading, and stopped caring about the first months of my kids life inside my wife.

I deeply regret that situation now that I have the relationship with my child like I do, but at the time, I felt there was not much I could do…. Id be pleased to hear others thoughts about your emotional state in the second half of pregnancy, through to the 6th month of your kid’s life. Did anyone else feel like I did?? Am I normal?