Sexless Japan – Really?

Modern Japanese Women - are they Sexless?With maid cafes where pretty young girls that ooze submissiveness to their “masters”, and “shuccho health” (出張ヘルス, basically, dial-a-prostitute) and soap-lands (sensual bathing houses with soapy special service) to vending machines for porn, and specialty shops with used high school girl underwear; Japan, at least on the surface appears one of the most sexually proactive nations in the world. Japanese men are as perverted (if not more perverted) than those in other countries, and as for the ladies, on top of being naturally feminine (with petite sexy bodies, skin that doesn’t seem to change complexion from childhood, pretty faces and silky black hair), the women of Japan have no misconceptions about what style – clothes, perfume and make up – makes a man stop in his tracks, and rouse that tingle in his loins.

When interacting with others, sex and everything surrounding it is fair game for a topic of conversation in Japan and, it is certainly not frowned upon by religious groups or society at large as it is in the USA and other countries. When it comes to secreting sexual hormones and sexuality in general, almost nothing is taboo in Japan – until that is, the day one gets married, or so it seems. Indeed in stark sexual contrast, Japan may be suffering from a sexual drought, where being totally open about sex and being sexy in general, doesn’t seem to be converted into the ins-and-outs of baby making when it comes to married couples.

The state of sexless marriage in JapanShown in these statistics, a recent survey by Japan’s health ministry found that as many as one-third of all marriages in Japan are sexless. The problem is now so widespread that the government fears it is a major contributor to the dramatic plunge in Japan’s birthrate (now only 1.28 births per woman). This sexless phenomenon is not only found in those relationships that are plunging down the drain toward divorce, but to the contrary, more and more couples that consider themselves healthily married (and have no intention of separating), have not had sex with each other in the last month or more (the common definition of “sexless” in Japan), with many saying that they have not had sex together in the last 6 months to one year.

According to the most recent survey of 41 nations last October, the average Japanese has intercourse 45 (and according to Bayer Pharmaceuticals as low as 17) times a year, compared with the global average of 103. Japan is repeatedly at the bottom of the list. Last year it trailed Singapore, which was 28 shags a year higher!

The term “sexless”, was first used in Japan in the early 1990s, but now is instantly recognizable to the Japanese as a universally understood concept, and widely discussed in the media. There are books on the subject and thousands websites and heartbreaking blogs discussing sexless Japan, while letters on the subject fill agony columns on “dear doctor”-type sites.

Sexless JapanOne in five sexless couples say they view sex simply as a nuisance. A small number cite the lack of a private space, because children or elderly parents often sleep just the other side of a paper-thin door, leading many married couples to even sleep in separate rooms. Mitsui Home announced recently in an Asahi Newspaper article, that in 30% of the new houses they build, the couples are asking for 2 “master” bedrooms. This is a shocking statistic, which shows that sexless couples want to continue living their lives together – separately! “We are sort of room-mates rather than a married couple”, one 31-year-old man, who had not had sex with his wife for two years, told the Asahi Shinbun.

There are many other theories about why the Japanese become less inclined to raunchy evenings in the sack together, but likely it is a mixture of some of these:

  • Stress of work/life in Japan (maybe the taihen cloud?)
  • Lack of understanding, and usage of contraception, especially “the pill” (who wants to use condoms with their wife!?), making sex with your wife viable only when you want to have a baby
  • Abundance of 不倫 (furin, or extra-marital) relationships
  • More and more Japanese women choosing career over family
  • A tendency among Japanese married couples to feel an aversion to sex with their spouse, not because they dislike one another, but rather because they feel that they have more of a sister-brother relationship; the sanctity of which would be destroyed with a repulsive incest-like feeling, by what westerners would consider normal conjugal relations

The last point is an interesting one, as in the past, it has been traditionally Japanese women who complained that they couldn’t see their hubby “as a member of the opposite sex.” But in the last few years, there’s been an exponential increase in men who can’t view their wives as sexual partners either. While it is true that many Japanese married couples seem to be sexless in nature, they key thing to remember is that this certainly does not mean that they lack the desire for sexual fulfillment. While marriage and children may bring on a sex drought in the home, Japanese people who want (and in the case of most men, need) sex do not simply abstain from sex because they cannot see the feminine qualities in their own wife, or the sexual attraction of their hard working husband.

Japanese housewife seeking sexJapanese men love their companies; they live for work, and many don’t even think it is a problem if they don’t have sex with their wives. They have pornography and the sex industry (soap lands, cabaret bars, and dial-a-girl services, and trips to Taiwan) to take care of their needs, but their wives have nowhere to go. They just suffer in silence.. or do they? The divorce rate in Japan has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, with more women blaming their sexually inactive, as opposed to sexually errant, husbands for break-ups. Though they may not be seeking sexual pleasure from their better halves, married Japanese women are seeking intimacy from other sources (many even claim to have a sex addiction), leading double lives – being the good mother, while at the same time seeking out “Leroy” the lover, who is always lurking, and ready to fulfill her every desire.

Sex Friend search sites are used by women in Japan widelyJapan is full of temptation, and it doesn’t matter whether you are a housewife or salary-man, there is plenty of raunchy action waiting out there – if that is what you desire. Furin sites to find a (extra marital) “sex friend” partner are just as rampant in Japan as in other countries, however they are much more widely used by women in Japan to solve their sexless quandaries. For the more conservative ladies, sites like mixi.jp – which are neutrally classed as “social networking” spaces – are abound with profiles (men and women) looking for partners to secretly spruce up their sexless, but otherwise happily married lives.

Many Japanese marriages may be sexless, but this is only a statistic about the state of sex within marriage itself. In fact, there may be a good reason for the sexless condition of marriages here – Are the Japanese getting enough of the good stuff outside their marriages to keep them happy? I certainly think so.

Japanese people will never be sexless as individuals; therefore Japan is not sexless, so don’t let mere statistics confuse the situation!

(If you are married in Japan, or married to a Japanese, let us know what you think of “Sexless Japan” by leaving a comment below!)

1,218 thoughts on “Sexless Japan – Really?”

  1. Does “keep himself under control” mean:

    a. ability to hide ?
    b. tolerance on the woman’s part ?

    The enjoyment of the sex with black men(as opposed to any other man) is due to what?

  2. As a native speaker of English I may be of help here MitaBoy10 with the comments you are having a tough time with: black American men, when they get a taste of p****y on the side, are more likely to go wild with desire and leave the wife for the girlfriend than Japanese men or American white men. It isn’t rocket science.

  3. It may not be rocket science, but it is stereotypical BS, which I think was what mitaboy was getting at.

  4. @ J Lover

    “Wild with desire”, hhhhmmmm the characteristic that Japanese women crave deep within their psyche and are not able to get from other men who are just pounding their sweaty hairy pale bodies unceremoniously upon their fragile frames?

    Are you suggesting that men from other ethnic groups do not go wild with desire?

  5. @Kayumochi

    Could it be that the black men about whom the woman was referring had the “good sense” to get out of the relationships they had with the Japanese women that were(given the volume of statistics – see the links) going to eventually go downhill sexually?

    Such that they wouldn’t be victims posting on this thread, LOL

  6. I was gonna say. : come on guys this isn’t about race, then I woke up. This thread has always been about racist. So. There ya go. We’re all f*ck’n racists. Get over it and get back to the solutions which fall outside of race.

    I recall my previous posts saying : you have to get over yourself.
    Start to love yOuself enough first
    Then either love him or her enough that
    They start too or
    One of you makes it out the proverbial door to
    Journey to another persons heart.

    I think a fEw people here need to stand back and see the big pic as there’s the cant seethe wood for the trees syndrome goin on

  7. All women I talk to say black men are well-hung and good in bed. Hell, I wish I was stereotyped like that 🙂

  8. @kayomochi

    That’s the kind of statement a person who has said too much- knows they should apologize – but just can’t stop the diarrhea coming out their dumbass mouth-might make.

    Just shut up about the black stuff dude. You shame all non black people, and give off the image that we’re all as dumb as that just because our names are somewhere on this blog. I tried to be indirect dude. But you’re coming close to getting a message from staff dude. What is more I don’t like getting dumbass racist comments in my inbox

  9. Uh, who is getting rude and aggressive here DD? Is there some part of what I wrote that doesn’t indicate that it is generally common knowledge that women often comment that black men are sexy? My wife says so. I have girlfriends who said so. I have female friends and co-workers who say so. Can’t say that any of them strike me as racist. If you live in an alternate universe where life is different then by all means tell us how it is where you are.

  10. Everyone harbors racist thoughts from time to time. That does not worry me. My concern is whether or not a individual is intelligent. The intelligent person recognizes the thoughts as such and acts to change to them.

    The statements below strike me as odd. I’d really like to know where the data comes from. Any classified ad source in Japan and marriage agency in Japan would counter that. Don’t take my word for check for yourself. You could start with Metropolis magazine. []s are mine.

    “it is generally common[?] knowledge that [Japanese?]women often comment that black men are sexy? My [Japanese?] wife says so. I have [Japanese?] girlfriends who said so. I have [Japanese?]female friends and [Japanese?]co-workers who say so.”

    “J-women say that they like the sex they get from a black male but they don’t make good boyfriends or husbands.”

    I’d be curious know why the above perceptions exist.

    And do black men have the same rates of sexlessness with Japanese women as men from other ethnic groups? It’s not racist, it’s a question of data.

  11. Well from my limited experience at being a Black male, nearly 50 years and being with a Japanese female for nearly 10, I can say this; I agree that ‘if’ the legs are readily open most Black men will spend most of their free time between them. This makes it very easy to spot a Black man who has a girlfriend on the side. Granted in the last 40+ years I have known many other Black with gf’s on the side to substantiate my claim.

    I also have to agree that Japanese men can and do keep things together at home while having a gf on the side. During the past 10 years or so I have come to know quite a few Japanese men as well, both in-laws and friends of friends. For this reason, Japanese women will trust their husbands to have a gf on the side, because they know ‘its only sex’. He will, and does, come home afterward. However on the other side of that coin are the Japanese gf’s of these Japanese husbands. Japanese mistresses do not try to break up or steal a man like American women do, they want him to go home. There are many reasons for this. One is that in Japan the mistress can be sued for breaking up a marriage by the Japanese man’s wife. Another is that being ‘caught’ brings shame to not only the mistress but her family. Then of course, women are smart enough to know that if he cheats on his wife, chances are he will cheat on me too. Finally, the Japanese culture is not one based on ‘Love’ or the fairy-tale life that Westerners is, so when the man leaves they don’t dream about a life with him in the mind altered state of Love. This is to say, Japanese women do not associate sex with Love like Western women do. To a Japanese woman sex is sex period.

    Now to address the other side as well, the Japanese women. Yes many have men on the side just like their husbands have gf’s on the side. I know a few of them as well. And like their cheating husbands, they keep it together at home. After all, its all about sex.

    As for which race of men would make the better husband. Personally I would say White men probably make better husbands. Having two White brother-in-laws I can say that they take more from a woman than other men, and it also takes more for them to cheat. Also they have no problem ‘pretty much’ giving a woman their pay check. These are certainly values women will find attractive in a husband.

  12. @ Coconut thanks for the insights base on your experiences

    “Having two White brother-in-laws I can say that they take more from a woman than other men,” meaning that what they take from a woman is unreasonable?

    Still would be interesting to hear intelligent responses to the comments below(based on earlier posts) which presumably would be on Japanese women and black men in Japan.

    “it is generally common[?] knowledge that [Japanese?]women often comment that black men are sexy? My [Japanese?] wife says so. I have [Japanese?] girlfriends who said so. I have [Japanese?]female friends and [Japanese?]co-workers who say so.”

    “J-women say that they like the sex they get from a black male but they don’t make good boyfriends or husbands.”

  13. Hi Mita,

    “meaning that what they take from a woman is unreasonable?”

    Unreasonable for me perhaps, maybe not for someone else. I think everyone’s tolerance is different. The differences I noticed should not be generally applied to a whole race, however they are consistent with the white men I know [even those married to white women].

    Concerning the other comments about what Japanese women think…

    While in Japan and speaking to various women and men. I did notice that the Japanese [sub-consciously or consciously] find themselves boring. Anything Western ie non-Asian is looked at with admiration and curiosity. Being Black means that not only is the skin color different but the hair, eyes etc. are different as well. Long story short, I think J-women find any race of men that are different than Japanese men curiously-sexy. Put an Italian man in a room with a Black man in front of J-women and I bet they would be attracted to the Italian esp if he has a strong accent. Point is, the more ‘foreign’ someone is the greater the attraction.

  14. Thanks Coconut!

    “Put an Italian man in a room with a Black man in front of J-women and I bet they would be attracted to the Italian esp if he has a strong accent. Point is, the more ‘foreign’ someone is the greater the attraction.”

    The choice of the Italian man over the Black man would seem to support that Black men would be in “second place” as a dating preference. Classified ads and marriage agencies in Japan would also indicate the same preference, this is not a secret, one need merely look any any ad source or agency in Japan.

    So, why do you think the perceptions below persist as “common knowledge”? This is 2012, it is almost laughable.

    “it is generally common[?] knowledge that [Japanese?]women often comment that black men are sexy? My [Japanese?] wife says so. I have [Japanese?] girlfriends who said so. I have [Japanese?]female friends and [Japanese?]co-workers who say so.”

    And the sexual-pleasure/performance gap?

    “J-women say that they like the sex they get from a black male but they don’t make good boyfriends or husbands.”

  15. a question

    “the more ‘foreign’ someone is the greater the attraction”, on the color spectrum which ethnicity would be closer to the range of skin hues of Japanese women?

    If Black men are “more foreign” in terms of skin color, should not there be verifiable evidence that Japanese women desire Black men as first or equal dating/marriage option?

    Data, at least that which is easily obtainable would point to the contrary.

  16. Comical that DD protests the stereotyping of blacks yet is fine with an entire thread dedicated to the stereotyping of Japanese women 🙂

  17. Garden gnomes are commonly found naming themselves after heated herb drinks, which those illiterate fungi drinking nematodes drink merrily out of antiquated camping pots made out of zinc and mercury. Thus they neither understand the drivelous ramblings of their superior garden owners, let alone the academic conversations which go on behinds the doors which they can only hope to imagine the dream it would be for them to listen to such gigantically proportioned elocutions. Thus the billy tea drinking garden gnome is doomed to marvel at such wondrous speech and yet likely to, if supplied with a transcript of such a talk, get the meaning of the whole thing topsy turvey and run around pronouncing to the world that his garden owning landlord greats are (to his great and unknown shame) getting it all wrong, and are not so great at all, when really it is his gnomish ranting which is so ignorantly wrong that no more shall be said on the matter and he shall be left to fade into oblivion feeling the insecurity of his not being heard or understood, and certainly not being witnessed. Pity the garden gnome not. He serves no purpose.

  18. Why has this thread become something about “black guys”?

    Also, there is no “stereotyping” of Japanese women here. Most of us are merely reporting our findings.

    When I get pulled over for speeding, I don’t protest, “You are stereotyping me as a German who drives too fast.”

    No, I was driving too fast. Those are the facts.

    Marry a Japanese woman and kiss your sex life goodbye. If you haven’t grasped that fact by post #1121 on this thread, then clearly you are immune to reason.

    Or marry a Japanese gal and find out yourself.

    Of course, your J-wife will be “different”. EVERYBODY says that… “Oh, she is Westernized…”

    Bullsh#t.

    Anyway, I’d rather hear more about this Garden Gnome stuff than about “black” guys.

  19. @ Heinrich Why has this thread become something about “black guys”?
    Too shed a little light…

    Lily post mentioned in 1072

    While I agree that many “white american boys” are selfish jerks, I know many who are not. I have met plenty of Japanese men married to “white” or “western” women who are NOT outgoing, not so helpful, and not social.

    Based on her post I asked in 1076

    Would be interesting to know whether or not men other than “white men” have problems with sexlessness with Japanese women?

  20. I’ve seen plenty of non-white + Japanese women arguing and even physically fighting in public. I guess it had nothing to do with being white.

  21. “plenty” of non-white + Japanese women arguing and even physically fighting in public.

    Would be interesting to know if they were fighting over sexlessness. Perhaps the women discovered another girl’s email on the keitai?

  22. That’s a moderately tedious attempt at continuing driving straight on a dead-end street.

    Something I’ve re-learned over the last few days. It’s best not to hurt someone if at all possible.

    Peace

  23. Before considering divorce or affair, have you tried male dominance?

    Try spanking your ‘maguro’ dead fish, ravaging her, throwing her on the bed, and animalistically taking charge of your sex life.

    Spank her at other times, not just before sex. Feel free to enjoy it, too.

    Be a dominant man she can feel attracted to again. If you care about her feelings, you should be lifting weights and acting dominant (in your own way).

    After all of that, feel free to get her off with a toy or whatever. But only AFTER you have cemented your dominance and her attraction in the marriage.

    Try
    http://www.takeninhand.com
    http://www.marriedmansexlife.com

  24. Good article Timmy. My god there is a condition axsexuality! I’m beginning to wonder if my wife has that now!

  25. Its been awhile but I just have to share this new situation which really made me loose the last bit of respect I had.

    Currently I am attending a University [re-inventing myself with new career] I’m going full time so readying 8 chapters for a test in 2 weeks is normal for each class. Then of course there are the papers. So 4 classes with 6-8+ chapters on each test my load of pretty full.

    Here comes the crazy part.
    My Japanese wife decided to keep herself one step ahead of me [her words], and go back to school to earn a Masters Degree from a U.S. University. Mind you she can not make one correct complete sentence. Somehow the school took her Japanese and Australian college credits and off she went.

    Each week she has assignments that require her to read and research topics and write APA formatted papers. Therefore each week she expects me to re-write each one of her papers, and in some cases write the paper entirely. She expects me to stop studying or make time to re-write her papers in time and actually has the nerve to nag me about “If I wrote or checked her paper yet?”. I’m like WTF…you see me reading from sun-up to sun-down nearly each day trying to stay on top of my own work and the second I take a break you ask me if I did your work yet. She is totally fine with me actually doing all the work, which is actually what I ended up doing as I re-write her papers with don’t make any sense what so ever. I told her I just don’t have the time to do my work and her work, its just not possible. I can not believe that someone would actually be okay with letting someone else earn them a degree and do their work for them in the first place. Second of all she has got to be crazy if she expects me to literally stop what I am doing and write all of her papers. She got a 100% on her first paper [that I wrote] and actually was proud, as if she earned it!

  26. @Coconut

    I always LAUGH when people say, “Japanese women make the best wives”. The stereotype of the “hardworking” Japanese wife is a myth.

    My sexless cow ex-wife didn’t work, didn’t cook, didn’t clean and any free time I had, she said, “You take care of the kids, it’s MY TIME now.”

    Oh yeah, and did I mention the “no sex” part?

    I worked two jobs and when I came home, she was watching TV.

    Divorce is expensive, but it’s worth every penny.

  27. I still can’t help but think that surely not EVERY single Japanese woman is this bad. I’m not disagreeing with any of you guys about your personal experiences, and I don’t disagree that the odds are not in your favor in general with a Japanese woman, but again… surely there must be some good females over there… right?

  28. @Randall

    Think of it this way.

    I have a deck of 52 cards.

    With a JAPANESE DECK, I tell you, “If you drawn an ACE, you will get a good woman”. So you have a ONE in SEVEN chance of happiness, and a SIX in SEVEN chance at misery.

    With an American DECK, it seems like its 50/50, since half of all marriages end in divorce, but realistically since the man could be at fault, figure its 70/30 of happiness/misery.

    Best bet? Don’t get married.

    DATE a Japanese woman Randall. Date her and date her and date some more.

    Don’t EVER marry her.

    EVAH.

    Or you next comment on this site will begin, “I didn’t believe you guys and I married a Japanese woman because I thought she WAS DIFFERENT*… but now I am miserable….”

    *the “she was DIFFERENT” comment will cause American men married to Japanese women to fall over in laughter. Japanese women are all basically the same.

  29. Look, if you marry a Japanese woman, assume that you are marrying a child (NOT in a creepy way). I mean, assume that you are prepared to spend the rest of your life with someone who will never develop, intellectually or emotionally, past the age of 12. Because that’s what the Japanese are, a nation of 12-year-olds.

    On the other hand, if you are already married to one, your life will get much easier if you treat her as though you were her father, with a firm but benevolent hand. This definitely applies to Japanese husbands, too. In my experience, most Japanese people marry to gain a mother/father figure, rather than a wife or husband.

    And don’t bother having kids. These days in Japan children are treated as toys or accessories, rather than as individual beings in their own right. Personally I would never breed with a Japanese partner, but I would certainly consider adopting a dog.

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/jun/08/why-japan-prefers-pets-to-parenthood?INTCMP=SRCH

  30. Very perceptive Rebecca, I honestly thought I was the only person that noticed the Japanese lack of maturity. I often think of Japan as a social experiment. This is evidenced by the constant bombardment of cartoon characters in every form of media. TV ads, billboards, local news and weather, regular TV programs etc. all incorporate some sort of “toon” character. This along with the high pitched child-like tone of voice does make Japan seem as though it is being programmed to be child-like.

    Rebecca is absolutely correct in saying that Japan is a nation of 12 year olds. At first glance people might think aww how cute, as it contributes to the false notion of innocence and purity. But after some time the child-like mannerisms are hugely annoying.

  31. @Rebecca

    Also funny you should mention adopting a dog. Very early on I realized the I definitely did not under any circumstance what to have a child with my new J-bride. I immediately made an appointment to get a vasectomy, of course my J-bride was all for not having children too. Apparently they actually don’t like kids, they see them as more of a burden than anything else. Soon afterwards she wanted a dog “to be her daughter”. Yes in her own words she literally said she sees her dog as “Being her daughter” and yes it is spoiled and pampered. Sometimes I look at her while she cuddles up on the floor to sleep with her dog, what a waste of affection and love. Surely some human being would benefit from this much more than a dog. But yet the dog receives more love, affection and devotion than I have yet to see any mother foreign or domestic give a child.

    Certainly being married to a J-female is not being married to a woman. It is nothing more than 2 people living as room mates in a parent-child type relationship or purely as friends.

  32. I tried to resist coming back here. I posted a while back and thought, ahhh I said it. All the things I needed to say: “J-Wife is unappreciative, unemployed, demanding, sex-less, spoiled and child like.” Whew….what a relief to say it all in writing. End of story.
    But as I keep reading all these other posts I began to realize how fucked I am. I have two kids with her, we live in Hawaii where the natto is plentiful and the need to assimilate zero. I am beginning to realize all the Japanese language classes my kids take and I pay for, all the multi-cultural hoo-haa that I endorse, embrace and participate in only serve to put a wedge between she and I. She will never come around to being bi-cultural and she will eventually try to take the kids fully ready to return to Japan with her when we inevitably split up. I know the stereotype of the “inscrutable Asian” but I have acted in good faith throughout our marriage. Based on the posts here I have been a dupe and this will end badly.
    BTW, to the guy who was told to stop everything and work on his wife’s Master’s paper, I feel for you. I got a Ph. D. but not before slaving over a Masters for my illiterate wife. No appreciation, no gratitude, and she didn’t drive so my 1 year old and I sat in the car while she pretended to be a student three nights a week of three years. Three years later, she has not been on one interview in pursuit of the masters I earned for her. Don’t do it. As they saying goes, if you has no skin in the game, what do you have to lose?
    I guess I am coming to an awful realization I just don’t want to face. Is this really it? Have I been played the fool with the worst yet to come? right now sucks but it’s not looking better going forward. Is all my denial and “second chance” internal dialog just fucking things up deeper? I can’t see a way out and this thread is making things painfully clear: get out while I can! I’m like a slot machine addict though, just a few hundred more dollars on Prada, a few thousand more dishes and diaper changes, then she’ll have to love me…

  33. Hey Matt

    I live in Honolulu and am going through the very same ordeal you are. Married a Japanese woman, have beautiful daughter and work my ass off while she stays home and does NOTHING!!

    Sexless – YES. Unappreciative – YES. Complains all the time – YES.

    I am stuck. But I love my daughter too much to risk my selfish wife taking her back to Japan, which she has threatened on a couple of occasion.

    I can tell you all of her Japan Moma friends all complain about their husbands and seem to be very unappreciative of their husbands as well.

    I just witnessed an argument between her best friend and her husband where she refuses to work and he is significantly struggling financially at the moment. Unbelievable.

    These women are all immature, selfish and are parasites.

    From another struggling guy here in Honolulu!

    DML

  34. DML-
    Thank you so much for your post. There are so many times she makes it seem like I am wrong and unintelligent in the ways of basic human relations. Given her insistence that all our friends be Japanese and my inability, given my work schedule, to go out and mingle to counter-balance I’m stuck with her friend opinions about things. Unfortunately, I get these opinions daily.
    It’s nice to learn from another person struggling with these issues. I am a family oriented person, I can’t think that giving up on my kids might save my life but it’s hard to imagine otherwise at this point. Giving up on this dead relationship is a no-brainer but the seeds we’ve sown take a lot to walk away from. I do strongly believe however, that no change is imminent and the longer I wait the longer I deny myself the right to pursue fulfillment in a real way. Damn if those Japanese girls aren’t intoxicating at 20 something……. I’m 15 years in at this point. If you want to grab beer sometime, write me back.

  35. Hey Matt

    Sure, lets grab a beer. Not sure if they allow an email address in is comment section of the post though.

    Dave (DML)

  36. @Matt & DML

    I feel for you guys.

    All I can say is make an exit plan [long term], start saving cash now, start looking for other places to live, envision your life without your wives and put it in a long term step-by-step plan. Sooner or later ‘that’ day will come. Right now you guys feel stuck because of the kids [been there] but the day will come sooner that it may seem that the kids will no longer be an issue. On that day you want to be prepared. Even though you live in highly dysfunctional relationships it will be a shock to suddenly be free [been there too].

    Wish you guys all the best.

  37. Hey Coconut

    Thanks for the response. No worries here as I think I have the right perspective on things and have a life that I enjoy despite my troubled marriage.

    The trick is to put the marriage in its proper place, magnify the good points, ignore the selfish behavior and keep moving forward. I lead in my marriage and try not to let her opinions get to me too much. What helps with that is the witnessing of all her friends and their respective marriages that seem very troubled, in conjunction with numerous guys I know who married Japanese women and now all of them are divorced – all for the same common issue of selfishness on the wife’s part.

    In the nutshell the husband needs to be the man, a dominant man who sets the tone and tempo of the relationship – not her. Japanese women seem to respond to that. I make the money, I control the finances… thus i do not need her at all. And, I am not sure I even want her at this point because of the disappointment the relationship with her has become. But, somewhere in that wacky Japanese brain of hers is a decent and caring person that comes out from time to time.

    Anyways, thanks for the reply!

  38. Man, I thought I had it bad. I can’t believe some people have it worse than me. Since we’ve been in counseling things have improved somewhat. I’m in my 40s, 2 kids, living in the states. Sex a couple of times a week. I mostly initiate but she refuses less, initiates more (than before), wears lingerie. Started using a vibrator on herself during sex occasionally. Things are not perfect but it is better than before.

    BTW I would never do her essays for her. I’ll help a bit with minor editing but that’s it. She knows that so not an issue.

    I guess having a level-headed, sex-positive American therapist has helped things generally. Would I go through this 20 years ago? No way, but it is what it is. At least it’s bearable for now.

  39. I spanked her well, including bare bottom, last month for the first time. Results were good. Since then I’ve been too busy to repeat and what do you know, she’s back to her old ways. Ignoring me, interacting only with our kid, and watching TV. And that led me right back to my ways (becoming very emotionally hurt and withdrawn).

    I know what I have to do. Maintenance spankings.

    You know, I didn’t make this stuff up, there’s a whole body of thought on domestic discipline and male dominance.

    http://www.takeninhand.com

    http://www.marriedmansexlife.com

    All of the below can work:

    Spank with amused sadism.

    Spank with amused affection.

    Spank calmly for a specific punishment.

    Spank to relieve stress (then say ‘thanks, I really needed that’).

    Women expect you to perform sex ON them, always. The whole idea of female initiative is a feminist lie.

    Why blame your wife for not taking initiative? The only women who take initiative are bizarre high-testosterone bitches. Don’t blame your wife. Blame the feminists who fed you that propaganda. Blame yourself for believing that propaganda.

  40. It’s difficult to get well-informed people on this topic yet you
    sound like you know what you’re talking about!
    Many thanks for this post. I really agree with what you are saying.
    Keep us posted.

  41. my advice after one year of inactivity on this forum and to bring some life back here.

    move out of Japan! That was the best thing I did one year ago! show her your mastery and let her do your work (like an employee wbich you occasionally)
    and go to thailand or other places sometimes in the year.
    for me that helped

  42. Didn’t realize when we lived in Japan on one salary it would take two to make it in America but my Japanese wife won’t/can’t work …. she says her English isn’t good enough but I see Chinese fresh off the boat that go right to work … she complains that we don’t have any money … I don’t know what the fuck to do. Will I be one of those guys who goes back to Japan hoping the marriage will work out?

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