Sexless Japan – Really?

Modern Japanese Women - are they Sexless?With maid cafes where pretty young girls that ooze submissiveness to their “masters”, and “shuccho health” (出張ヘルス, basically, dial-a-prostitute) and soap-lands (sensual bathing houses with soapy special service) to vending machines for porn, and specialty shops with used high school girl underwear; Japan, at least on the surface appears one of the most sexually proactive nations in the world. Japanese men are as perverted (if not more perverted) than those in other countries, and as for the ladies, on top of being naturally feminine (with petite sexy bodies, skin that doesn’t seem to change complexion from childhood, pretty faces and silky black hair), the women of Japan have no misconceptions about what style – clothes, perfume and make up – makes a man stop in his tracks, and rouse that tingle in his loins.

When interacting with others, sex and everything surrounding it is fair game for a topic of conversation in Japan and, it is certainly not frowned upon by religious groups or society at large as it is in the USA and other countries. When it comes to secreting sexual hormones and sexuality in general, almost nothing is taboo in Japan – until that is, the day one gets married, or so it seems. Indeed in stark sexual contrast, Japan may be suffering from a sexual drought, where being totally open about sex and being sexy in general, doesn’t seem to be converted into the ins-and-outs of baby making when it comes to married couples.

The state of sexless marriage in JapanShown in these statistics, a recent survey by Japan’s health ministry found that as many as one-third of all marriages in Japan are sexless. The problem is now so widespread that the government fears it is a major contributor to the dramatic plunge in Japan’s birthrate (now only 1.28 births per woman). This sexless phenomenon is not only found in those relationships that are plunging down the drain toward divorce, but to the contrary, more and more couples that consider themselves healthily married (and have no intention of separating), have not had sex with each other in the last month or more (the common definition of “sexless” in Japan), with many saying that they have not had sex together in the last 6 months to one year.

According to the most recent survey of 41 nations last October, the average Japanese has intercourse 45 (and according to Bayer Pharmaceuticals as low as 17) times a year, compared with the global average of 103. Japan is repeatedly at the bottom of the list. Last year it trailed Singapore, which was 28 shags a year higher!

The term “sexless”, was first used in Japan in the early 1990s, but now is instantly recognizable to the Japanese as a universally understood concept, and widely discussed in the media. There are books on the subject and thousands websites and heartbreaking blogs discussing sexless Japan, while letters on the subject fill agony columns on “dear doctor”-type sites.

Sexless JapanOne in five sexless couples say they view sex simply as a nuisance. A small number cite the lack of a private space, because children or elderly parents often sleep just the other side of a paper-thin door, leading many married couples to even sleep in separate rooms. Mitsui Home announced recently in an Asahi Newspaper article, that in 30% of the new houses they build, the couples are asking for 2 “master” bedrooms. This is a shocking statistic, which shows that sexless couples want to continue living their lives together – separately! “We are sort of room-mates rather than a married couple”, one 31-year-old man, who had not had sex with his wife for two years, told the Asahi Shinbun.

There are many other theories about why the Japanese become less inclined to raunchy evenings in the sack together, but likely it is a mixture of some of these:

  • Stress of work/life in Japan (maybe the taihen cloud?)
  • Lack of understanding, and usage of contraception, especially “the pill” (who wants to use condoms with their wife!?), making sex with your wife viable only when you want to have a baby
  • Abundance of 不倫 (furin, or extra-marital) relationships
  • More and more Japanese women choosing career over family
  • A tendency among Japanese married couples to feel an aversion to sex with their spouse, not because they dislike one another, but rather because they feel that they have more of a sister-brother relationship; the sanctity of which would be destroyed with a repulsive incest-like feeling, by what westerners would consider normal conjugal relations

The last point is an interesting one, as in the past, it has been traditionally Japanese women who complained that they couldn’t see their hubby “as a member of the opposite sex.” But in the last few years, there’s been an exponential increase in men who can’t view their wives as sexual partners either. While it is true that many Japanese married couples seem to be sexless in nature, they key thing to remember is that this certainly does not mean that they lack the desire for sexual fulfillment. While marriage and children may bring on a sex drought in the home, Japanese people who want (and in the case of most men, need) sex do not simply abstain from sex because they cannot see the feminine qualities in their own wife, or the sexual attraction of their hard working husband.

Japanese housewife seeking sexJapanese men love their companies; they live for work, and many don’t even think it is a problem if they don’t have sex with their wives. They have pornography and the sex industry (soap lands, cabaret bars, and dial-a-girl services, and trips to Taiwan) to take care of their needs, but their wives have nowhere to go. They just suffer in silence.. or do they? The divorce rate in Japan has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, with more women blaming their sexually inactive, as opposed to sexually errant, husbands for break-ups. Though they may not be seeking sexual pleasure from their better halves, married Japanese women are seeking intimacy from other sources (many even claim to have a sex addiction), leading double lives – being the good mother, while at the same time seeking out “Leroy” the lover, who is always lurking, and ready to fulfill her every desire.

Sex Friend search sites are used by women in Japan widelyJapan is full of temptation, and it doesn’t matter whether you are a housewife or salary-man, there is plenty of raunchy action waiting out there – if that is what you desire. Furin sites to find a (extra marital) “sex friend” partner are just as rampant in Japan as in other countries, however they are much more widely used by women in Japan to solve their sexless quandaries. For the more conservative ladies, sites like mixi.jp – which are neutrally classed as “social networking” spaces – are abound with profiles (men and women) looking for partners to secretly spruce up their sexless, but otherwise happily married lives.

Many Japanese marriages may be sexless, but this is only a statistic about the state of sex within marriage itself. In fact, there may be a good reason for the sexless condition of marriages here – Are the Japanese getting enough of the good stuff outside their marriages to keep them happy? I certainly think so.

Japanese people will never be sexless as individuals; therefore Japan is not sexless, so don’t let mere statistics confuse the situation!

(If you are married in Japan, or married to a Japanese, let us know what you think of “Sexless Japan” by leaving a comment below!)

1,216 thoughts on “Sexless Japan – Really?”

  1. Fun article! Im curious as to how many times the word “sex” and its derivatives were used 🙂
    I especially liked the fact that the govt was able to correlate the reduced frequency of sex with the declining birth rate….amazing insight! 😉

    Also curious to see a pie chart on those that have sex but not with their spouse!…or one including “self amusement”

  2. I know plenty of foreign men who don’t have Japanese wives, but who have ‘had’ Japanese wives…. The real lonely housewives of Japan are throwing themselves at any willing piece of meat.

    Yet every foreign women I know in Japan has given up mostly or completely on cold fish unresponsive Japanese men.

    I think there are more and deeper psychological reasons for sexless couples in Japan than this article mentions, with the main issues centering in the men. From what I gather from all my discussions and readings, the (stereo?)typical Japanese man is shy, embarrassed, timid, and doubtful about sex. Their impotence causing low self-esteem turns them to the comfortable and non-demanding fulfillment of porn, hostess bars, etc. thus leaving the door wide open for all the eager single men to whisk their willing wives away for salacious romps.

    Japanese men need to stand up and get some balls, then take those balls on home instead of leaving them at work or the hostess bar.

  3. Mmmm, an interesting debate. I’m engaged myself to a Japanese women, but admittedly we have a somewhat lack-luster love life. I’m an American myself, and tend to find the bed-side of a relationship just as important as the emotional side. This time around though, having been with this women for two years, with a bit of distance (she is in Osaka, I was in Akita, now Tokyo) really helped the emotional side develop while the physical side sort of went stale. I’ve had my share of sleepless and frustrated nights with it, and have had the occasional why the hell am I getting married thoughts, as well told the same… but for me, the emotional support truly covers all boundaries and I do think of her as a best friend, thusly I don’t worry about the lack of sex as much. But… I can see why Japanese men cheat, and why there is such an abundance of extra-marital affairs. Almost to the point that it’s accepted as going to happen. The mother-in-law-to-be has even gone so far to say, as long as you don’t go to fuuzoku, it’s acceptable…. Unfortunately the next thing that pops up in my mind is, if it’s ok for me, it’s ok for her…. for as sexless as they say the country might be, people are getting their jazz on elsewhere.. For as conservative as this country supposedly is, they have some pretty hard double standards to get used to.

  4. Robert, funny you mention the “as long as you dont go to fuzoku” thing! I got exactly the same thing from my mother in law. It is exactly like that all women of one generation ago actually expect their husbands to have affairs outside of marriage. It’s really kind of weird hey. I must admit, that I have thought (and had the opportunity) a few times to have some extra-marital fun. When my wife rolls over and says she’s not in the mood for the third week in a row, what else do these girls expect us to do? If they don’t do what we need as men, sometime or another, their will be a need for external procurement, no? I dont think this whole idea is Japan specific either – as many of my friends without Japanese wives experience the same thing!

  5. To continue this discussion a little farther, I recalled a couple of shows that had discussed this.

    One was one of the crappier variety specials, which was on I think this last summer. Basically they were comparing percentages and trying to guess which would have a higher percentage. We’re talking banal stuff like, which is higher, the percentage of nurses who marry patients or the percentage of nurses who marry doctors. That sort of stuff. The stuff about extra-marital affairs was interested, in which they said something along the lines of 3 out of 4 couples have extra-marital relations. Interestingly enough, 2 out of 3 OL’s supposedly have intra-company affairs. Anyways, typical Japanese variety crap, but they at least had surveyed a large enough amount of people to be statistically sound.

    Show two, which I’m sure some of you have seen, the Sunday night law show at 9 on Ni Tele (I think) with Shinsuke and the Lawyers turned Talent. Usually it has the humdrum shtick of I want a divorce crap, but usually shinsuke talks with the guests and goes ero-kei all the time. One time they had a couple on, don’t remember who, and they had been married for 20 or so years. The husband blatantly said he sleeps around, and has fun. The wife says? It’s ok if the body plays because the heart belongs to me only. Everyone just laughs and all is good.

    Lastly, another observation that a website I used to read had posted.

    “Finding a spouse in Japan is a lot like going to college in America. Once you reach a certain age, society (and your family) expects it, if only to keep up appearances–in any case, all your friends are, too, so it’s not that bad of an idea. You take a look at your available choices, pick a few realistic-sounding options, and make some applications. Once you find out who will take you, you make a gut decision based on what you think will work out for the best; the decision made, you then focus your energies on making it work as best you can. Congratulations! You’re going to college and/or to be married!

    In Japan, things like joining a company and getting married are viewed as Life Decisions, not Personal Decisions. And when it comes time in your life to make those decisions, you better buckle down and make ‘em, lest you find yourself holding the hot potato when the music stops.”

    Not my words, but I sure as hell understand where he’s coming from…

    When you stop to think about this as well, marriage here in this country is considered something you simply have to do, it’s to have a family, some sort of stable life and kids and continue the line. But you don’t have to take it seriously, you can sleep around, because that’s part of the socially acceptable norm. Flings and sexing around here is borderline “you can’t talk about it or do it” and no one is blatant about it, but everyone is doing it.

    It’s actually things like this that make me realize that Japanese people, for all that they are xenophobic, holier-than-thou, conservative, and image conscious, are simply no better than other societies that they think they are.

    Yet here I am getting living and working in this country, eventually getting married to a Japanese as well. Is it because deep down I like this constriction? Constricted yet in unbelievable areas full of freedom?

    What do you all think?

    As a side note, I have lived in Japan for 3 and a half years, but have been studying Japanese and involved with related things for 6 years now.

    EDITED by Blue: Robert, I made the quote visable as a quote to differentiate it from your writing. Thanks for the insights!

  6. Yep, heard the “don’t go to sex parlours please” story from a friend who had that from his mum in law. Wow. Though my wife said that one of the neighbours wives doesn’t care if her hubby heads out as at least he is not falling in love! Double wow!

    In my humble and not very Christian opinion, I find marriage is a fairly difficult concept to get around. I am happy enough but really suffer under the burden of only being able to look and not touch.

    Sex with one partner for the rest of my life is a concept I really find hard to live with in my early 30’s (I may be okay when I hit 50 as things slow down on me). Okay if you made the “perfect” choice, but how many people do you know who have that perfect marriage anywhere on this planet? I know very few that do. At least very few who are not just plain boring people. In fact stats will tell you that 50% end in divorce, so I assume another 25% live on the verge, another 20% like me have ups and downs and the other 5% are the ones described above and those who found that perfect match.

    Even with the kids that make marriage so “comlete”, both sides (he and she, though he more than she) have major temptations to go find a bit of nooky on the side. I do/did – I may have stopped that… arrrgh, burden it all seems!

    But come on! Sounds like the lads on this post are married to women who have an entirely different culture, language and lifestyle to ourselves. Do we expect to find that perfect harmony and have a perfect sexless marriage? Not really I expect and I’ll take the bumps along the way, even if that means not getting laid with my wife as often as I’d wish. Though I just long for something different (and I know I am not the same).

    Even the same-culture marriages in the article reflect the same inevitable urges in their non-Christian way of life. We, like our Japanese counterparts, can easily end up the same. There is danger here that people start to believe that EVERY Japanese wife is gagging for it from any stray guy that crosses her path. We need to work out what is urban legend and what is reality here. We all know some shocker stories but that isn’t at all the majority is it?

    Anyway, as an aside from my corner, I read an article in some science magazine years ago that tried to tie a theory to the fact that many humans to break up after 6-9 months of dating. I was amazed as that fitted with my general break up point; that point when I started looking at other girls (sorry honey). It all (according to this article) came down to the time span of getting pregnant. If she ain’t getting pregnant, she will start looking for a new partner, as will he. I don’t remember which came first. Interesting theory though that made me out to be more monkey than man and explains my fiscally dangerous trips to seedy strip clubs in Roppongi (in the past, I should add). Though I digress.

  7. Marvin,

    Good post, and yes, I think you hit on one thread that does need to be addressed. That is, just because it’s blatant, doesn’t mean every Japanese woman and man is promiscious and horning to get it on. _Unfortunately_ and you have got to admit this, Japanese woman in general just don’t have a good image, I can’t tell you how many people I know think that Japanese women are easy, and that’s coming not only from foreign friends, but Japanese guy friends as well. Places like the meat markets of Roppongi do _not_ help allay this image. I actually can’t stand this image, because truth be told, I’ve never had any luck with woman like I hear other people do (a little whining perhaps? haha) and honestly that’s why I don’t tend to go to Roppongi, because it’s fiscally a waste of time, why the hell do I have to pay a 300% markup for a drink? To be honest we could go on and on about the stereotypes of Roppongi (Next Stippy article?). Anyways, the trick is not to fall into the trap of assuming that, or otherwise you’re going to have a hell of a time with any woman in this country.

    Another good point is religion, which, personally, I’m not a devout anything, so I don’t quite have the moral restrictions that others might have, so for me, I’ve found it not wrong, not right, not going to hell or heaven, just a way of living and life and even if I don’t like it, it’s going to happen. I’m only in my late twenties, but I’ve found myself growing more fatalistic and cynical it seems (笑) That being said, while I spent a year of college in Japan, a majority of my education was in good old USA, and even being born and raised Oklahoman, and having gone to a bible belt college, I spent more of my share of weekend nights sleeping in the floor lounge because my christian roomie had “company”

    As for the strip bars, and other bars of lesser repute, I will admit, there is sort of the desire to go and see what it’s about. I mean it’s not something I found regularly back home, so there is a curiousity factor, but to be honest, it costs enough to get by, live, and occassionally go out with friends, that I can’t see how people can afford to drop 1~5 man on those “services” for just a few hours or a night. Hell, just wining and dining a regular woman costs too much in this country… (either that or I need a better job!)

  8. Pretty busy at the office today but there are loads of weird things around Japan that make life interesting and you don’t figure out even after years of living here.

    Watching a drag queen on telly late last night I suddenly “clicked” and realized why there may be so many drags making their way up the tarento career track. Far more on TV here than back home in my conservative home nation.

    The reason (according to my 11pm theory): Kabuki! Work that one out. Pretty simple I reckon.

    PS: Yeah, the Pong is a bad trap. Been caught myself there many a time. Still, again, lots of meat market bars back home! Great fun back in the day. Now I’m married and sexless. 😉

  9. Haha, not busy enough at my office for me on my end, for me to be able to get away with write such long ripostes.

    Japanese television itself is a phenomenom that is unexplainable, and goes to show you why some things are so screwy in this country I guess. I kinda envy the foriegn talents who make it on, but then again, most of them are their for show and exploited or stereotyped until the fad passes, so ehh. Basically though, if you’ve got enough money, or a stupid enough gimmick you can get on TV easy it seems.

    But not to derail the discussion.

  10. Japan is quite an anomaly. They make up almost half of the worlds most shocking and “out there” material (getting kicked in the groin fetish, anyone?), yet are very sexless.

    Seeing as Tokyo is the highest populated city, it’s understandable that citizens would be so busy and stressed.
    I, being a very non-sexual person, understand what the mean when they say they see their partner as a close friend or family member. They might feel that their emotional connection is fine, so they really might not think too much about a sexual connection.

    This is really an intruiging article! More for us Japanophiles to ponder over, I guess.

    What a sweet talker you are, Trevor. I have 50 women with bitch slaps in hand waiting for you:
    “If they don’t do what we need as men, sometime or another, their will be a need for external procurement, no?” – Trevor

  11. I think I’ve actually stopped talking to friends because they thought it would be funny to show some of Japanese more disgusting fetishes to me and others. Ah college days.

    Ahem, Japan is quite an anomaly indeed. I’ve got my own theory, which I’m sure someone said or explained while I was studying Japanese anthropology here in college, but I really believe that this is true to an extension of their conformist society. Think about it, starting in school from an early age we start going group mentality, and once Junior High is hit, it’s pretty much hammered into them, conform, be homogenic, don’t be an individual. From there, an average Japanese person’s only out is their hobby, which, this is generalistic, consists of usually whatever 部活動 (club life) they decide to do. For those who don’t do the club, they tend to find one thing and throw themselves into it. From here is where I think Japanese start to differ from westerners in a way because they seriously, seriously throw themselves into it. Thusly we have anime otaku, game otaku, soccer otaku, train otaku, etc. It gets scary in a way how serious that some people can get. Which, personally, I’ve found makes it harder to try some club life and hobbies at times in this country, Japanese are not one for casual trial’s at times. Anyways, to go onto a tangent, this extends into the adult industry with really really weird fetishes and so-called “mania” Perhaps then finding a way to watch this or go out and fulfill this desire elsewhere keeps things at home happy, because heaven forbid if your wife knew you wanted her to walk around in no underwear in a school girl outfit in public flashing people, or some fetish worse then that. Anyways, I think this is why you can see a totally balanced person at work or school or seems absolutely wonderful, but they have this one thing that they concentrate, get good at, be obsessed with that totally (hopefully) helps them relieve stress. Anyways.. went off on a tangent. That and writing helps me pass time at work, hah.

    In a way I’ve sort of realized then why you see men and women look for something new, something to break the hum-drum life of work, go home, do family duties, sleep, rinse and repeat. I myself have a commute of an hour to work (I really need to move into Tokyo) and lately I wish I had something to do or someone to talk to on the train. The wife-to-be is busy working her own job and so mail to her doesn’t really happen so often lately, because she tends to work later then me or be busy with her family.

    As for Trevor’s quote

    “If they don’t do what we need as men, sometime or another, their will be a need for external procurement, no?” – Trevor

    This goes both ways, as it seems to be pretty obvious that some married women are apparently looking outside the home for something other then the emotional support. I wouldn’t have quite worded it that way though. 😉

    In a way, Japan is no worse then America or any other westernized country, people will sleep around, cheat, rationalize, and do their own thing. People are just afraid to respect opinions I guess. Just because someone has a mistress or sefure doesn’t mean they are a bad person.

    Who knows though, for the time being it makes for great discussion and passing of time at work.

  12. I am very sexless also so Im a bit confused about this article…sometimes I dont even care about the sex/gender of scrubbers I pick up in clubs

  13. Thanks for all the comments people, keep them rolling in. This is one area that I would like more people’s perspective on, as it is kind of hard to ask those around you in your everyday life.

    Taxman, you need a careful look at your own sexual preferences before worrying about others’ sexlessness… But please, you go ahead and keep picking up the scrubbers with a bulge down one of their legs and then we will never cross each other’s paths in or around the Roppongi Heartland!

  14. It’s funny that some of you hear the “as long as you don’t go to fuzoku”. I get just the opposite from the wife and mother-in-law. I was actually told by the wife that if I had the urge for some strange, she’d rather have me messing around with a woman that I am paying for, rather a woman that I might develop feelings for. As for me, I enjoy sex with my wife. We have, at least I think so, a pretty adequate sexual relationship. 2-3 time s a week isn’t too shabby. Is it? As for me, I would love to have more. Just not with her. I do very much Love my wife but I would like to go dipping into something different once in a while. I on the other hand, would rather have a furin, than pay for a pro. As bad as this sounds I believe it is safer to find another married woman as a (temporary) lover because both of you have the same thing to loose. I do have married friends that are out and about beating around any bush they can find. I still have yet to act upon my hunger for another but the thought and temptation is always there.

  15. Imagine that, being married for reasons other than slavery to sexual inclination!

    Awwww darn, their culture isn’t churning out wage/sex slaves in record numbers, poor multi nationals.

    How dare they treat sexual desire like any other consequence of being hairless apes? Slake it safely and move on, kinda like our built in desire to crush enemy skulls with jaw bones and severed limbs.

    Less children means more individual attention per child, and on every level that’s a good thing. Japan is taking the opinion that quality trumps quantity when it comes to people, and I couldn’t agree more. There are other species that that the view that more=better ants, bees, fish, are you seeing a pattern?

    It’s an adult culture with a clear vision of the capabilities of technology. Thus they see sex much like they see eating, a relic of or biological imperatives. Sure they have a problem, who dosent, but they clearly realize that doing things the old way is not a solution.

    This is a teething event, and a problem I hope to one day see in America. But honestly I’m thinking we might not survive into national adulthood. To attack Japanese culture as some do because of this tiny hiccup is short-sighted without rational justification, and totally the typical behavior of the average American.

    In short, this is a non problem and its short-term to a thinking man. Yea they’ll have a problem when the leftovers of previous fuck happy generations start needing their bedpan changed, but in time the new trend and numbers will balance out. These people survived and thrived despite nuclear attack, they live in the middle of the ocean, which isn’t exactly known for its uneventful weather, on a tiny island.

    Color me crazy but I think they can handle a surplus of old people.

  16. Interesting story, and even more interesting comments.

    I would like to add two things: 1) the birth rate has fallen all over the world in first-world countries. Population growth verges between flat (avg. 2 kids per couple) or below replacement (

  17. Good stuff,
    Married a Japanese woman about a year and a half ago(together for 4) and man she wants action. We live in SF and I want to move to Japan(she is from Shinjuku(tokyo)) and learn japanese woodworking. My wife will have none of it-we will move to kansas(my family home) before Japan. I have to say Keiko is the best woman I have ever had-I tell I my friends marry a Japanese woman-You will be happy. That being said she won’t deal with my shit, she is just much more sanguine about it all and I love that.
    Great blog and I will return to read please keep it up so I can keep reading-I might even show the wife.

  18. Great comments, I have been with my girlfriend here in Japan for nearly 5 years. Of course that means that the marriage pressure is on because she is fastly approaching 25. She has the old thinking that you have to get married by 25 or considered worthless goods. This goes along with the Japanese concept of the Christmas cake, after the 25th, it is garbage. That being said, I am fearful of marriage. Right now we are very sexually active with each other and I have heard so many stories of men marrying Japanese women and then the sex slowly begins to disappear. She has told me about friends who are boyfriend/girlfriend and have already given up having sex. Is marriage going to be that bad? In that case, I want to be unmarried for the rest of my life.

  19. How to deal with a Japanese wife 101 FAQ
    (Circa May 26, 2000)

    INTRODUCTION

    This is a working draft version of the FAQ and has been concocted from various postings on fj.life.in-japan.

    Read this FAQ before you go and get romantically/sexually/maritally involved with the female of the species Japanicus Autocentricus, thereby morphing yourself into Husbandus Superfluous.

    * * *

    I’m going to give you some advice that I wish I had gotten 11 years ago when I married a demure pretty Japanese wife who turned into a genderless piece of a dictative authority figure soon after marriage.

    1.1 IS SHE FOR REAL?

    Now you asked if she’s for real. Yeah, she’s certainly for real. A marriage for many Japanese isn’t about love. That’s just an Orwellian word that sounds better than the reality. One reality is that she expected to marry a guy just like her pussy-whipped father. The other reality, and the one that finds her living with you in the states, is that she got married to you because of her school girl fantasies of living as a spoiled housewife in a big house in an American suburb with some faceless foreign husband who alternated between Tom Cruise for cute and Harrison Ford for masculinity are not part of the reality she finds herself in.

    1.2 LOGIC?

    The first rule when dealing with a stereotypical Japanese woman is to throw logic out of the window. The use of Reason alone will get you nowhere my friend! But reason is not the same as communication, so go ahead and talk, rant, tell her how you feel. Just don’t expect any changes right away, because you’re dealing with emotions here and you’re just planting seeds.

    Tell her you’ll accomodate and support her in a Japanese way, but that since she decided to marry an American, she has to come halfway to your side, too.

    Every marriage comes with a 20 year marital torture guarantee. Don’t think you’re getting out of it. Your ancestors did it for you, now it’s your turn.

    1.3 HAVING IT BOTH WAYS

    Problem was this… her personality seemed to be very different on her home turf, with her own language. She became testy, sometimes abrasive, and dare I say it, cold and distant.

    You might not realize it, but she’s trying to have it both ways: the freedom and individuality of living in America, while simultaneously being treated as a traditional Japanese woman. You need to expose this double standard to her.

    2.0 PREGNANCY

    Pregnancy has a profound effect on most women’s personality, and things don’t automatically revert to the way they were after birth. You can not fight mother nature, but you can finesse her. The popular myth of course is that cheating men cause marriages to fail, but I think we know this is a load of bull (hint: 2.6 times per week, ladies, and your man will not stray!). So don’t get all guilty.

    3.0 WHY PEOPLE DO IT

    b) stick it out and try to right the marriage ship. Sounds good on paper, but my hunch is that I’m in for 20 years-plus of absolute marital torture. (I’m not even 30 yet).

    I think that a lot of women get married so that they can take you off the market and then get what they really want, which is a baby. Once they have the sprog, the husband then becomes a cash machine and little more. A lot of men, due to what they may feel are chivalrous (or religious) obligations, will try to make this nonsense work and that is what the wife counts on.

    Sucker! She already has what she wants, a baby. Then she denies you what you want, which is emotional support, affection and sex. “Oh, you’re always thinking of sex” is something they will throw at you to try to make you feel ashamed.

    “There’s more to marriage then just sex.” Horseshit. If there is no sexual attraction, affection or emotional connection, what you are living with is a friend.

    Men don’t want to marry “just friends.” And now that she has just become your friend, she is treating you like crap. If a friend to whom you didn’t have a legal contract (marriage certificate) treated you like crap, you would say, “on your bike, mate.” So why put up with it from your wife? And you wouldn’t pay your friend’s bills, right? She is already saying, by being a slob, that she doesn’t care if you walked off a bridge tomorrow. You’re going to accept that? Are you that pussywhipped?

    You also didn’t want a kid. Look, I know you like your daughter. That is only natural.

    But you have to leave your wife and if you hold on to the child, it will always be a point of contention between you guys and it will give her an excuse to play games with you. And the child will feel perpetually guilty if she sees you two quarreling over her all the time. Moreover, this is complicated by the fact that you guys are straddling two nationalities.

    4.0 BOYS BE AMBITIOUS

    Be selfish, son. It’s your life. Life is short, so make the best of it. Jettison the bullshit (your wife) and find someone who will appreciate you (given the Draconian divorce laws in California, though, I would recommend that you avoid getting married again. There is nothing in it for men at all). And with your next mate, tell her what it is you expect and if she doesn’t like it then walk.

    5.0 READ THE FAQ

    I *hope* the guy isn’t really going through that hell…but this is a horrible case of “not reading the FAQ” before he went and got romantically/sexually/maritally involved with the female of the species Japanicus Autocentricus, thereby morphing himself into Husbandus Superfluous.

    Fellas, this is why our daddies try (in vain) to tell us to keep it in our pants. Remember: If you can’t keep it there yourself, you run the danger of ending up married to somebody who will keep it there for you.

    6.0 PARENTS

    No, I am quite certain that there really are such men with such problems, because I have met such men, even just in Fukuyama. One was a Brit withone daughter. One was an American, with one girl and one boy, IIRC, and the other was a Canadian who was married recently and followed his wife to Japan, who got past the honeymoon stage in a hurry.

    In every case, the women were living either with their parents (wife of Brit), or in the same town (other two). Guess who the parents sided with, no matter who seemed to be at fault?

    7.0 MONEY

    The Brit’s wife held down a good steady full time job despite being married with child, and made no secret she did not need her husband for support. The American’s former wife (who also revealed her belief woman should stay at home and watch TV while husband worked and also earned an MBA, after they were married) relied on her parents. The Canadian’s wife, a government worker, simply went back home one day and cut off communication with her husband, who seems to be totally in the dark about what the whole thing is about, and was threatened with police and legal action if he tried to go to the house again or refused divorce.

    8.0 EXECUTIVE SUMMARY

    I don’t know many Western men married to Japanese women around here, but the batting average does not seem to be good.

    9.0 WHO ME WORRY?

    Let’s expose this situation for what it is… a total SHAM!

    It’s not a sham. Your wife walked into marriage with expectations that you would head off to work in the morning, come back late in the evening with your paycheck in hand and be too tired to do anything except go to sleep in your own futon without making a whole lotta racket.

    That is marriage, son. It’s marriage in the US, it’s marriage in the UK, it’s marriage in Japan. It’s probably even marriage in Bumfucked Peking. Women have expectations that go something like “We’ll have a romantic honeymoon in Hawaii, and then I’ll have lots of time to spend at home watching Leave it to Beaver re-runs or maybe Hollywood squares if she’s already seen the episode where the Beaver gets a paper route to pay for the bicycle in the window.

    Marriage is not a romantic stroll on the beach. It’s a non-stop boring routine that isn’t helped by the addition of a kid or three. You’ve got responsibilities. So does she. Her responsibilities revolve around your child/children. You no longer count as anything more than a paycheck and an extra plate of food on the table. If you want to have wild and sweaty sex, get a girlfriend. You’re married and that kinda stuff went out the window when the kid showed up.

    10.0 I THINK I’M TURNING JAPANESE

    It’s not just you, me, Japanese men, American men, Chinese, Russian or Nigerian men. All of us guys, no matter where we find ourselves, jumped into the sack of marriage with a lusty little demure girl and woke up with duplicates of our mother-in-laws.

    Our wives didn’t get a much better deal. They married a well educated(i.e. paycheck) and a romantic guy that didn’t fart at the dinner table. They ended up with duplicates of their disgusting father-in-laws who fart at the table, fart in bed, aren’t interested in romance anymore, and never wash their feet.

    I told you before that if you have expectations, then sit her down and explain to her how things are going to be. She should have done the same thing to you, so I guess both are at fault. It’s kinda late now that you have a child, but I don’t really believe she’s asking so much from you. Your traditional role in a marriage is to provide the money and security. Hers is to make sure that the children’s diapers are clean and the beans aren’t burned. Didn’t you ever watch the Brady Bunch?

  20. I think marry with japanese girl is very good for your future because Japanese girls is very loyalty and care and love her husband.
    maybe someday I can get marry with one of girl from Japan.
    Anyone japanese girl want for serious…..
    hehe….
    try to understand her and keep your relation.
    riza22222@yahoo.co.id

  21. All,
    You’re really worrying me. The comments seem to be all completely classified into two groups:

    1) Gaijin who have married Japanese and distinctly noticed their sex lives dwindle upon having married (but generally had a great sex-life while courting)

    2) Randy Gaijin who haven’t actually married (although they might have dated a few) a Japanese person but have strong desire to because they’ve heard somewhere that most Japanese people are really randy, too, and so Blue’s article couldn’t possibly be right.

    This is all starting to make me really believe that old saying 釣った魚には餌をやらない。 Is there anyone out there who is happily (and hornilly) married!?? I’m contemplating marriage with my long-standing Japanese partner – please help!!

  22. Gourmet, my opinion – don’t get married to a Japanese. I would just keep her as a girlfriend if you want your sex life to continue as is. Japanese girls are like transformers, pussy whips in disguise. They transform on your wedding day, and only whip for penis when they want babies. The rest of the time is spent whipping you for money, and whipping your friends away from you.

  23. there are so many foreigners marrying japanese girls, i bet the next generation of japan might be the cutest in the world…

  24. guys, the whole concept of getting married is about having family. living with family members is not always romantic, it could be very stressful some time. It needs efforts from both husbands and wives, and kids too. no efforts (and it’s a countinuous one), no happy marriage!

  25. Gourmet, this looks like more evidence to support Trevor:

    “No sex, please: we’re Japanese – and married”

    published earlier this month in the times. I haven’t been married long enough to give you any reliable advice, but surely it boils down to communication. If you are open and honest with your hubbie/wife from the beginning then it’s hard to say that your expectations weren’t met. Or am I just another naive gaijin who has joined the list…?

  26. >> am I just another naive gaijin who has joined the list…?

    I thought that too!

    >> If you are open and honest with your hubbie/wife

    And that!

  27. I think maybe sometime if your living with family members make your stress,but some time if you far from them your feel loose them….

  28. OK,

    Having followed the comments through the rss, I notice that we’re kind of starting to lose sight of the main article. Yes, Japanese marriages are sexless, yes, us foreigners married/getting married might be experiencing that. So yes, the talk to going to fuzoku, or is is accepted to play around while married and what not is relevant, but I think we’re falling into a rut of saying “Japanese girls are great in bed, until their married, so just hit as many Japanese girls as you can, because that’s all they’re good for” and playing into building a very bad image. Think we should stop and step back a second, we’re falling into drunknanpa level comments here, and bring the level back up a notch.

    That said, I was re-reading the comments, and what Drew said, about the wife and what not saying get your rocks off at fuzoku, because it’s a service, for your body not your heart. I have other friends say that, and it seems there are at least some level of the population that believes in that way of thought, that the body can play but the heart (and paycheck, for the most part) stays at home. I would have to say that the fact that there is an abundance of fuzoku, with delivery girls, and other weird abnormal things goes to say there is a demand, and that the population accepts it, even if they don’t talk about it.

    However, I also agree with Drew that, _if_ I had to choose, I would rather go with the furin, or the friend with benefits, over the fuzoku, because there is a certain amount of trust to the friend with benefits, that you have then you would from fuzoku. I mean… who wants to sleep with someone who could be sleeping with three or four guys a night? The thought is absolutely chilling to me. Of course, in this day and age, you can get something from the girl next door even so…

    Also, Autocentricus good faq, got a chuckle out of it, and there is quite a bit of truth to it.

  29. Of the few girls I have spoken to on this topic, every single one said they prefer that if their man had to, then he should go to the fuzoku. Definately not furin. And the reason is that it is because a furin may start to play with the heart (even if you dont expect it), whereas the fuzoku is in, out, pay, and finished. No chance of the girl losing her mans heart to the fuzoku girl. That makes it a 100% bodily service.

  30. Autocentricus, your post is amazing! I certainly don’t agree with everything you say, but there is much truth in it. That said, here’s something quite relevant that I posted (in desperation) to another web site (reddit.com) earlier today:

    Yes, I’ve been married to a Japanese woman who I am still very much in love with. The major problem in our marriage has always been lack of intimacy. This translates into her not wanting to hold hands or hug (or return such gestures when I initiate them). This also means that she doesn’t like to kiss and has little interest in sex. Despite that, sex is sometimes good, but even with the better moments, her attitude always seems to be that it is something that I do to her rather than something we do together. In bed, she is extremely passive, happy to receive oral pleasure, for example, but almost never giving it. (When she does, it has only been at my request and it never last evena full minute before she lays her head back down and waits for me to do something.) She also seems to think of once per week as a maximum. I try so hard to please her. I know I’m not a perfect husband, but when she’s particularly unhappy with something I’ve done or haven’t done, she doesn’t tell me. In the over 10 years we’ve been married, I’ve tried to discuss these issues with her and to change my own attitudes, but I have seen no effort on her part to do the same. She seems to think that I must just adapt. When we have talked about these issues, she often justifies her attitude as stemming from her being Japanese. (For example, “Japanese don’t like to kiss,” she says.) Like many Japanese, she seems to have a fatalistic attitude, believing that we must accept the way we are. My attitude (which is no doubt related to my own cultural upbringing in the U.S.) is that there is certainly much in our personalities we can trace to culture and that when we see that, we must keep in mind and show patience, but that a cultural basis is never justufucation for not changin at all. (Slavery and segregation, after all, were major parts of American culture for a very along time, but that didn’t mean we should have jsut accepted them!) From my years living in Japan and from years of frustration with the woman I love, I am convinced that Japanese society has some of the most unhealthy attitudes toward sex and intimacy.
    I said that the sex is good sometimes. Recently, I’ve come to realize that that’s mainly because if you starve someone enough, almost any food will taste good. About 2 weeks ago, as we were (or, more correctly, as I was) just beginning our same, old, predictible pattern of foreplay, I suggested something slightly different. When she balked, I said that we need to do something different at least once in a great while, she responded, “Why?”. I just said that sex gets boring if you don’t, then we returned to our usual pattern of me spending 30 minutes getting her turned on while she lies on her back with her eyes closed, then she signals that she’s ready while continuing to lie flat on her back — the only position she wants. Later, I realized that since it had been almost 3 weeks since we had had sex, I was like an starving man happy whose only food for over 10 years had been stale bread. After a few weeks with nothing at all, he can be grateful for even that same, old stale bread.
    The reasons for this situation are many, and I am sure that I am not without blame, but I do think that Japanese culture is one of the primary causes, including the notion that change is not possible.
    This post has gotten way too long! Obviously, we’ve got some serious problems here. I’ve spent so much time looking for books on this topic and advice on the web, but it’s very difficult to find any in English that address these problems from the standpoint of cultural backgrounds. Also, almost all advice realting to lack of sex and sex drive in marriage refers to getting your relationship back to where it used to be. Before we married and in the early years of marriage, we had the same problems, but there always seemed to be hope that things would change. Now, I don’t have much hope for the future and I’m desperate for advice. If anyone can point me toward good sources for that, I would be very much obliged.
    Thanks — and sorry again for the long rambling post!

    (My wife has many qualities that have led me to love her deeply, but I’m not sure how long I can continue without intimacy. I should add one other VERY important fact that will no doubt help you understand our problems: we have 4 kids. She’s a wonderful mother to them. To both of us, nothing is more important than them. She, however, also seems to think that it is not possible to make kids the #1 priority and our marriage #2. To me, she seems to think that kids are the ONLY priority and that I’m just being selfish. Uhg!)

  31. Kakui,
    I think I’m probably preaching to the converted but I read some interesting data somewhere – I just wish I could remember the source for you. It surveyed married couples in various countries about what their priorities were. I think the question was something like, if you were caught in a river close to drowning with your partner and your child, which would you save.
    Apparently almost all Japanese participants announced that they would save their child whereas a lot (I can’t remember what percentage) of Westerners answered their spouse.
    I think it is a difficult question because clearly there is no obvious answer and you could definitely answer that they are both wrong. I suppose what is different is this perception. ie
    To Japanese there seems to be one right answer.
    To Westerners there is no right answer.
    It seems to have something to do with being a blood relation – what do you call it 血縁関係? There is something about family relationships in Japan which are much, much stronger than in the West. I’m not just talking about oedipus syndrome, think of how the eldest son looks after his parents – quite often more so than he does his own wife. If your wife and your own Mother had a fight – whose side would you take? That’s a tricky question again but I think that in Japan the answer is pretty obvious.
    The problem with having a child (or four) is that you create more and more people in your “family” which are connected by blood to your spouse. That makes you a minority.
    Kakui, is your wife close to her family? Am I right in guessing that she would side with her Dad over you in a fight. Boy, have I seen that happen before today.
    I think this attitude to blood relatives is a cultural issue and will be very hard to change. If that is what she is referring to when she gives you the “it’s because I’m Japanese crap” then I think I can hear where she is coming from.
    That aside, there is no reason why this has to imply that you can never have a strong bond with a complete strange (ie. you). If you don’t mind my asking, did you ever have that type of relationship? (To be honest the girls like Trevor was talking about are real mysteries to me)
    In the few relationships that I have seen like that around me, the couple was very quick to have children. It is really hard to fight with your wive’s 母性本能. Unless you have spent a long time (and I think that means many years in some cases) building an extremely strong (and romantic) base to your relationship, you’re going to find that it suffers immediately once “mini me” (or should I say “mini her”) is on the scene.
    Does that all sound plausible?

  32. Wow, I unfortunately have a day job so must keep it brief. Kakui sounds like he’s married to MY wife. Amazingly similar. To try and fix things (without going the girlfriend/’ho route) I suggested to her that we get some toys and costumes and she said yes. So best I go buy them. I’ll let you know how it works out. I also suggested breast implants, which she said she wanted. So there goes 5 grand. I’ll let you know how they work out too.

  33. Kakui, I am in the same boat as Marvin and you also. I have tried and recently succeeded in spicing up my “night” life with the wife. It just involved a few D&Ms with her about how I wasn’t feeling like a man, and I asked her if I could do anything more to help her get in the mood to, well, get in the sack. She soon saw my side of things, and all is good for now.

    Seems the Koreans are also making fun of the Japanese in this article:
    http://theseoultimes.com/ST/?url=/ST/db/read.php?idx=4976

    I expected western media to ring this sexless Japan thing until the last drop, but when other Asian countries start, Japan has really got some thinking (and more!) to do.

  34. Looks like the sexless issue is not only limited to Japan. Here is an article on China Daily today.

    ********************************************************
    30% of couples abandon sex for stress
    By Wu Jiao (China Daily)
    Updated: 2007-04-02 06:45

    With constant pressure from families and careers, a staggering 30 percent of middle-aged couples give up on sex, according to a new survey.

    The survey, the first of its kind to measure intimacy between middle-aged couples in China, was conducted by American pharmaceutical manufacturer Eli Lilly Company and the Beijing-based China Population Communication Center.

    Interviewing 32,906 people in 10 big cities including Beijing and Guangzhou, the poll found that middle-aged couples in the Chinese mainland seldom communicate in their daily life, and often rate their sex lives poorly.

    The survey suggests that the major problems affecting marriages are lack of communication, arguments and unsatisfactory sex.

    While 46 percent of respondents said they believe a satisfactory sex life promotes intimacy between couples, most couples admitted that their sex life has deteriorated since their wedding.

    Around 45 percent of couples said that the husband has sexual dysfunction. Of those, 76 percent said they feel frustrated and complain about it.

    Specifically, 30 percent of middle-aged couples and 25 percent of couples younger than 30 have given up sex altogether as a result of physical or psychological problems related to stress.

    Many couples also said they were frustrated at the lack of day-to-day intimacy in their lives.

    According to the survey, 41 percent of middle-aged couples only kiss and cuddle at home when their children are not around.

    About 25 percent only want to mind their own business when they are left alone, either just talking or not communicating at all.

    The older the couples are, the less likely they are to communicate or act intimately, found the survey.

    Another notable finding was that family responsibilities often lead to a decrease in communication – 37 percent of respondents said pressure from concerns over their children’s education, caring for parents or finances had led to less communication with their spouse.

    According to Qiu Xiaolan, an expert with the China Sexology Association, a healthy sex life and frequent day-to-day communication are the foundations for maintaining an intimate relationship between husband and wife.

    A decline in sex will lead to a decrease in communication and adversely affect the relationship, said Qiu.

    “Due to the heavy burden having a family and a career puts on middle aged people today, sexual dysfunction is affecting more and more middle-aged men, overshadowing their relationship with their wives and undermining the stability of the family,” said Qiu.

  35. Gourmet in Washington, you make some good points. I should underscore, however, that these issues were present even before we had kids. She always had a reason why this was not the moment — you know, the usual: I’m really tired, I have a headache, . . . . Before kids, during the first year and a half of our marriage, she was working a lot of hours at a tough job, but so was I! We were both stressed out at times, but she always seemed to view sex as another chore, another duty that added additional stress rather than something we do together that helps reduce stress (among other benefits). She hasn’t changed in that regard, and kids have, of course, made things even harder.

    Who do you save from drowning, your spouse or your kids? Well, I’m a Westerner, but I would have to say the kids — no doubt about it. I have always felt that way. I don’t say that because of the problems between my wife and me, and I am glad that she also would not hesitate to choose the kids. But I should add that she is very close to her mother, and I’m not so sure if she would choose to save me before saving her mom — despite the fact that her mom’s got 24 years on me! I love my mother very, very much, but I would choose my wife over my mom if faced with such a situation.

    Marvin & Jim, I feel for you guys, of course. I’ve tried spicing up our sex life, and it seemed to work a bit at times, but then we too easily fell back into the same situation. She’s not into costumes, but I’ve introduced toys, which she seemed to enjoy, but again, she always just laid back and let me do something to her. They never resulted in any real change, and they came with her usual list of “don’ts” and “can’ts (e.g. Don’t touch my breasts – I don’t like that. Don’t expect me to roll over. I can’t do anything to you – too tired or I just don’t want to.). We’ve also views some carefully selected porn together, which seemed to get her turned on a bit, but she still just laid there. A couple years ago, in an act of desperation, I even suggested we go to what was supposed to a very nice, on-premises swing club. I wasn’t suggesting swinging — and, supposedly, many of the couples at this club are only there to see and be seen — but I thought if she saw what other couples do together, it might encourage her to relax. (Previously, when we had been talking about love hotels back in Japan, she mentioned that in recent years — since we left Japan — love hotels where you can see other couples were becoming more popular. She said she’d be interested in visiting one together.) She was open to going to the club and suggested that I check out the certain dates. I did, but nothing was good anytime very soon. After a few weeks, when I came back to the idea and tried to schedule it again, she was totally negative about it. Okay, maybe it was a dumb idea, but I was — and am — desperate.

    She’s hinted that I might follow the example the example of the husband (American) of a good friend of hers (Japanese). As far as we can tell, their marriage is totally or almost totally sexless — at least betweent he two of them. The friend’s husband is always mentioning to me strip clubs here in America and his visits to Bangkok. But it’s my wife I want. It’s her I love. I’ve told her that again and again and again.

  36. Yeah, some interesting comments on that site too.

    I gotta admit, it sounds like I have it pretty good after all. At least in my case it is ME, not my wife who slows our sex life down. I just need some “strange”. Same old, same old. That gets old. For both he and she. Also, I don’t buy into this “Japanese only” crap, I have friends back home who are pretty similar and don’t shag so often. You just get bored with the same old rituals, same old tools.

    Everyone needs a change now and then, it is basic human hormonal nature, the way God made us or however you wanna put it. Speaking of which, we need some God freaks on this thread to spice up the conversation!

  37. Please Help me for information free website looking japanese women for married.
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  38. My girl caught me looking at this thread and the gaijinpot thread (actually I left it up and she used the computer the next morning) and she asked me if it is something I was worried about. We’re not sexless (not married either) but there has definitely been a tapering off.

    Well, we had sex twice that night, with renewed passion. So an answer to all you sexless guys out there… let her catch you looking at this thread (or the gaijin pot thread). It will work better than direct confrontation.

    Let me know if this works for anyone else.

  39. >Marvin
    >Do married Christians have sex? What about married Japanese Christians then?

    Good questions — I guess! My wife (Japanese) and I (American) are both Christians, but I don’t think religion has anything to do with it. Indeed, the ideal marriage as laid it in most Christian theology with which I’m familiar, emphasizes the union of two souls. The brand of Christianity that we practice encourages couples to express their love for each other in various ways, including in the bedroom. However, she became a Christian only three years ago and has not paid any attention to such ideas. Whatever the source — from Christianity, sociology, philosophy, or simple advice columns — she tends to dismiss any notions that don’t conform to her own preconceived ideas. She thinks that I’m just expecting her to be an American woman. I’ve tried hard to make sure that that’s not what I’m asking of her, but fearing that she could have a point in at least a few instances, I’ve read and tried to learn whatever I can about universal ideas of love, intimacy and sex. I’ve purposely tried to find notions that would contradict my own thinking and challenge me to change. The more I do that, however, the more I’m led to the conclusion that Japan has an unusually high number of people with very unhealthy attitudes toward marriage and that I’m married to one of them.

    I do not – or , at least, I know that I must not – expect that my wife will ever completely conform to what I believe, but I do expect that her to try to learn and understand as best she can what love is and how humans express it. She told me six months or so ago that she’s not so sure that she understands what love is, and therefore can’t be sure how much she loves me. My response was to try harder to learn more and understand better issues of love, marriage, intimacy and sex and to encourage her to do the same. She’s just not interested. I know, she’s working full time and we have 4 kids, so it’s awfully tough to find the time or energy, so I’ve really, really, really tried to lower my expectations, hoping only that there would be at least some little sign that she was trying at least a little bit. I’ve also been trying hard to make sure that I’m doing more around the house, taking more responsibility for the kids, etc. I’ve tried to talk to myself, to soothe myself and not to get angry or show frustration. I’ve tried to be as sweet and loving as I can be. I give her massages (which she loves). I tell her how beautiful she is. I tell her how much I love her. Her response: nothing.

    About 2 months ago, reaching what seemed to be a crisis point, I stopped the massages and the words of love. I also tried my best to be polite and to just treat her the same way she treats me. At the same time, I also redoubled my efforts to take care of housework and kids. That didn’t work either. In fact, she just starting telling her friend how she had recently discovered some negative aspects of me that she hadn’t known before. So, about a month ago, I went back to trying to be more understanding and to treat her in a loving way. Now, she’s happier with me again, but she is still making no efforts In fact, we’re having even less sex!

    I – rather, we – really need help. I just wish that she knew that.

    Addendum:
    One of the big problems, it seems, is that a lot of Japanese don’t view learning as something you do your entire life. My wife seems to think that by the time she was 23 years old, she was completely formed. That seems to be her attitude with almost everything.

  40. A friend asked me how he could spice up his sex life with his girlfriend last year. I told him he should do cos-play and dress up as Buzz Lightyear. He took me seriously the fool. They broke up at Xmas.

    Kakui, maybe you need to do the spicy thing. But hey with 4 kids!!! How can you get time? We have kids too but when they are asleep, I want to get the mrs all decked out in the suspenders, stockings and heels, school girl uniform and the likes and have my wicked ways. yeaaaah! Beats spanking off to the computer.

    Has your wife ever busted you doing that? Ouch.

  41. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OraQHpHvB3I

    this is NEVER my problem! and i always laugh when i hear it from others, gaijin and japanese alike.

    1) i set the stage by telling all the girls that i think i may have sex with that in all my relationships i have sex 3 – 5 times a week.

    2) i learned the culinary art of cunnilingus. which means i can almost quarantee she’ll cum first. trust me, when she cums in that way she’s ‘addicted’ to me.

    cunnilingus, you can’t rush it, count on minimum face time of 15 – 20 minutes. technique is important, try to think of savoring a juicy steak or licking an ice cream cone, not swallowing bad tasting medicine.

    few men have that skill, learn it and i promise she’ll be asking to cum back

    i think that the reason i’ve stumbled along so well as i have, is that giving a woman pleasure has always been my goal. women tell me i’m good, they voluntarily tell me, i’ve never asked,”was it good?” and i’ve figured out enough about the female anatomy where it’s hard to fake an orgasm with me. my very first lay out of highschool(i was a virgin ’till 18 but almost a freight train every since)was an older woman who had been chasing me who absolutely didn’t believe i was a virgin.

    with my girl now we have sex sex 2 – 3 times everytime we meet, twice a week. my goal has always been to exhaust women, put them to sleep through body shattering, convulsive orgasms. i do this through oral sex, not cock insertion. which means they cum first, that is my goal. after i cum, they are surprised when i tell them i’m not tired. i smile sometimes as they can barely keep their eyes open as they play with their hair and smile at me. believe me there is nothing like the look of satisfied woman that has just cum sleeping next to you! heck i’m damn near getting a hardon just thinking about it. when a girl tells you her pussy “feels like indonesia” when she thinks about you at work, yeah, you are doing something right!

    true story: in the states my mom came into my apartment to leave something for me(i wasn’t there) and she heard one of my girls leaving a message for me. later my mother asked me, “what are you doing to these girls? you better watch yourself! what, you think you invented sex!?” my response, “no mom, i didn’t invent it. girls just didn’t enjoy it before me! ha hah ha” my mother threw her shoe at me.

    get a girl to cum consistently and you can have all the sex you want from her. it is truly a drug for them, because generally men do not care enough. my sex life is great because i know that hands down i’m one of the best lays on earth, this is not conceit, i work at it, i just truly really love giving pleasure.

  42. Mitaboy: “i know that hands down i’m one of the best lays on earth”

    Who knows….you might be, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t a complete tosser! Grow up mate – you sound like an 18-year-old.

    Having sex is like learning a language – the moment you thing you are getting OK at it, someone comes along who shows you just how much better you can be.

    Except of course if you are Mitaboy who seems to have peaked already….

    All this is only just on topic though isn’t it….somehow I think that there could be deeper social issues behind this than just the willingness to go down?

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