With maid cafes where pretty young girls that ooze submissiveness to their “masters”, and “shuccho health” (出張ヘルス, basically, dial-a-prostitute) and soap-lands (sensual bathing houses with soapy special service) to vending machines for porn, and specialty shops with used high school girl underwear; Japan, at least on the surface appears one of the most sexually proactive nations in the world. Japanese men are as perverted (if not more perverted) than those in other countries, and as for the ladies, on top of being naturally feminine (with petite sexy bodies, skin that doesn’t seem to change complexion from childhood, pretty faces and silky black hair), the women of Japan have no misconceptions about what style – clothes, perfume and make up – makes a man stop in his tracks, and rouse that tingle in his loins.
When interacting with others, sex and everything surrounding it is fair game for a topic of conversation in Japan and, it is certainly not frowned upon by religious groups or society at large as it is in the USA and other countries. When it comes to secreting sexual hormones and sexuality in general, almost nothing is taboo in Japan – until that is, the day one gets married, or so it seems. Indeed in stark sexual contrast, Japan may be suffering from a sexual drought, where being totally open about sex and being sexy in general, doesn’t seem to be converted into the ins-and-outs of baby making when it comes to married couples.
Shown in these statistics, a recent survey by Japan’s health ministry found that as many as one-third of all marriages in Japan are sexless. The problem is now so widespread that the government fears it is a major contributor to the dramatic plunge in Japan’s birthrate (now only 1.28 births per woman). This sexless phenomenon is not only found in those relationships that are plunging down the drain toward divorce, but to the contrary, more and more couples that consider themselves healthily married (and have no intention of separating), have not had sex with each other in the last month or more (the common definition of “sexless” in Japan), with many saying that they have not had sex together in the last 6 months to one year.
According to the most recent survey of 41 nations last October, the average Japanese has intercourse 45 (and according to Bayer Pharmaceuticals as low as 17) times a year, compared with the global average of 103. Japan is repeatedly at the bottom of the list. Last year it trailed Singapore, which was 28 shags a year higher!
The term “sexless”, was first used in Japan in the early 1990s, but now is instantly recognizable to the Japanese as a universally understood concept, and widely discussed in the media. There are books on the subject and thousands websites and heartbreaking blogs discussing sexless Japan, while letters on the subject fill agony columns on “dear doctor”-type sites.
One in five sexless couples say they view sex simply as a nuisance. A small number cite the lack of a private space, because children or elderly parents often sleep just the other side of a paper-thin door, leading many married couples to even sleep in separate rooms. Mitsui Home announced recently in an Asahi Newspaper article, that in 30% of the new houses they build, the couples are asking for 2 “master” bedrooms. This is a shocking statistic, which shows that sexless couples want to continue living their lives together – separately! “We are sort of room-mates rather than a married couple”, one 31-year-old man, who had not had sex with his wife for two years, told the Asahi Shinbun.
There are many other theories about why the Japanese become less inclined to raunchy evenings in the sack together, but likely it is a mixture of some of these:
- Stress of work/life in Japan (maybe the taihen cloud?)
- Lack of understanding, and usage of contraception, especially “the pill” (who wants to use condoms with their wife!?), making sex with your wife viable only when you want to have a baby
- Abundance of 不倫 (furin, or extra-marital) relationships
- More and more Japanese women choosing career over family
- A tendency among Japanese married couples to feel an aversion to sex with their spouse, not because they dislike one another, but rather because they feel that they have more of a sister-brother relationship; the sanctity of which would be destroyed with a repulsive incest-like feeling, by what westerners would consider normal conjugal relations
The last point is an interesting one, as in the past, it has been traditionally Japanese women who complained that they couldn’t see their hubby “as a member of the opposite sex.” But in the last few years, there’s been an exponential increase in men who can’t view their wives as sexual partners either. While it is true that many Japanese married couples seem to be sexless in nature, they key thing to remember is that this certainly does not mean that they lack the desire for sexual fulfillment. While marriage and children may bring on a sex drought in the home, Japanese people who want (and in the case of most men, need) sex do not simply abstain from sex because they cannot see the feminine qualities in their own wife, or the sexual attraction of their hard working husband.
Japanese men love their companies; they live for work, and many don’t even think it is a problem if they don’t have sex with their wives. They have pornography and the sex industry (soap lands, cabaret bars, and dial-a-girl services, and trips to Taiwan) to take care of their needs, but their wives have nowhere to go. They just suffer in silence.. or do they? The divorce rate in Japan has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, with more women blaming their sexually inactive, as opposed to sexually errant, husbands for break-ups. Though they may not be seeking sexual pleasure from their better halves, married Japanese women are seeking intimacy from other sources (many even claim to have a sex addiction), leading double lives – being the good mother, while at the same time seeking out “Leroy” the lover, who is always lurking, and ready to fulfill her every desire.
Japan is full of temptation, and it doesn’t matter whether you are a housewife or salary-man, there is plenty of raunchy action waiting out there – if that is what you desire. Furin sites to find a (extra marital) “sex friend” partner are just as rampant in Japan as in other countries, however they are much more widely used by women in Japan to solve their sexless quandaries. For the more conservative ladies, sites like mixi.jp – which are neutrally classed as “social networking” spaces – are abound with profiles (men and women) looking for partners to secretly spruce up their sexless, but otherwise happily married lives.
Many Japanese marriages may be sexless, but this is only a statistic about the state of sex within marriage itself. In fact, there may be a good reason for the sexless condition of marriages here – Are the Japanese getting enough of the good stuff outside their marriages to keep them happy? I certainly think so.
Japanese people will never be sexless as individuals; therefore Japan is not sexless, so don’t let mere statistics confuse the situation!
(If you are married in Japan, or married to a Japanese, let us know what you think of “Sexless Japan” by leaving a comment below!)
Hi Timmy,
Glad all is well with you and that you are still dating.
I have to agree with Ali about the races. Its human beings that always try to put one race above another [better than or worse than]. People can not accept the differences without assigning a grade. It is better is races stayed together and cultures were allowed to grow distinct and separate. Pure colors makes for wonderful paintings. I remember when I just got married and we met an older Japanese man in a restaurant, he was obviously dismayed at seeing a Japanese female with a Gaijin. I actually didn’t blame him at the time and still don’t. Its better for people of the same race to have children together.
Am a gaijin. Am married. It was rotten almost sexless for about ten years until I decided to get over myself and get a girlfriend. Now me and my girlfriend get intimate all the time while my other sexless life goes on undisturbed.
Get out
Get some
For all those guys who said in their posts. ” I haven’t been lucky yet” read
“the Game”
I was pressured into having a child. I do not regret having a child, but I definitely regret having it with her. We moved to Japan and she became a cold btch. I moved out and now I see my son once a week.
I care more about my son more than my own life. There are nights when I regret leaving. Not because I miss anything about my wife. I am very happy not to be around that cancer all the time. But I miss my son. Sometimes I think maybe I should go back so I can see him every day. However, my wife didn’t care about me and I was starting to hate her. Our son would figure that out in a couple years and I don’t want him to live with parents who hate each other, caught in the middle of a cold war.
Now I have a non-Japanese girlfriend who is great. My job at a Japanese company is extremely stressful. I am making friends in Japan. I miss my son terribly. Life goes from unbelievably great one day and I can’t believe how lucky I am to almost unbearably horrible the next day.
“It feels like Japanese chicks treat the wedding day as the culmination of their efforts and only go downhill from there on.”
I would agree to that. That’s also the impression I got from not only my marriage, but also from the meanwhile 30+ JP-girls I’ve dated since January because I always asked them how they see married life and some other blabla.
After the wedding is over, any kind of effort is not needed any more because the wedding (still, most girls are obsessed here with it) is over, it’s just mendokusai to take care of your spouse.
Again, most (if I’m remembering correctly just one said something different) of the girls I met; don’t believe that life after marriage can be funny. Something I never would be able to accept. Seems that this is their socialization regarding married life.
So, I’m also convinced that stefhen’s “…i will have to de-socialize and re-socialize her, which would include getting her to think critically…” provides us a key finding.
If you fail in providing her with an understanding of your points what a working marriage is it’s highly probable to end up in this f**ed situation.
On the other hand, it’s never too late to change things. Just stand your points and don’t let confuse you by the kawaii game. In my opinion, you’re sound and act very convincing if you have not just one, but several girlfriends (or this kind of casual f***buddies , which are quite common in JP) around.
And that in the end, you’re ready to leave if she’s not gonna listen. I tried to apply that and she finally listened. It was actually quite easy to do so, because there was a period when I really haven’t given a sh** if she leaves or not.
For example, one year ago, I also felt pressured into having a kid with my wife as she is approaching her 30’s, the evil age for Japanese women. But now, I just said, I don’t want kids for at least five years (and she knows that I’m god damn serious about that) she accepted and finally she is taking her life in her own hands and is pursuing her job (even though it’s not an easy way) she initially learned years ago.
Now, I’m just very direct with her, and if she is starting to do this childish arguing, I just cut it off with a mental “take it or leave”.
Result (something over two months and ongoing): She is now into me like never before in our marriage, she started again sending me text messages from time to time and so on. Our sex life has got a rebirth and now rose to an average of three times a week. What a contrast to some time ago, where it was really hard to seduce her just once a week.
When I’m now talking with her she is clearly more optimistic about her life and finally she is doing something she likes in her life.
From that point, I’m really glad that I could finally decide to go out and excessively pick up girls.
But well, I’m still some kind of skeptic and don’t know if I can really trust that new peace. But we’ll see.
@IeanBack
Thats great that you finally have things going your way. Don’t back down and give in no matter how hard she tries to soften you up. Keep that “I don’t give a sh*t” attitude and have your cake and eat it too. As I know you are well aware, this is the only way to have a relationship with a Japanese female. They are not happy unless they are miserable and they are miserable if you try to make them happy. Treating them like crap is the only way.
Thanx coconut! I’m very happy about it. Especially as I’m aware that I won’t allow those days to repeat.
“They are not happy unless they are miserable and they are miserable if you try to make them happy” Seems to be very true.
When I married, I certainly never imagined that I have to treat my wife like I do now.
But if you don’t treat them bad, they will treat you bad.
Somehow they confuse nice behavior with weakness.
As I just met a gaijin friend with his JP wife and their kid, I truly have to admit to the following. If you let your JP wife decide anything, you will be f*** in the arshhole….
(For example, he asked for her permission if he can have an evening beer with me, but of course she did not let him go…)
As far as the relationship with the own kids is concerned, I would like to add this, as no one mentioned that so far:
The martial situation of my parents was very similar to the situation we were writing here about (both are as ethical identical as one could imagine).
This means, during my childhood I almost had no contact with my dad. It lasted like that until I became legally an adult. When my dad and me started to meet those days, we were like strangers.
But since then, things improved and I now have a good relationship with my dad and also with the rest of his family (grandparents).
Long story short: I really can now understand his points and I don’t blame any of my parents for the things they have done.
And I ever face a similar situation, I will do the same.
I just want to make things clear for anyone reading this forum.
Speaking for myself and probably for a lot of other men here, this dissatisfaction with Japanese women is not all about sex. Its about the relationship. Surely sex is an important part of any relationship but what lacking more than anything is Love, plain and simple. Without that their can be no sex, there can be no relationship, there can be no growth. Which is why many men here advise that relationships with Japanese women is bound to fail.
If you look at the responses here from the many men who posted details about their relationship, one word might come to mind….hate. It really appears that deep down Japanese women hate men, not just foreign men but all men. Hate is the only thing that can describe the motivation behind being so cold and callous towards men who what to make a relationship work. After nearly 10 years of marriage I can make this assumption with reasonable accuracy. After nearly 10 years I can say with certainty that my Japanese wife at the least, dislikes me and most probably hates me. Not for any particular reason. I’ve questioned her about this and with some introspection she came to the realization that her actions over the years was of unfounded hatred. She tried for some time to change her actions, but I could clearly see her struggle to change her nature. And of course at times the evil bitch reared its ugly head. In her mind she enjoys trying to make me miserable, I say trying because she has no effect anymore. Being disconnected from her I observe her like a clinician observed someone clinically insane. I use the word insane purposely because that is what best describes her actions.
Again I warn any man of any race to stay away from Japanese women.
@Coconut
I had a very similar conversation with my wife. I told her it is obvious from her actions that she does not care about me. I said it looks like she hates me, since she talks to me with a sneer on her face all the time.
She got so much worse after we moved to Japan. In America, she had to worry about sharing everything if we divorced. Also, she was away from the stifling Japanese social system. Once here, the monster inside came out. Many people here are cruel and hateful, so it is not a problem unique to her.
I left. I miss my son terribly but not my soulless, controlling, selfish bitch wife.
@coconut
“anything is Love, plain and simple”
Unfortunately, I had to agree with that. For me the lack of sex was just the point where the whole started to get really annoying for me. But you’re right; the problem is not just about sex, it’s about the whole concept of a working relationship.
“It really appears that deep down Japanese women hate men, not just foreign men but all men”
Very interesting thought. I never ponded that to that consequence as I refused (and still have trouble to accept it now) to think this, but evidences that this is true to some extent are here and there! It’s very annoying. I experienced it as well and by observing the interaction between the married couples of the huge family of my wife, it really looks sometimes as they hate each other or at best just don’t give a damn sh*** about each other.
But given the fact women in Japan have no power at all, are not attributed any skills other than being f**, are suppressed all the time, experience sexual harassment and can’t do nothing about it, one should really not wonder they hate men and are very cold towards them, once they have acquired the security or this “big big aim a.k.a. obsession” of being married.
Some girls I met expressed their disgust about Japanese men to me. Maybe some hate western males less than Japanese males, but that won’t help anything, because once you’re married, you are doomed, because then they will reveal their true face to you.
I’m now already disconnected to a large extent from my wife since a while. It helps, because she can’t make me miserable any more.
“She tried for some time to change her actions, but I could clearly see her struggle to change her nature. And of course at times the evil bitch reared its ugly head”
That is the stage I’m now into with my wife.
Recent story:
Another thing which was on recently is that I heard my wife talking to her Japanese female friend about how different the marriage with a foreigner is. Long story short: She just stated out differences which she has to do with me (and what would be different than staying with a JP dude). And that I’m expecting a lot.
She said that in front of me. But the best thing is she had little idea that I’m now able to catch these things in Japanese (she has no idea how my level is).
Means to me, she always knew about the whole Japanese marriage role mess and blabla from the beginning and how it is supposed to be in her Japanese way. Instead to me she always was saying that she has no idea, does not know anything, was surprised and so on…
It’s just a fool play. I’m convinced they all know the things we’re complaining. What are you thinking about that, do you think they know that from the beginning?
@Way_Down_South
I’m sure there is a chance to catch up with your son when he is an adult! Leaving is by far the better option than being destroyed by her. From the information I got, if I was you, I would have done the same.
“It really appears that deep down Japanese women hate men, not just foreign men but all men. Hate is the only thing that can describe the motivation behind being so cold and callous towards men who what to make a relationship work.”
Coconut:
Indifference and not hate would describe how my wife feels about me. As a whole she does not hate me. I kind of think she feels toward me like a sister would feel toward her brother, so I feel that is why she is indifferent about my need for sex. In reality we do get along OK together and we can enjoy each others company.
My wife and I are in our early 50’s and I maybe a little older than the others that post here. Could there have been a change in the culture among Japanese woman, and to the extent that younger Japanese women now hate men?
Timmy
Hi Timmy,
I don’t know if its wide spread among Japanese women….hating men. Me and my wife are in our mid 40’s and when she talks about the “customary” Japanese relationship, it is with disgust and resentment. For this reason she would never date and/or even consider marrying a Japanese man. In many ways the traditional Japanese marriage consisted of the wife being the slave of sorts to the husband while the husband totally ignored her, ate his dinner and when to bed without a single word. She was shocked, absolutely shocked the day I made her coffee. To her it was a giant WOW, to me it was like, whats the big deal. She also talks in disgust about how Japanese men never carry things for women, open doors, or do any of the “normal” American niceties for women. Not even as much as a Thank You. She has two brothers, whom she pretty much hates and never speaks too as well. Perhaps its just her and I am unfairly lumping all Japanese women into a category. Obviously she has had some trauma in her life.
I’m around 30. From the girls I met, two talked to me very openly about how they hate this traditional system and why they can’t be in a typical Japanese relationship. One said once out loud in public that she hates Japanese men.
I have to say that I all the girls I met belong to the parasite single type, those who are working a sometimes shi*** job and living at home and who are not interested in marrying.
From my wife, I never got the impression that she hates men BEFORE we married.
But after marriage, I sometimes got the impression she is hating me for everything which fu*** up her life, even though it was not my fault at all (things before we met, because she is a girl and so on)
I stated that once and she was thinking in a really traditional Japanese marriage style.
My conclusion, I’m wondering if you agree with that point?
Those girls I met seemed to hate Japanese men to some extent, because the quite traditional system which their parents are living disgust them. This makes them very available for foreign men at one hand, as it seems to be more Hollywood like at first.
But once you are married, you’re trapped in the Japanese system and she is thinking of you as she would think of a Japanese husband and thus, from this time on you are supposed to take her hate toward men and the women suppressing system.
And another point, a lot of girls believe that marriage is NO fun at all and that it has to be boring (so does my wife, she said it once because she is married she is not supposed to have fun anymore or to feel the teenage like easiness)
You get indifference at best, hate at worst
So basically, after reading pretty much all of these comments, I’m getting the impression that marrying a Japanese woman and starting a family has about a 95% chance of being completely miserable. Am I correct in thinking that? Almost nothing in these comments has been positive and when it is, it usually only seems to be a lackluster, hoping for the best kind of positive.
Is it possible that this kind of article is just making people with similar bad marriages all kind of coalesce in one place and skew the perspective somewhat? Could it be that there are legions of happily married foreigners to Japanese women out there living happy lives with their families that we’re just not hearing about here? Or are marriages between foreigners and Japanese women just basically doomed to fail the majority of the time? Just curious…
@Kirk
You said…..”Is it possible that this kind of article is just making people with similar bad marriages all kind of coalesce in one place and skew the perspective somewhat? ”
It very well could be, you know misery loves company right. However just to be far and honest, from my perspective I am not only talking about my marriage but every single Japanese marriage I have seen over the course of 10 years. Which has been many, many, many J-marriages. They all have the same theme which has been reflected here. With that said I would say you have not a 95% chance at a doomed marriage but more like a 98% chance.
Its one thing you have to consider. The Japanese are not like Westerners, being different is not a good quality, so finding people who are outside the norm is very unlikely. In fact the word for ‘wrong’ and ‘different’ are the same ‘chigau’….this should give you a clue as to how likely of a chance you will find a different minded J-woman. The mindset is cultural.
But then, you can always take your chances……..:-). Feeling Lucky?
@Coconut
Those are good points. This blog only attracts those whom are unhappily married to Japanese, so it’s a bad sample to go on, and therefore I wouldn’t say 95 or 98%. But if you want intimacy throughout the course of your marriage, then don’t risk marrying a Japanese… especially if you are going to live in Japan.
@Kirk
Japanese women are so skilled at courting males that it’s almost impossible to believe that things would change after marriage and kids, but it surely does… Don’t fall into that trap… Date them, have sex with them, but don’t marry them unless you don’t mind an emotionally and intellectually detached relationship.
So a Japanese woman will appear to be excellent and look like she’s different from all the horror stories that you guys are warning about, but will almost certainly change her stripes once the marriage and kids happen? So basically, it’s impossible to tell if you have a good potential mate in Japan or not? So, if I’m a guy who is just looking for a good girl to have a relationship with (and possibly settle down and get married), not just date and have sex with lots of girls- Japan is the wrong place to be? It’s a little disheartening because I was planning to move to Japan in a couple of years because I love the culture and atmosphere there. Now, with all that I’m reading, meeting a girl and getting serious with her would be one of the worst things I could possibly do there. It’s kind of a depressing realization if it’s as bad as everyone says it is…
@Kirk,
Go ahead and get serious but be careful. Japanese women, even those who love gaijin, have been conditioned to expect a different kind of marriage than you have. Yes, they may say they could never marry a Japanese man but the day will come when they wish they had.
@Kirk
The simple answer is yes… The problem is that most Japanese go into marriage believing they want a loving relationship with their husbands, one that will be the primary bond in their life. But then they marry, have kids, real life issues emerge, and their cultural and peer surroundings influence them so greatly that they quickly meld into the above scenario forgetting their original, idealistic dreams they saw on TV or in the movies… Heed @kayumochi’s advice!
Some friends of mine living in Japan (a mixed race couple) introduced me to one of their friends a few months ago and we’ve been emailing a little bit back and forth. We met not too long ago on a trip to Japan as well. Just met, hung out, nothing crazy. I’m not an instant hook-up kinda guy and she doesn’t seem to be an instant hook-up kinda girl. They tell me that she’s a super nice, honest, good girl. I don’t get the impression that she’s looking for a foreign boyfriend particularly, but she wouldn’t be opposed to it either. She’s lived outside of Japan for a couple of years after she finished college so she’s had some exposure to non-Japanese life too. She runs her own company so she doesn’t seem to be the kind who’s just looking for a meal ticket either. Everything seems pretty nice so far- especially getting a recommendation from friends. That instantly ups the trust-factor considerably. I was excited about the prospect of getting to know her more and seeing what could happen. Now… for the last few days, I’ve spent many depressing hours reading all of these comments. With everything I’m reading here, it sounds like I should just disappear, never speak to her again and thank my lucky stars that I got out before anything happened. Is that about the gist of it?
@Kirk
I was in your shoes too about 10 years ago. I met a super nice Japanese girl who pretty much did everything right. She was proper, polite, honest, very sweet and shy. She cooked and cleaned without question and of course me being American I helped out as just about any American male would. All of her friends also thought she was super nice and of course polite. I got my first clue when she confessed to me that her friends all ‘think’ she is very polite but really don’t know her “like I do”…..this was my clue and I should have ran!!! But instead being stupid and slowly falling in love I took it as, she trusts me and feels like she can really open up to me more than anyone. Boy was I right in that respect. Slowly but surely the Devil reared its ugly head and before I knew it I had hooked up with the evilest woman I have ever known, I mean evil down to the bone. Totally heartless. And still to this day her now American coworkers all think she is the sweetest Angel that ever walked the Earth.
Kirk, like I said, I have know and still do know many many Japanese men and women. Let me tell you that nobody knows a Japanese person like their family….not friends, not coworkers, nobody. I know super polite [outwardly] Japanese women that cheat on their husbands on a daily basis and you would swear they were are pure as Mother Teresa.
If you are of the age and mindset to fall in love, I would advise you to move on before love takes hold and you lose the ability to make good judgments. You have been warned, and warned again….please listen.
Just for kicks I will let you in on a clever trick some J-women use to see if they have a good fish on the line.
They of course play super shy and polite, they will also always be kind of closed off, not totally open with their feelings etc. Then out of now where they will do a 180 and stop calling, stop communicating etc. In their minds the weak fish is the one who pursues, the one who tries to maintain contact. This is your first sign of weakness, now they know you are weak….the manipulative fangs come out.
I am listening, definitely. It’s just blowing my mind that an entire nation of women are all evil and heartless, cold and are to be avoided at all costs.
@Kirk
They are not all bad. In fact many are nice caring people, my wife included. We’ve raised beautiful children in the USA and are only a few years from being “empty nesters”. Japanese women can be very good mothers and homemakers. That said, my wife is not my soulmate and we do not have any deep or meaningful conversations. Everything is simple and on the surface. We still have sex, but I must initiate and practically negotiate EVERY time… and to be honest, she’d rather sleep in another bed. We get along well, but are more like roommates than a couple – no outward affection at all. And this is a best-case scenario – my wife is fluent in English (as am I in Japanese), we’ve lived in the US since the kids were born and pretty much all of her friends are American.
If, however, you marry and stay in Japan, it will be different. I’ve lived in Japan and have traveled there on business 2~5 times a year for the last 20+ years. My time there has allowed me to know, travel with, and spend a lot of time with Japanese men, and pretty much all are in sexless marriages after their kids are born. But for them, it’s just part of the deal. Thus, they think nothing of getting laid elsewhere… (I also think this lack of intimacy at home is partly why there is such a perv culture in Japan – they are sexually frustrated.)
If you decide to proceed with the relationship, just know that she won’t become your soulmate and conversations will mostly be about mundane day-to-day stuff. The first years will be great, but when you add kids to the mix, it will all change.
wow, you could say robots and jaanese women are made by the same comany and neither is human considering thier responces.
.
It seems like getting married, having kids (and just plain getting older) all contribute to these factors in relationships from any nationality. Being 25 and dating will never be the same as being 45 and married w/ kids. Are you guys just saying that it will be even that much worse with a Japanese woman as compared to say, an American woman? I’ve been talking to my Japanese buddy about this subject a lot recently. I’ve been telling him how I keep reading all these articles and comments about how it’s a terrible idea to even consider marrying a Japanese girl. He thinks it’s funny because he’s dating an American girl and everything he’s ever read or been told has said “Whatever you do, don’t marry a crazy American girl…”
@Kirk
Certainly some of the issues are just a product of being married, regardless of culture. But add that to other uniquely Japanese traits, and you’re adding more unnecessary risk to the equation.
As far as the quote “Whatever you do, don’t marry a crazy American girl…”, I’d be willing to bet this was never stated by a Japanese man actually married to an American girl. His friends are just going on perception and not actual experience. Let us know if you hear differently.
@Nelson,
The divorce rates for Japanese men married to white women are lower than average. Divorce rates for white men married to Japanese women are higher than average. I will leave the interpretation to you.
@kayumochi
Yes, that was my premise. I was waiting for @Kirk to show otherwise.
The other point that Japanese men try use use in “defense” of Japanese wives is the lower rate of divorce among Japanese v. Americans. But what is not mentioned is that Japanese men can ignore their wives (and vice versa) and this will not result in the wives wanting a divorce. Not necessarily the case in a Western marriage.
That’s a good point. I’m sure that the advice he was given about American girls was from people who didn’t have direct experience with them and were just based on stereotypes and preconceived notions. Compare that to nearly everyone commenting here who actually *have* been married to or dated Japanese girls.
I’ve always loved Japan and have loved learning Japanese and it’s been my goal to live there in the not-too-distant-future so I guess I’m partly trying to convince myself that it’s not as bad as it probably is with the women there. Part of me still wants to believe that being happily married to the right Japanese girl isn’t completely impossible though.
The Japanese men I know who are married to white foreign women SEEM to have happy marriages. I could be wrong about how happy they are; they could be fucking miserable for all I know but they don’t divorce so something is keeping them together.
@Kirk,
A happy marriage to a Japanese woman isn’t completely impossible Kirk. My marriage has its ups and downs but we are still together after 16 years and are happy more often than unhappy but the unhappy times just seem longer ….
Yet the white foreign women I know who are married to Japanese men are largely dominating cunts. Do Japanese men enjoy being dominated in this way? Another mystery … Another thing: these same Japanese men all have careers that keep them away from their foreign wives for long stretches while most white foreign men I know are home with their Japanese wives more often than their Japanese male counterparts.
Yet the white foreign women I know who are married to Japanese men are largely dominating *unts. Do Japanese men enjoy being dominated in this way? Another mystery … Another thing: these same Japanese men all have careers that keep them away from their foreign wives for long stretches while most white foreign men I know are home with their Japanese wives more often than their Japanese male counterparts.
Hi there. I would like to say, that I posted before saying that I had a relationship with my wife for 10 years where I would ask and sometimes get batted away.
Truth is my wife had … reasonable logic (for her at least) why she would say no to sex.
Fuct of the matter is; my north american friend introduced me to the idea of “free love”. He said, and I guess its not a terrible complicated concept, that I should stay with my wife, just have sexual fun elsewhere.
In my words I was like…oh Im not that KIND of person.. etc etc. then find myself oogling girls on the street like a sicko
So I finally got up the gumption to have a relationship outside the marriage.. its well, good.
My new friend is Japanese too. We are very sexual. She is 12 years younger than me. She understands my family situation, while to be fair my wife doesn’t understand my extra-family situation, and the new lady can see the point to hanging around me. which is nice.
THe thing is that we guys have been for so long , and I do mean generations, been training ourselves to oogle at women, idolize them; buy porn and visit porn sites. We go along with our lady friends shopping day outings in the same way a pet pug would. We get dressed up in clothes that we don’t even really like and or get any physical satisfaction out of- and why, all for the women who will give us absolutely no attention. why? Because they have ours duh!
So for about 8 months I just completely said no to all touching from my wife. I told her that she had to come around to my side of the picture. (nothing to lose right, 12 year younger women ready to go) (while this seems or maybe is rather morally dubious it gives me huge masculine potency and the ability to get it all back on my terms.)
You want to hold my hand? don’t say no to it then
You want to s*ck my C*ck? Just for 2 minutes then
You want to go shopping ., well ok here are the car keys ; Im going “out”
You get my drift guys … stop whining . Its you who have the problems. Not them. THey maybe coldhearted bitches, but who is letting them be…— you .. please ..get a grip and be the AMOG you were born to be.. And yes its ok to f*ck around.
WHo says?
Me and Mister willie of course
@Kirk
I, too, have a strong interest in Japan, its history and culture, and initially, it’s business practices. It started out as 95% love. However, as I became fluent and studied more deeply, many more things I dislike came to light… A simple example is how polite the Japanese are. I initially found this very appealing and one of the reasons why I loved Japan. Then I learned WHY they are polite. It’s not necessarily genuine, but in fact cultural expectation/conditioning that drives it. Which leads you to learn more about murahachibu, as well as honne & tatemae and how to decipher them. And so you come to realize many of those “nice” people you interacted with really have no interest in you… In America they might be considered “fake”… On the other hand, it’s this tatemae that is one of the glues to a very civil Japan where cities are overcrowded… From a social anthropological viewpoint, it is very fascinating stuff. Not so, when trying to find genuineness in your personal life.
There’s no reason why you shouldn’t go to Japan if that’s your passion. Just enter into any relationship with this knowledge and with both eyes open. Hopefully you can avoid some of the pitfalls many here have made.
I agree with DD….
If the relationship has gone downhill so far as there is nothing to loose, just draw your line in the sand. Take the opportunity to stand up and take control. Do what you want, when you want and how you want to do it. And of course by all means screw someone, have a girl friend or two. No need to flaunt it or put it in her face, just live your life. 99% of the time your J-wife will not leave and if she does then fine. Its win-win.
“So for about 8 months I just completely said no to all touching from my wife. I told her that she had to come around to my side of the picture. ”
My wife never touches me. I think I would actually enjoy it if she did. She has pretty much always been like that and in addition she has never wanted me to touch her. Are many Japanese women like this or did I just get one that is an odd ball.
@all guys who posted here
First it’s really not a race thing – black – white – Japanese – Filipino
That’s a coppout. I say again get a grip guys. It’s certainly cultural not racial. The comments directed to YOU WHITE GUYS were downright offensive.
It’s not the fault of Japanese women. It’s yourselves. Whatever your race is; you have a culture within your marriage. You have a way of life. You have played a part in its conception. You’re victims not of your wife but of your own expectations of what marriage is.
Like I said in two previous post: I got over myself and got another girl. I experimented with a few but shoved away the ones which made the same relationship noises as my wife. My current woman is hot for me. She has said she never wants kids which is fine cause I don’t want more. She realizes that of she did she would turn her attention off me to them.
I stay with my legal wife and we sleep in the same bed. Now I bat her away instead of the reverse. Or I take it if I want it. I’m living this way because I care for the mental and emotional social development of my daughters. But I get my main sex- like 99%- with this younger girl. Twelve years younger. She’s hot and cares for me in ways that my wife never did even when we were single and still dating. So it’s not a racial thing. It’s a personal thing. In fact I love my wife. We’re just not in love anymore.
It is ok
That’s her choice too
She’s allowed to get turned off. It took me more than ten years to get this. I was so bitter like most of you guys. It was my preconception of what marriage is. Think about it. Marriage is a pretty fucked up idea. Yeah right. Just you and me for eternity? No no I didn’t mean it. I meant for as long as you can please me. That would be more honest.
You have the power. Get up off your masterbation chair. Go get the girl of your dreams coz they do exist. You have to communicate in real depth so you need a quality control of not only Japanese but also language itself. You need to introspect and find your fucked up zones too. Or you’ll repeat it with every non -j or Japanese girl you date. Get into what you like, get into doing stuff you know turns you on in life. Sex is great and I will have it all my life from now till I die. But it is not the only thing. I mean intimacy for me is my huge desire from any relationship.
And so I know when my girls are old enough to mentally cope with me leaving their mother I’m gonna hang my hat with this other woman. I say hang my hat because this time I know that if she becomes less INTIMATE with me that I’ll pick it back up off the hat stand and go out get some elsewhere.
“Whatever your race is; you have a culture within your marriage. You have a way of life.”
Spoken like someone who is not married to a Japanese nor does not know ‘personally’ any Japanese people or the culture.
You sound very idealistic and simplistic, but from the many Japanese people I know and have known over the past 10 years including inlaws and friends all over Japan non of which fit your profile of individualism. In fact as any Japanese person will tell you individualism is not a strong point in Japanese culture and is actually looked down on….like I said before chigau means ‘wrong’ and ‘different’ for a reason. This summation is straight from a native Japanese persons mouth.
Did I rub you wrong big C. Personal attacks aside. I’ve gone past idealism and simplicity to a new form of complexity and cultural awareness. You’re welcome to this heightened state of being any time you can manage it dude. Culture ? I’ve got more than enough for you too. You managed to be wrong on all points in your last entry dude. Feel your masculinity. Be cool and don’t whimper like a child.
Have to agree with coconut that there’s a cultural aspect at work here. There would have to be for lack of sexual interest between married partners to be so widespread in marriages in japan. Sure, american marraiges are plenty bad too for different reasons, but it’s apples and oranges. (http://dontmarry.wordpress.com/)
You’ve found a system that works for you DD and that’s great, but no need to be condescending just because someone disagrees what caused the situation in the first place.
Quite right except
If you read correctly you’d notice it was I that suggested it was a cultural problem and not a racial problem.
I shouldn’t call someone childish evn though:
They make wrong assumptions about my cultural awareness or
They call me simplistic
Only partially read or improperly read my post and incorrectly maybe intentionally incorrectly stated my marital status. And
Saying I have no knowledge of Japanese people, when the fact is that I’ve lived here for 17 years and have influenced and been influenced by thousands of Japanese people in one on one conversations. Albeit through my work as a life coach.
I don’t know what drives you or c’s mallorca but it certainly isn’t I depth reading of my posts or an aligned thought process.
In general while I sympathize with many people here I can’t empathize any more. That is why I say stop patting each other on the back and stop there thereing each other. It isn’t helping your situation. In my posts I was direct. True. But I didn’t attack one individual as C did to me. I say:
Dudes. It’s your responsibility if you are being ignored. It’s your fault as much as it is hers. It’s your opportunity to claim some power from the situation. It is your opportunity to grow and affect a subculture of guys and girls around you by being a shining light and not a whining shite.
Sure she done you wrong. If you’re complaining I won’t argue the point. I’m
saying she ain’t the only one. You were there too. You have the opportunity to make every relationship you move into work for you. Go to it if you so desire. Japanese women dont have some bitch disease. Be a man and don’t allow the bitch in her to rule. Make her the queen.
Touché, I retract my remark. I guess I got caught up in the tone of your posts and missed some of the details. (unusual for me, though I have no idea what a mallorca is.) I definitely agree with avoiding ad hominems, and that it’s a cultural issue rather than a racial one.
@Bellion
Actually you were right that I shouldn’t have been personal back. Thanks for the heads up.
I meant to say malot but spell check took me to an island off spain
I was particularly annoyed when a certain postee said that it was a mainly white foreign dude problem. How grossly inaccurate and generalizing and improper. Just as it is to blow out the whole race of Japanese women as cold & heartless. It’s just an emotional splurge by someone who wants a shoulder to cry on. You know, I’m not pointing fingers, I’ve been there myself. So I say, if I can wake anyone up out of that self destructive conceited way of talking, I’ll go ahead and do it.
My life style ain’t perfect by anyone’s mark. I’m cheating on my wife. One say she’ll know and I’ll have to face her grief and anger. Is it worth it? It feels like it right now.
I’m one of those tough love types. When I see it I’ll say it. If someone ever pulls me up on what I’m doing I’ll own up to it. If I can manage it before that happens then I may have grown more than I expect possible just right now.
I’m trying to reach people here and make a difference by offering my experience perspective and divergence. Thanks to you for your post.
great communication tire dead futon yep it sucks
I feel very disillusioned about Japan and Japanese women now. Maybe it’s for the best I guess…
Did I offend someone by referring to “white men” in Japan? Hey, I am a white (American) man and I only speak from my experience and I have NONE being a black man, Asian man or a gay man for that matter in Japan.
From what I can tell, white American men spend a lot more time at home with their Japanese wives than do their Japanese counterparts. Does anyone think this might contribute to a stressful marriage?
No not you Kayumochi. Another postee
I would love to read a forum of a bunch of Japanese wifes on this very topic. You think the forum would be blank with no participants? Sexless marriages are the norm? I’m curious to hear the other side on this very topic. Does anyone have a link?
I truly feel for most of the guys here because I’m going through the same shit with a j wife. Even went to a counsellor due to marital issues outside of sex and guess what this marriage counsellor told me? All the issues I laid out to him is really rooted on the lack of intimacy… Really opened my eyes as over the years had no time to think about these things due to work. But I don’t think this is entirely my fault and while I’m trying to turn things around, it’s not working 🙁