Picking Up in Japan - Part One: Leading
Blue on Sep 24 2007 at 1:50 am | Filed under: Japan: Girls
Up until now we have never introduced any angles on picking up in Japan, or for that matter anything to do with romance in Japan in general (except that is, for our unfinished series on Japanese Love Hotels). This is for several reasons, the first being that most of us have been here for more than ten years, and picking up ladies in Japan seems to have become “second nature” - so much so that most of us ended up marrying one (or two!) of them. By no means does this mean that we claim to be pick-up machines, but it just didn’t seem to be a topic that needed airing amongst our mostly long term Japan resident readership. Despite running Stippy Friends (the best online deai spot to meet real Japanese girls), we thought that writing about the same would be slightly crass, and would turn people away from discovering our other more serious, and sometimes humorous perspectives on Japan. It seems we were wrong.
In fact, we have had multiple requests from guys and girls to share secrets of landing a date (or more..!) in Japan. People have asked us through the contact form all sorts of questions, and despite some of them being junk, many were imploring help to decode the mystery of romance the Japanese way, perhaps to heat up their lonely summer nights!
Lets face it, picking up girls (if you are a guy) or being picked up by a handsome guy (if you are a gal) is a real rush even in your own country. Add to this the added tokimeki (the racing heart throb of potential love) in cross-cultural situations, you are in for a novelty that just may be addictive. Cross cultural “deai junkies”, find that apart from the normal cauldron of emotion, misunderstanding, love making, and fighting that prevail in any mono-cultural situation, they crave for the multi-racial differences in every aspect of physical and emotional human culture that international couples enjoy - differences in basic values, food, language, skin colour, body shape/smell, and even different ways of going about the ultimate goal of filling your nights with steamy love!
With that said, many writers here are married, or have long time j-girlfriends. While we still do academic research into the field of lovin’ in Japan, our applied “nanpa” technique seems to be eroding away under the tyranny of our better halves. We needed to call in the cavalry to help us fill in our new category called “Japan: Girls”. The nice guys over at The Osaka Crew (TOC) offered to take stippy over to “their side”, and write some pieces for us that will hopefully fill (or re-kindle) your desire to go out and get ‘em in your next night out at the heartland, or maybe Shinsaibashi in Osaka. (For our female readers, please read and let us know what you think too. Are we getting it wrong?)
What these articles may show you though, is that despite some cultural quirks, girls are girls in any culture. Sure, it helps to know these subtle differences, they help refine your game - but it is the commonalities that are important too. Japanese girls are a different animal when it comes to going out with them, but baiting the hook so that you are in their field of vision does not require you to change your basic instincts. Enough of the disclaimers (honey, this was not written by me!), and enough of a lead in - here is the first essay by the pros at TOC - enjoy “Leading”.
“Leading”
by RedpoleQ (The Osaka Crew)
Women want to be lead through an experience. They don’t want to decide the experience, they just want to have it safely.
They have to trust your strength that they will be safe with you on that journey.
It’s Sunday morning and I just jumped out of bed at the crack of 2:28pm to write the above words down. I’m with a woman I met the night before at a club here in Osaka and we’re lying around talking.
“So, when did you decide to sleep with me?” I ask her. She doesn’t want to tell me but finally she admits that it was after I tossed her on my bed and climbed in after her, which is interesting because it wasn’t all smooth sailing from there.
Then I ask her about the other guys in her life. You see, every attractive woman has one, two, three or more guys out there who are e-mailing and calling, and asking her out on dates. And every time I start a relationship with a new woman, I always want to know, why me? Why didn’t she end up with those other guys who have been trying so hard to win her over. Why could I just come in and sweep her off her feet?
One guy she met through friends at the beach—she calls him “Sportsman” because he’s muscular. This guy is a good looking guy, but she won’t go out with him. He tells her he’s good with women, motte motte, and she believes it’s true. He displays his muscles for her.
The other guy does delivery at her store. She likes him. She wants to be with him. She tells me he’s got a great personality. I ask her what the problem is, how come she’s not with him right now instead of me. She told me that me that he’s a “bit weak”. He asks her out, but buckles at the least bit of resistance. He doesn’t push it. She thinks he’s afraid of rejection so he just let’s it go, playing aloof to hide his weakness. Interesting…
She says she likes a guy to lead and as I’m hearing her, in my mind I’m reviewing the evening’s chain of events that led me to where I am now. I’m reviewing my life experience with women and I’m feeling back to the time when I was that delivery guy. It’s not hard for me to recall that time because it was just a few years ago, and only recently that I stamped that guy out completely. Even now, I can still hear him vaguely in the background, more like a mother really, “Don’t go that way, it’s dangerous and I worry. Don’t make mother worry.”
It’s hard to remember all the times I was that delivery guy because there are too many bad memories to keep them all straight. I can remember the feeling though. The powerlessness, the feeling of uselessness, and confusion as I watched my life unfold and the slow motion crashes. Dating to me used to be like some kind of natural disaster. Inevitable, overwhelming, uncaring, and very, very destructive. I remember a girl I dated over 10 years ago on seeing a fellow classmate, tell me, “You don’t have IT. He does.”
But that didn’t discourage me. I always knew that if I could find out what it was that I could have it for myself. I watched the it guys, I studied them, and what they did and how. I copied them, their attitudes, they’re clothes, they’re body language and mannerism—trying them on, trying to figure out what constituted it.
I modeled a variety of guys with different styles, melding them together, taking what seemed to work best for me. And then in November 2004, I found out that there were guys out there, pros, who studied this stuff like scientists. Coming up with theories, hypothesizing, and testing them out like any professional researcher. My learning accelerated. I got some top notch coaching, and I continued to work at it. And then BOOM! Here I am, almost three years later.
Anyway, back to the story. I then suggest we leave the club to grab a bite to eat. She says she doesn’t want to go and then, less than 5 minutes later, I take her hand and lead her right out of the club to grab some food around the corner which was just the first step in the journey that finished with more than just a filling meal.
These memories, the good ones, are still easy to remember, they are a regular part of my life now, but not so much that they are completely normal to every part of my self. Even while doing what I’ve been learning to do all these years in my journey towards manhood, towards sovereignty, it’s strange to be so comfortable when I enter that mystical zone like feeling that comes from innate understanding.
Sometimes I step outside my self and I can see that, now, I’ve got IT. Now, I’m the model. Lead, lead, lead. This is what separates the men from the men.
So while I lead, I feel for those who can’t and I want to help them get to where I am in a way that I didn’t get help. I want to help all those delivery guys develop IT.
And here’s a simple thing you can start doing right NOW to help you lead next time you interact with a Japanese woman (or, likely any woman!). From now on, you’re going to stop being like most guys, following the woman’s lead. In dating, as in dancing, you as the man lead so she as a woman can just enjoy the ride.
Find out what she LIKES, not what she wants. Don’t ask her what she wants to do, or where she wants to go, or what she wants to eat. No, no, no. Rather, ask her questions that reveal who she is and what she enjoys and save that information to use it on her later.
Find out what foods she doesn’t like, and what kinds of things she does with her friends. Does she like eating ice cream on a hot day or maybe she doesn’t like sweet things at all. Learn about her and plan the experience you’re going to lead her through around that. Test and challenge her by taking her just a bit outside of her comfort zone.
Anyone can do what I do, anyone of you can go into a club and have a sexy Japanese girl, or a hot Ukrainian model give you their number right there while their boyfriends are watching, but you have to get IT first.
When I first came to Japan, I remember seeing people drinking their drinks right next to the vending machines and I used to wonder why they didn’t just take it and keep walking like we do back home. But I wondered, if maybe I was missing something, so the next time I was thirsty I decided to go through the looking glass and see it from the other side
I bought my drink and I stood there, trying to feel what that salaryman that I saw the day before was feeling. As I stood there, watching everyone hustle by on their way to their busyness, time slowed down for me and I looked around and saw, that I was taking a break. It wasn’t about the drink, it was about taking some time off from the hustle. Come and see things from my side.
Look forward to more by the Osaka Crew on Stippy. Leave your impressions on this new type of stippy article below. We are keen to know if it works, or if we should forget about it…
Other stippy.com articles possibly of interest:
28 Responses to “Picking Up in Japan - Part One: Leading”
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I agree that a certain amount of assertiveness is needed in order to get the girl. But there’s a fine line between leading and being too pushy, don’t you think ? I guess you can understand that difference with experience and you outlined.
Overall - good article. Looking forward to read others like it.
One big ad…. they just want your money! go read free stuff on the internet .. free forums and articles on that matter, don’t waste your bucks
Hey Delivery boy, or is it water boy??, lucky all your targets are empty headed chicks that think little of jumping in the sack with a new guy each week…if you tried it on real women with sophistication and experience youd get cut back in 3 mins.
Good article, no need to hate on it. To say seduction tips don’t work on the more intelligent girls is really a misunderstanding. This particular technique, leading, may backfire with certain girls, but it’s still a good one to have in your arsenal. Note that you need to make the girl like you before you can grab her hand and lead her out of the club. I once read a book called “How to Seduce Women” and it had similar advice. I recommend the book to anyone who wants serious help in pick-up techniques. It’s kind of an embarrassing title though, and you don’t want to leave it lying around on the table.
I didn’t see anything specific to Japanese girls in this article, though. Maybe in the next few.
It’s not enough to make me angry, but not good at all. I expect more from Stippy, as this falls on the same level of Gaijinpot.
You know, I’ve used Stippy Friends and met some nice people out of it (and some girls in the market for gaijin guys), but I know any girl with an ad on there, should remove it after reading this topic.
Matt, thanks for the comment - that’s the sort of feedback I was after. As you say, this may seem to be an ad, but of course stippy not getting anything out of this (other than a fun read..). The guys at TOC offered filling in a void where information was requested by some readers, one that we couldn’t (or more accurately, wouldn’t) fill ourselves. For that, the least they deserve is a link or two, as there seems to be people out there interested in their services!
Syd, ouch - gaijinpot? really?
We will try to give views through the guys at TOC in a manner that is entertaining and may be useful. To broaden our spectrum a little into the love/dating side can not be seen as a bad thing, although it may be stereotypical of other sites if we don’t take care. I guess we can’t please all readers, but we appreciate you letting us know. (By the way, the Japanese girls on Stippy Friends mainly sign up on our partner Japanese sites. We share the database of profiles with hundreds of partner sites, so likely they wont ever read this article. Don’t worry, we already thought about that one - you are safe).
We will try this idea it out for a bit, and if it continues to be an “ad” for most, or just too similar to other sites, we will certainly pull the plug.
What I found most shocking about this article is that there are gaijin men in Japan who will pay someone to teach them how to pick up girls. Either Japanese women have become immune to the gaijin “mystique” or the guys heading to Japan now are of a different ilk than my generation.
When I moved to Japan in the late 1980s basically all my guy friends needed was to to be somewhere in Shinsaibashi and have a pulse. The girls seemed to do all the rest. (And I knew these guys back home and none of them were even close to being what you would call “players”.)
Race war!! Maybe in Roppongi!!! One of The Osaka Crew instructors is black and I have seen him attract many stunning women. I am a good looking, WHITE, gaijin, banker but I took the course, and found it very beneficial. It is true that it is not all that difficult to get women in any country and it is even easier here in Japan, however it is much easier if you know what you are doing… and that’s what TOC teach. I know about 5 of their x students and each of them are extremely happy with the results…… i.e. they can now attract the women they choose in their life rather than just gaijin lovers…
Whatever pal, your site has pics with you and heaps of hot girls…
Can we raise the bar a little please?
I think the quality of comments is about on level with content of this article. Or is that what you’re talking about: Can we raise the bar a little on this article? Come on, guys! Where’s your decency? I was younger once, so I know the temptation, but what about diseases you might be catching/giving/spreading? What about babies you might be making? Does that not bother you?
Shell: What are you, the morality police? Why are these sorts of comments always aimed at the guy. Takes two to mess the sheets. The girl is just as much a part of any of this by letting herself be picked up by the guy, and taken home. They are the ones spreading any disease and making babies just as much as the fellow. I got a VD from one of the first Japanese chicks I did - it served me right, but she was the one that picked me up.
By the way, I think “raising the bar”, refers to Secret Lurker’s girlfriend - see picture in comment 13.
But the article in question is this one, and this one’s aimed at men. If it had been aimed at women, I would’ve made the very same comment, changing only one sentence to “Come on, gals!”
I would think that raising the bar would mean people contributing their own experiences of leading a woman in an interaction and it turning out well for both of them.
This isn’t only about picking up either. This is about interacting with women in general. Women as a whole like to be lead if they’re happy where they’re being taken.
That’s the point of the article. Men give away they power to lead to women and then wonder why women get bored and go elsewhere.
This applies even more so for j-girls.
My comment to raise the bar was to RacialTruth who commented above me. Not sure why he bothers.
This isn’t usual Stippy type content, but I agree with Ao, no need to hate it.
I tried your Stippy Friends and its pretty good. I’m not good at talking in person so being able to look at all the J-gals photos and reading their profile helps alot before I start emailing them.
Red,
You can become good at talking to people in person. It’s like any other skill that takes practice and experience.
Many of the best guys started out terribly, and that’s why they wanted to study social dynamics and learn how to handle them.
It’s really a lot of fun knowing you can have an enjoyable interaction with complete strangers.
I think some excellent points are made here. Though, I take exception to comments like “oh that will never work on an intelligent, sophisticated woman”. Thanks bud! I think guys who think like that are what we call in the US, “Cock-blockers”. Guys who go to the club and become the simpathy, “gal pal” guy to all the girls at the bar. While most guys are getting their courage up to make an attempt to speak to a pretty lady, guys like you are whispering her ear. “Don’t dance with him, he looks like a player….trust me I am a guy I know these things….” he says. Fact is intelligent or not, women are subject to the whimsy of their hearts. So if your charming words make her “FEEL” good, then you are in. My gift has always been humor. And Japanese women are much easier to make laugh, I think because the tactic is not as commonly used on them. But all in all, making a woman laugh lowers her defenses against you and makes her feel good about the experience of being with you. They yearn to be a man that can make them happy. She will make a bond with you (mentally) each time she sees you, because she remembers how much FUN it is to be WITH you. She will say to her girlfriends, he is so funny. I always have a blast around him. Then of course you have to deal with the new found interest her girlfriends have in you. Thats a different story. Women are not team players like men are…
So after dating Japanese women exclusively for a while (and then eventually marrying one) I think it would be important to include a little note in this article that Japanese girls are nuts.
It would help, you know, people.
I’m not sure why I’m bothering to read this. But looking at this just reminds of me why foreigners here have the stereotype applied to them that they do. Every site relating to Japan done in English I come across has something like “Making Out In Japanese.” I’m not commenting on anyone’s behaviour. But the community on the net that surrounds these habits is the disturbing part.
What a load of arrogant bullshit this article is…too bad the writer doesnt believe in serendipity….he must have a sad past to have to make such a Herculian effort to be cool and get laid….no wonder so many japanese woman call gaijin men ‘back home losers`…..
Bentoman & Kelev - couldn’t agree more!
This article is not too bad, but some of the other “pick-up technique” sites I have seen are disturbing at best; scary at worst.
I have a suggestion…when picking up, how about just being yourself?
The existence of “pick-up technique” sites makes me think that there must be a lot of people out there who aren’t confident enough to do that.
A lot of guys don’t have the confidence to be themselves. In this case, we have to teach them that there’s nothing wrong with being themselves and that they are very cool people that women would be lucky to be with.
A lot of other guys see themselves as being guys who can’t have women–guys who women are not attracted to. In this case, teaching them to be more themselves is not the answer, because if being themselves attracted women, they’d already have them.
Just like acheivement in any part of life there are no simple remedies. If there were, they wouldn’t be looking for help.
If these guys can’t get a woman by being themselves, they need to change something more fundamental than their bar game. Japan attracts some of the biggest lowlifes the West has to offer it seems.
Seems a little short sighted to me… ‘how to pick up a girl’, how about, ‘how to keep a girl’, how to be an interesting person? No?
your gaijin sister’s next after you took my japanese sister.
hi
The commenter who said it\’s arrogance has got it backwards. It takes humility to admit to yourself that you could benefit from advice on how to attract the opposite sex.
It also takes courage to put your ego on the line and try to meet women on the spot, without introduction and, especially, when you know other men are watching you.
I\’d wager that the snarky comments here are from men who are either too weak or to arrogant to admit that they can\’t attract the opposite sex as well as they\’d like to. As such, they deeply resent anyone who has the simple honesty to admit that they like to pick up girls and the gumption to try and get better at it.
It seems to me that what \”The Osaka Crew\’\’ — OK the names and lingo ARE a little ridiculous — teaches isn\’t at all about disrespecting women nor preying on them nor lying to them.
They seem to be taking a very common sense approach and just amplifying it and presenting it in a way the people feeling comfortable and motivated to learn.
I do agree, though, with the guy who said you needn\’t spend money to get this kind of advice. It\’s all over the Internet. Still, if the fees don\’t make too much dent in your budget, it\’s always more fun to learn from teachers than by yourself.