With maid cafes where pretty young girls that ooze submissiveness to their “masters”, and “shuccho health” (出張ヘルス, basically, dial-a-prostitute) and soap-lands (sensual bathing houses with soapy special service) to vending machines for porn, and specialty shops with used high school girl underwear; Japan, at least on the surface appears one of the most sexually proactive nations in the world. Japanese men are as perverted (if not more perverted) than those in other countries, and as for the ladies, on top of being naturally feminine (with petite sexy bodies, skin that doesn’t seem to change complexion from childhood, pretty faces and silky black hair), the women of Japan have no misconceptions about what style – clothes, perfume and make up – makes a man stop in his tracks, and rouse that tingle in his loins.
When interacting with others, sex and everything surrounding it is fair game for a topic of conversation in Japan and, it is certainly not frowned upon by religious groups or society at large as it is in the USA and other countries. When it comes to secreting sexual hormones and sexuality in general, almost nothing is taboo in Japan – until that is, the day one gets married, or so it seems. Indeed in stark sexual contrast, Japan may be suffering from a sexual drought, where being totally open about sex and being sexy in general, doesn’t seem to be converted into the ins-and-outs of baby making when it comes to married couples.
Shown in these statistics, a recent survey by Japan’s health ministry found that as many as one-third of all marriages in Japan are sexless. The problem is now so widespread that the government fears it is a major contributor to the dramatic plunge in Japan’s birthrate (now only 1.28 births per woman). This sexless phenomenon is not only found in those relationships that are plunging down the drain toward divorce, but to the contrary, more and more couples that consider themselves healthily married (and have no intention of separating), have not had sex with each other in the last month or more (the common definition of “sexless” in Japan), with many saying that they have not had sex together in the last 6 months to one year.
According to the most recent survey of 41 nations last October, the average Japanese has intercourse 45 (and according to Bayer Pharmaceuticals as low as 17) times a year, compared with the global average of 103. Japan is repeatedly at the bottom of the list. Last year it trailed Singapore, which was 28 shags a year higher!
The term “sexless”, was first used in Japan in the early 1990s, but now is instantly recognizable to the Japanese as a universally understood concept, and widely discussed in the media. There are books on the subject and thousands websites and heartbreaking blogs discussing sexless Japan, while letters on the subject fill agony columns on “dear doctor”-type sites.
One in five sexless couples say they view sex simply as a nuisance. A small number cite the lack of a private space, because children or elderly parents often sleep just the other side of a paper-thin door, leading many married couples to even sleep in separate rooms. Mitsui Home announced recently in an Asahi Newspaper article, that in 30% of the new houses they build, the couples are asking for 2 “master” bedrooms. This is a shocking statistic, which shows that sexless couples want to continue living their lives together – separately! “We are sort of room-mates rather than a married couple”, one 31-year-old man, who had not had sex with his wife for two years, told the Asahi Shinbun.
There are many other theories about why the Japanese become less inclined to raunchy evenings in the sack together, but likely it is a mixture of some of these:
- Stress of work/life in Japan (maybe the taihen cloud?)
- Lack of understanding, and usage of contraception, especially “the pill” (who wants to use condoms with their wife!?), making sex with your wife viable only when you want to have a baby
- Abundance of 不倫 (furin, or extra-marital) relationships
- More and more Japanese women choosing career over family
- A tendency among Japanese married couples to feel an aversion to sex with their spouse, not because they dislike one another, but rather because they feel that they have more of a sister-brother relationship; the sanctity of which would be destroyed with a repulsive incest-like feeling, by what westerners would consider normal conjugal relations
The last point is an interesting one, as in the past, it has been traditionally Japanese women who complained that they couldn’t see their hubby “as a member of the opposite sex.” But in the last few years, there’s been an exponential increase in men who can’t view their wives as sexual partners either. While it is true that many Japanese married couples seem to be sexless in nature, they key thing to remember is that this certainly does not mean that they lack the desire for sexual fulfillment. While marriage and children may bring on a sex drought in the home, Japanese people who want (and in the case of most men, need) sex do not simply abstain from sex because they cannot see the feminine qualities in their own wife, or the sexual attraction of their hard working husband.
Japanese men love their companies; they live for work, and many don’t even think it is a problem if they don’t have sex with their wives. They have pornography and the sex industry (soap lands, cabaret bars, and dial-a-girl services, and trips to Taiwan) to take care of their needs, but their wives have nowhere to go. They just suffer in silence.. or do they? The divorce rate in Japan has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, with more women blaming their sexually inactive, as opposed to sexually errant, husbands for break-ups. Though they may not be seeking sexual pleasure from their better halves, married Japanese women are seeking intimacy from other sources (many even claim to have a sex addiction), leading double lives – being the good mother, while at the same time seeking out “Leroy” the lover, who is always lurking, and ready to fulfill her every desire.
Japan is full of temptation, and it doesn’t matter whether you are a housewife or salary-man, there is plenty of raunchy action waiting out there – if that is what you desire. Furin sites to find a (extra marital) “sex friend” partner are just as rampant in Japan as in other countries, however they are much more widely used by women in Japan to solve their sexless quandaries. For the more conservative ladies, sites like mixi.jp – which are neutrally classed as “social networking” spaces – are abound with profiles (men and women) looking for partners to secretly spruce up their sexless, but otherwise happily married lives.
Many Japanese marriages may be sexless, but this is only a statistic about the state of sex within marriage itself. In fact, there may be a good reason for the sexless condition of marriages here – Are the Japanese getting enough of the good stuff outside their marriages to keep them happy? I certainly think so.
Japanese people will never be sexless as individuals; therefore Japan is not sexless, so don’t let mere statistics confuse the situation!
(If you are married in Japan, or married to a Japanese, let us know what you think of “Sexless Japan” by leaving a comment below!)
“one of the best” means that there are others that are better. satisfy your woman and your sex life will improve, period.
that doesn’t ignore the other aspects of a relationship, but if she isn’t really satified sexually there isn’t any real inducement to have sex with you is there?
Mitaboy – If that’s what you wanted to say in your post you probably could have done it without comments like:
“this is NEVER my problem! and i always laugh when i hear it from others, gaijin and japanese alike”
There may be people out there reading this who are actually in one of the relationships described in the article, and would like some intellingent discussion on the issue rather having it implied that it’s all their fault because they are $hit in the sack???
You also seem to be missing the other side of the equation when you say “if she isn’t really satified sexually there isn’t any real inducement to have sex with you”.
This is implying that women are only interested in sex for their own pleasure, and to be quite honest, is a pretty derogatory comment. Thankfully the women I know are not as shallow and superficial as yourself.
please read: “that doesn’t ignore the other aspects of a relationship” this means that there other aspects to be considered, other than sex. i’m not suggesting that it’s only sex
however when men speak of trying to or meeting women’s other “needs” in many cases a woman sexual satisfaction isn’t given enough attention.
many men have stated how they try to accommodate their lover’s or wives needs that are in no way related to sex yet their sexual desires(the men’s) are met. some men feel that sex is like a reward, it isn’t a reward. approach sex from her perspective of satisfaction and having enough sex is a non issue.
i stand by this “if she isn’t really satisfied sexually there isn’t any real inducement to have sex with you”. one’s lover or wife is not a call girl. call girls don’t need to be satisfied, one’s lover or wife should be.
like it or not, many men could care less about truly satisfying their lover or wife. i don’t happen to be one of them. their are enough statistical studies that bear out the fact that women are less pleased than men with sex. that is because many men have a selfish view of the act of sex itself.
So then mitaboy, what you’re saying then is, most Japanese women don’t care about sex because they haven’t been enlightened to it, by say someone as talented as you? Bold words….
How about the obvious problem of a lack of marital intimacy? My wife and I (both Canadian) have been floored by comments like “Why are you so close?” (when sitting, literally, about 6 inches apart on a couch and not touching each other at all) and “Japanese expect to grow apart throughout their married life.” The person who made that second statement declared it with a fair deal of pride. I couldn’t believe two things: 1) That decreased intimacy was the EXPECTED path for a marriage; 2) That this person was actually proud of this because they saw it as “the Japanese way.”
I’m not at all surprised that the porn, maid cafes, affairs, and consuming work culture make marital intimacy a challenge of Fuji-esque proportions.
With impending changes to the pension system, expect a huge increase in the divorce rate. The intimacy is already gone and soon the economic incentive for couples staying together will be removed as well.
to robert:
you are 100% correct! the key, “‘someone’ as talented as you”, the operative word being someone, not necessarily me.
there are many men like me in the world. i’m not so special. the difference being is that i’ve studied(and continue to do so) how to please women. most men haven’t studied it, i have. there’s plenty of information out there. and basically the only men that take issue with me (i’m not saying that you are one of them) are those that aren’t sure that their women, lover’s or wives are sexually satisfied most of the time. i can say mine are. my sex life has never been an issue. that is because i think of her pleasure first. women have told me this – unsolicited and i’m experienced enough with the female anatomy to know they are telling me true.
many men think by virtue of the fact that they have a penis they can satisfy a woman, how incredulous.
Mitaboy: Still, knowing how to please a women, doesn’t exactly mean that they will let you get that far. It seems that you’re thinking that knowing how to please a women down below through the use of other then the conventional penis is what will get her fired up. While always a valid point, and I wholeheartedly agree with giving more, the problem here isn’t how you satisfy the woman, but _getting_ to be able to satisfy the woman. All your tricks won’t do you any good if she’s plain not interested, doesn’t care, or as I’ve noticed in the past, doesn’t want you to go down south. Technique’s not the problem here I think, it’s being able to use that technique or not that is the problem
robert
understood and i agree.
if she isn’t into you, she isn’t into you. if she was into you, find out why and rekindle that.
Mitaboy,
Seriously – go back and read your original post. Now have a good long think about the impression people are going to get after they read it.
1) You start by putting down people who are having problems and revel in the fact that you don’t.
2) You go on to call yourself “a freight train” and “one of the best lays on earth”
3) You suggest that “girls didn’t enjoy [sex]” before meeting you.
Then in a later post you go on to suggest that the reason people take issue with you is because of their own sexual insecurities?!? Wow.
Could it be that people take issue with you because it really doesn’t sound like you are trying to give helpful advice, you just love talking about how good you are?
Maybe that’s why your girlfriend likes it so much when you go down; its the only time that she gets a few minutes of peace and quiet.
Once you filter through all the cr@p, what you are saying is fine. But it essentially boils down to “try harder to please your partner” doesn’t it?
I completely agree, but it’s hardly groundbreaking stuff, and I’m pretty sure your message could have been made without all the self gratification.
For someone you claims to be so focused on others you really do spend a lot of time talking about yourself!
flintstone:
won’t disagree with you. that being said.
most people(51%+) that are good at something express(brag about) it at sometime.
i NEVER take bragging personally. i see through it, take as a human ‘frailty'(?), question that individual if i’m interested in what he(she) is bragging about, determine where the substance may be and utilize it.
again, generally speaking men(i’m not saying that you are one of them) get tweaked when the issue of their sexual performance may be challenged. i don’t. i listen, determine what’s applicable, learn and get better.
this applies to the non-sexual aspects of my relationships too.
Mitaboy, you “listen, determine what’s applicable, learn and get better” and “this applies to the non-sexual aspects of my relationships too”? Then listen to all the applicable advice given by others here: you’re an ass, and apply it to these relationships: stop talking so you don’t look like even more of an ass.
whew!! you took it too personally. name calling. the lowest form of human communication. you’d have done better not to vent. breathe in, breathe out.
me: not affected by your rant, maybe others will be
It is the LACK of content in your posts that we take personally. We’re affected by your posturing rants. Please offer something constructive, or stop clogging the forum.
do you mean you want technical instruction?
i’ve not read any posting that has offered any solutions, if so, please point out the posting number.
if one wants technical instruction ‘google’ it
should anyone think my posts have ‘zero’ value. contact the administrator and have them deleted.
my feelings won’t be hurt in the least
No!!! Please don’t delete them!!!
I want to come back here whenever I feel down and have another good laugh!!!
Rest assured, we don’t delete any comments on stippy, as long as they are (sort of) on topic, and are not spam. By the way Mitaboy, congratulations, you are number one on Google for a search of “mitaboy”. Nice one.
and laughter might help rekindle a relationship. scientifically proven to affect one’s attitude, which may be all that the woman in one’s life needs – a change in attitude
Might I suggest we simply ignore Mitaboy?
While he made a good point, he totally blew it in the approach, and any sort of response to that and him will get you a less the satisfactory answer.
Let’s look at it as an example of what happens when your ego grows bigger then your common sense.
Like I said though, while pleasing your partner is valid point, I still think it is not the issue here. It’s not a matter of if you go down on your wife or please her or not, it seems like a majority of the people here want to love their wife and do all the dastardly things you can do with her. It’s just… well they’re not interested, and I’ve found that continued disinterest shown leads to disinterest on the male side as well, which leads to the other methods of output (gf, fuzoku, furin, sefure, etc). I reiterate, you could be the next best thing after sliced bread in the sack, but if she just don’t care, or doesn’t want anything other then the normal missionary style, regular sex, then it’s going to be hard to show her that you’re the pb&j in her sandwich.
Ahem… if anything, I’m amazed at the wide range of extremes in the country, with women who are either in to everything, or quite serious, lights off, no touching below the breasts, and amazingly shy/embarrassed about their bodies.
If anything, the one thing I wish is that Japanese women would be a little more congenial to… trimming down below, personally…not to be crude or anything, but sometimes it’s a jungle, and that’s just as much of a turn off to men to go down below as it is for women to do it for us.
Rob,
I think I can speak for everyone on this thread when I say we hear you on the jungle downstairs problem.
Its always a sticky topic to bring up with your partner, but if you have the courage to suggest that maybe trimming it back a little might help to spice things up, then the benefits can lead to much better things in the bedroom.
offer to trim your lover yourself and be sure you’re equally as well trimmed
and by the way:
the use of “dastardly”
“it seems like a majority of the people here want to love their wife and do all the ‘dastardly’ things you can do with her. It’s just… well they’re not interested,”
if one loves his wife but considers the things he does with her as ‘dastardly’, maybe his wife senses the ‘dastardliness’ of effort?
sex shouldn’t be considered a reward for good behavior.
whatever fire that kindled her interest in you sexually before(assuming it was genuine) , go back to that, rediscover that.
Mitaboy, if you hadn’t noticed, I was trying to inject a little bit of humor in the subject. As for you advice, it seems you’ve lost what footing you’ve had in giving advice with your rather brash start and then sudden turn around of taking everything serious, so perhaps it would be best if you refrained from more comments? It doesn’t seem like people are taking them very serious anymore.
read posts 65 and 67
you must be taking me seriously as you continue to respond to ME.
and quite honestly what you or anyone else thinks of ‘me’ is quite irrelevant.
you stated(post 69, great # btw) “While he made a good point,” the astute readers will catch that and get beyond the ‘tooting of my own horn’, which everyone one does i might add, maybe you’ve never done that.
but hey, i’m lovin’ the attention you’re giving me me me ME! ha hah ha because if i’ve irritated you, you are thinking creatively about your girl and i’ve done a good thing!
For those who want to know, the word for a shaved muff in Japanese is “Paipan”. I don’t know why and I haven’t been able to find any etymology on this, but there it is. Maybe just drop the word casually in conversation, perhaps when choosing peaches at the grocery store or something, and see how the wife reacts.
Oops I guess I should have done a google/wikipedia search first.
http://ja.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E3%83%91%E3%82%A4%E3%83%91%E3%83%B3
and as for the ladies, on top of being naturally feminine (with petite sexy bodies, skin that doesn’t seem to change complexion from childhood, pretty faces and silky black hair)
Pretty faces, that’s subjective.
Sorry, but you sound like A PEDOPHILE! Petite sexy bodies (??) and and skin that is liek a child… One of the top pictures of your homepage shows school girls legs… That’s just SICK. I knew the person who made this site must be a pervert… But in most countries people DONT find petite bodies to be sexy… Now, if Japanese women are SOO NATURALLY SEXY AND FEMININE, can you explain HOW IN HEAVEN their husbands cheat on them?? How come Americans have more sex in their couples??No you can’t, because you’re just a gaijin with yellow fever who fantasizes on women who look like 10 year old girls… People like you give a bad name to gaijin… You are no different from the racists who depict Japanese as one stereotype. There are many ugly Japanese women, but in your sick yellow fever mind, you don’t remark them because it is SO ingrained in your mind that Japanese women have superior beauty… Yes, Akiko Wada is a prime example of this Japanese superior feminity you speak of…
Ever notice how people who accuse others of racism are often racists themselves?
Yes Whatever:
But think about what you are saying. Liking girls with skin that is like a child does not mean that the author thinks children are sexy. This is a metaphorical way of saying that he likes young looking skin, something that girls universally strive for (or at least, should strive for..). How many (non-teenage) girls do you know that say “I wish I looked older”? None right? They ALL wished that they looked younger, and Japanese girls have perfected this art of making their fully mature bodies look prime.
By the way, the reason why Japanese guys cheat, may be described in the article and comments above. Did you read any of them?
Hmm.. Anyway, you obviously are not going to agree with me, so look, you can stick to your fat (sorry, *curvy*) American chicks (leave the yellow for the rest of us).
Cheating is the brute instinct of human being, and it’s not limited to Japan or Japanese husbands. Didn’t you notice that the wives also cheat on their husbands, the famous example might be Prince Charles and Diana..
Some of the inane comments here are really something…I can’t believe that people here were really awarded Monbusho scholarships. You all compliment Japanese women to the high heavens on their “smooth skin,” etc. and then complain when the marriage goes wrong. What did you expect??
Hi Kakui,
I too have been married to a Japanese woman for ten years. As someone pointed out your wife’s character is the mirror image of mine too!
There’s no desire to be sexually active,I’m tired of all the excuses and the inability to have any body language and to initiate sex. I can count maybe 7 times in ten years when she has been the one to make the first move on me! I have therefore pleaded with her to find out how to be romantic and how to initiate any sexual desires she may have by looking on the internet. I might get a yeah yeah which means no way! I feel stuck in loveless marriage and DO feel like a room mate!
Just tonight there was a new show “Carmen’s sexy body work out shown at 11.30pm “. At the end of it I asked her if she could remember any of the moves so we could have a relaxed atmosphere and possibly a few laughs, but once again said she couldn’t remember. When I asked her more on this she said she was too tired and that she had done my ironing today and that I should help her hang up the washing now instead of arguing!I wasn’t arguing! Merely pointing out things. Why is it that she doesn’t use the past tense to think of good memories or achievements I have done yet is good at using the past only to show me what she has done? In this marriage, I started losing my feeling of masculinity about three years ago so started feeling maybe I was wrong too show affection and that I was be expecting too much from her. Talk about a feeling of role reversal. I was quickly shown the light, when I went to Osaka universal studios, and saw many Japanese couples holding hands! Boy was I confused!! I realised that I had been brainwashed by her and that I was normal!! As someone mentioned I felt I had been starving for affection and could see it all in front of me. Granted many of these couples as my wife said weren’t married, so???
Let me just add that we have 2 great children a 7 year old and a two year old. My wife does a good job cooking and looking after them and taking them out as well as balancing helping out our company, but the problem I have realised is that the 2 year old gets all the affection and regularly wants holding and cries for mummy at night and in the morning! It dawned on me that if the 2 year old is always the center of attention then she loses respect for her 7 year old sister and for me. If I tell my wife to hug me in front of the kids she might give me a sumo king of hug and a groan but my 2 year old will RUN to hug me!!! Can’t my wife get the message? NO!
My wife used to openly criticise me in front of the kids which thankfully has stopped but she continues to sleep in the kids room. I am only in my early thirties and am often smiled at by Japanese woman when I’m on my own so why do I feel like a popular commodity which is hers but she doesn’t want to use? Does this ring a bell?
What I want is for open feelings to be shown, for my wife to stop sleeping in the kids room, and to stop being such a pessimist. When this occurs then possibly the feeling of a boring marriage will stop! But I won’t hold my breath!
Oh yes did I not mention that it’s difficult to invite friends over since my wife says she will have to clean up the place before their arrival. This sounds very Japanese!
I love my kids but have stopped wearing my wedding ring since I don’t feel so OWNED! That’s all for now,but would be happy to hear your thoughts and insights on this to help find a solution.
Al
Hi Kakui and Marvin, Seems to be a pattern emerging here? Just the same story here too… once we had kids, then all of the passion ground to a halt! 100% of the attention is to herself and the children. I don’t want all the attention, but a proportionate amount is necessary for a healthy relationship. Never (or very rarely) wants to initiate sex with me, and no longer responds to my advances (excuses, too tired, not now, Japanese are conservative…) , although took the initiative of purchasing such toys to DIY, and makes no secret of it, even asking me to assist sometimes. (this is shocking for me), but does not want to touch me. Spends up big on the beauty with facials etc, but that is normal for j-girls, and I don’t mind her looking good. …Like Marvin, my wife also has her sights set on breast implants (A to C cup), and has been seeing various cosmetic surgery centres for the past two months checking out her options. She seems a liitle worried about what people around her would think (mainly family and friends), so has been wearing seriously padded bras since she stopped breast feeding 8 months ago in order to make the transition seemless. I think that this is an unnecessary step and tried to talk her out of it. My wife won’t admit that there is a problem and at the moment I just don’t know what to do about it…, or how to set things right.
Make sure this situation doesn’t exist…
“Can you help me…I feel like I’m your slave”, she says. Words of a Japanese woman and homemaker to an American man, echoed by Japanese women to Japanese men everywhere in Japan. Whether she works outside the home or not, the Japanese woman does almost all the home-related chores, while the man, no matter what nationality, many times sits on his butt like lord and master.
In all fairness, many foreign-born men do share the housework workload, and Japanese men are slowly coming around, but the vast majority of women still have two jobs: company and home.
Among the items on her lengthy to-do list of household tasks is ‘sex with the husband’. In Japan it’s stereotypically considered one of those things that’s just part of a relationship, whether she’s sexually satisfied or not. Because his salary enables her to buy the brand bags and shoes, puts a roof over her head and food on the table, that is if she wants to get married. Sex in such a situation is nothing more than a mechanical act. Can you imagine a man having to perform such a ‘chore’ with little to no sexual satisfaction?
So, if she doesn’t seem interested or says she’s too tired try lightening her workload.
Good points mitaboy, Ah, I wish I could attribute the characteristics I described to your scenario…Unfortunately I can’t. My wife quit her work upon getting married 7 years ago, and has no intention of going back to work. She’s not overworked on housework as we have a maid (no – not akiba type maid 😉 , but domestic assistance style maid to wash, iron, clean bathroom, vacuum the house etc.) twice a week. My wife likes to socialise with other Japanese girlfriends about twice a week at downtown (uptown) cafes as well as meet the “mothers club” at the park weekly. Surely her life is not too stressful?
mike,
sounds like she has a life better than most japanese women! she may be the envy of some.
i’ll say something, it may seem brutal, please, it isn’t meant to be. think back and assess those times that ‘you’ thought sex was good, do you think she was really interested in sex or driven by something else? she does seem to have a good life.
assuming that you still find her attractive, the only thing that i might suggest is to rediscover what it was about you that made you sexually desirable.
some people say that japanese women are sexual enjoy sex until after they have children then a ‘switch’ goes off in their head. personally i haven’t found many japanese women to be sexual. though they can be trained to be sexual to some degree.
Let me start by saying great thread and great responses! I happen to agree with mitaboy on the goal of pleasuring a woman first as you main goal (with the corrollary that she should in turn want to please you!).
Ok, so I came across this thread/post/blog because I am new to the Japanese dating game and am having the same issues with the girl not being interested in sex as lots of others here are. I’m looking for answers but so far the general consensus seems to be that if I have such a girl, it is best not to take it too much further since if it’s bad now, it’s guaranteed to get 100 times worse if I ever decide to tie the knot.
I’m relieved to know I’m not the only one with these issues, anyway! What I am going to do (aside from trying a few suggestions out like cosplay etc, gently suggested to her) is actually discuss this thread with her (or attempt to – her english is ok but nowhere near the level required to understand this stuff fully) to show her that we have a common problem and aren’t unique in any way. Communication is always important and if she maybe understands that the issue is at least partly cultural then it may help. It may not, but if that turns out to be the case then I sadly may have to look elsewhere (at least she’s girlfriend only and not a wife like some here!). I really like her personality but as some have pointed out, it’s sex that gives a relationship its uniqueness – if you aren’t hving sex then really it’s no different to just being good friends, and that is NOT something I’m going to give a bigger commitment like marriage to.
Anyway, awesome thread and it’s helped a lot, so thanks for everyone’s input!
You guys may have seen this already but last week I wrote an article about pre-marital counseling in Japan.
link here
Everyone who we spoke to made it very clear that counseling shouldn’t be seen as a one-off thing. It is an investment in your marriage that should be done regularly. Even people with strong relationships revisit their counselors once every few years – hey, that is why they have strong relationships.
In the West I think pre-marital counseling is easier to bring up than post-marital as it is more widely accepted and a lot of people do it. I’m sure I’m preaching to the converted when I say that it isn’t the case in Japan and it took a lot of guts to suggest the topic to my fiance. I think it’s easy to interpret it negatively (like a free chance of testing your fiance before you make the huge plunge). The great thing about post-martial counseling is that it is much harder to interpret it as an escape/insurance policy – it is all about positive energy… it’s supposed to be anyway…
Since the majority of contributors to this article are foreign MEN, I think there are several HUGE things that people are overlooking.
The main thing is that people are simply looking at sex DURING marriage, not the nature of sex and relationships before marriage, and the nature of relationships in general, sexual or not. I think the Minister of Health should look very closely at what people’s values, ideas, priorities, and desires are BEFORE they get married instead of just going, “OMG WHY AREN’T MARRIED PEOPLE HAVING SEX?!” Instead of starting early and trying to encourage more meaningful, emotional relationships before marriage, they’re waiting till the marriage happens, then going, “Well….stop going to the hostess bar and screw your wife more often.” That is just putting a huge glob of concealor over a cold sore.
Also, again since the majority of the contributors to this article of MEN, people are so disgustingly ready and willing to attack Japanese men’s sexuality, but somehow praise Japanese women’s sexuality. Well, it takes two to tango, so let’s look at both seriously. As this article mentions, ANYTHING sexual is ok to talk about and do….UNTIL you get married. I think THIS is where the problem lies. The passivity of the women here is at least as big a factor as the passivity of the men, if not more. If men hear, “Yes,” to everything sexual, they’re going to get all their kinks satisfied within a month. So who could expect the men to be interested after even a year? Women everywhere else in the world know that saying, “No,” is part of the game. It’s also a way to get things your way, so why haven’t the Japanese figured this out yet?
A lot of women are relieved NOT to have sex because, before marriage, many of them see doing any and every sexual act that a man could possibly want as a way to bait men into marriage. It’s no secret that women here have an almost unnatural obsession with marriage, particularly that it be done BEFORE the age of 30, so they’re willing to do anything to become married. Once they get the marriage (and if they want, get the baby) and the Disney princess fantasy is fulfilled, they feel like they’ve got it all. So who needs sex, or who even needs to use sex to get what you want when everything you want is already there?
Thanks Katie, we really needed some female input in this thread. I’d never thought of it that way. Damn Christmas cake culture!
Don’t women like sex too? I have heard from several women that they “want it just as much as guys do”. I can understand that sex outlives its purpose once Daddy and Mommy get married and have their 2.5 kids (or 1.5 in Japan I guess) but why would there be such a resistance to one of life’s greatest pleasures?
well i will say sex something that is needed in a relationship. it bonds the partners together physically and spiritually. IM not like real religious or anything but since i started makign love to my girlfriend whom i am now engaged to, i could sleep whenever i like. but now i cannot sleep and when i finnaly do it within minutes of the exact time she fell asleep or grew tierd. recently i have felt her feeling even when not around, i can playing a game or hanging out with friends and bam im pissed as hell for no reason. come to find out my gfs parents are either being childish and pissing her off for no reason ( which they do alot) or are trying to make her get rid of me. They hate me for 3 reasons. 1 they feel i spoil her way to much. 2 they call me controlling when all i ask is to know who she hangs our with and when so i know she is safe and dont come over to see her while she is out. i did state i wouldnt mind meeting friends of hers so i can feel safer about her being out with them but im not demanding it. ( personally i dont consider any of that controlling when she demands to know who when where how long why and usually to go with me)
and 3rd i got her pregnant 5 months ago and the baby was aborted due to medical problems. she wasnt healthy enough to have the baby. underweight and not very well nourished. ( and yes it is her choice to be skinny and she isnt anorexic either) but i stuck with her through it all beside her as much as i could. they let her mom back with her for the surgery and the mom said she didnt even want me in the buidling.
with her parents hating me, the pregnancy, and everyone that is against us. i still love my gf we still have sex, not because i make her or she makes me but because we want to. we have went 2 weeks currently do to lack of place and time, she still lives with her parents and i lack truly personal space. we have a great relationship and if not for her parents would be a couple that has little to no problems.
ok now that ive said enough about my relationship i woudl like to ask why the heck is the security word GAIJIN, i am no outsider and that is just plain wrong. i request that is changed to something, anything. for most that may just be another word but i know what it means and to me thats offensive…
Kietsu, I tried really hard to understand what you are trying to tell us… Im sorry, I just don’t get it. Are you Japanese? If so, could you explain to us what you are trying to say in Japanese if it is easier? I’m not making fun of you, just curious.
I am an A.A. female in NYC who has sex with my Japanese fiance almost every night. If we miss a night, we play catch up. On days off we put in overtime. We find each other sexually attractive and have never had a decline in sexual prowess. I don’t know, doesn’t anyone still watch porn?
-The reason gaijin is a security word is because this post has a pattern. Its called using japanese words as security words. regardless of how offended you may be gaijin is a japanese word. Don’t feel bad though, I got osaka… I mean come on… Osaka? That’s bullshit.. (why didn’t I get gaijin?)…
Yeah, I have to agree that mitaboy was getting a bit out of line. Our problem has not been that she doesn’t get satisfied in bed. I have always done everything I can to make sure each time we’re together that my wife reaches the best orgasm possible. The problem is that no matter what communication approach I try, no matter what I do to and for her, no matter how hard she cums, she does little to nothing in return. Often, I have to take her hand and move it on to me. Even then, she often does nothing. She REALLY loves when I go down on her. Since it turns her on so much, early on in our relationship we established a pattern of me doing that nearly every time we have sex. I long thought that the more I ensured that the sex was really good for her, the more likely that she would begin to reciprocate and that she would sometimes initiate sex — that she would become less uptight about sex. My searching the internet for advice is an act of desperation after trying every everything I could think of. I long, long ago dedicated myself to pleasing her, but that just hasn’t seemed to work.
That said, there have been a couple signs of improvement over the past few weeks. Unfortunately, they only involve her letting me do certain things to her, but they are signs that she could finally be getting less uptight. For first time ever (in over 14 years together!), she let me enter her from behind. Previously, she had always stopped me, sometimes saying that it hurt, that she just didn’t like that, or – most often – giving no reason whatsoever. Why it happened this time, I’m not sure, but she REALLY seemed to enjoy it. (Two days later, she fell outside and hurt her knee, which made it impossible to try that again soon. What luck, eh?!) The other thing she let me do was enter a certain previously “forbidden” place (I’m not sure how explicit we can be here – I’ll just hope you can guess what I mean.) with my finger while I was going down on her. She REALLY got into that too! Then, last weekend, she let me try that with my . . . my uh . . . other appendage. (What are the rules for this board? I can’t find them!) I couldn’t get far in before she stopped me, but she really enjoyed it at first. I think I pushed it to the limit that time (I mean that figuratively in this sentence, but I guess it works literally too!), but I’m confident that I didn’t go so far that she would react against such openness next time. Since she continues to express herself so indirectly, I’m never totally sure about what she thinks, but our conversation afterwards seemed to make it clear that she liked it and may want to try again.
Why the change? Well, I’ve redoubled my efforts to take care of the kids and housework. I’ve also tried to be careful to catch myself whenever I start to interpret what she says or does (or doesn’t say or do) as a rejection. After so many years of feeling hurt again and again, that’s not easy, but I could see that my building anger and resentment were not about to help lead toward a solution – quite the contrary, in fact.
I am, however, very wary. This is not the first time there seemed to be signs of thawing. Previously, as soon as I became convinced that we had finally embarked on the path to a closer, more intimate relationship, she started shying away from me and getting very tense. We ended up back in the same place. Right now, I’m asking myself if a major cause of that has been me. Perhaps I have too easily slipped back into bad habits of being lazy around the house as soon as things started to improve. I’m not sure if that’s true, but there’s a real chance that it could be so I’d better be on my guard to make sure that my changes stick.
I still don’t like the fact that the signs of improvement I mentioned involve me doing things to her and that she still sees doing anything sexual together as something to do not more than once a week, but there is some reason for hope. Besides, my complaints are not just about what we do in bed, but the general lack of intimacy and affections. As I said, I just need to be careful to keep working on myself – on how I react to any perceived slights against me and on sharing the burden of our household.
a point to be considered is that if one’s sex life wasn’t what was wanted before marriage then it is unlikely(though possible) that it will change significantly after marriage.
also see post 90. sex has alsways been a tool to hook men, no matter what the culture. and the japanese woman is no different in that regard. a japanese woman’s role changes after childbirth. that’s culture. it’s not likely to change just because she’s married to a non-japanese man.
bear in mind that many japanese women just aren’t as sexual as western women. they can’t be faulted for that, just consider how their own culture objectifies them. japanese women may perhaps ‘be taught’ the how to enjoy sex and initiate, but you’re fighting culture to some degree. this must be realized and dealt with patiently.
You make some good points, mitaboy. I’ve long recognized the fact that her attitude is rooted in culture and I’ve therefore been very patient. Of course, a cultural basis for something does not make it good, does not make it healthy , or right. It certainly makes it damn hard to change though! I have been patient . . . 14 years! But with 4 kids in that time period, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that we haven’t been able to make much progress. I feel very frustrated at times, but I am feeling hopeful. I know that I can’t expect her to attempt to change something so deeply rooted if I’m not trying to improve myself as a husband (and a father). Yes, I’m glad for the chance to come to this board and blow off some steam – much of it justified, I believe – but I should not deny that there’s still a lot about my own sorry ass that I’ve got to work on! I hope I can do it because I really, really love my wife.
perceptions of ‘right’ and ‘logical’ should be tempered from the perspective of how the other person views it. the best way to have someone see one’s perspective is to have that person “see what’s in it for me”. this may be difficult to do when a problem isn’t perceived.
from a sexual viewpont, bear in mind just as in other aspects of life people like different things to varying degrees. doesn’t make that individual wrong or better, just different. and the fact is, no matter what culture, women will always be different from men and engage in sex for different reasons. doesn’t make them wrong – just different.
as men realize that change begins by looking in the mirror, life does get better.
Kakui,
I feel your pain, brother! Getting your sex life back should be high on your priority list. This is for your sake and your wife’s sake. She may not know it, but by not having sex with you she is denying herself too. Women never lose their desire for sex (my grandma tells me all about it), they just get distracted with kids and other shit that makes their life seem so busy. Just like investment bankers, working 16 hour days and never taking care of their physical needs.
I suggest solving your sexual dilemma in an amusing way. Whatever you do, don’t get too serious about it. The moment she feels compelled to do anything, game over. Be a Don Juan, sweep her off her feet, go over the top in setting the mood. Buy a red-colored light for your bedroom. When she asks why, just grin and turn off the main lights.
Back when I was a 20-year old virgin, my friend gave me the best advice. “How can I get laid?” “Just whip it out” he said. “Put it in her hand and ask her some silly question like “Do you think it’s big?” This may sound like the worst advice you ever heard… well, I did not make it to 21-year old virgin. Sometimes the crazy, off-the-wall approach works!
Anyway, I should note that I am still not married (though close) and I have no kids, so this may affect my understanding of your situation, but I just wanted to help in some way. Shed some new light on the subject. Best of luck! If all else fails, seek counseling!
Since when is a “feminine” and “sexy” figure one with no tits and no ass?