Sexless Japan – Really?

Modern Japanese Women - are they Sexless?With maid cafes where pretty young girls that ooze submissiveness to their “masters”, and “shuccho health” (出張ヘルス, basically, dial-a-prostitute) and soap-lands (sensual bathing houses with soapy special service) to vending machines for porn, and specialty shops with used high school girl underwear; Japan, at least on the surface appears one of the most sexually proactive nations in the world. Japanese men are as perverted (if not more perverted) than those in other countries, and as for the ladies, on top of being naturally feminine (with petite sexy bodies, skin that doesn’t seem to change complexion from childhood, pretty faces and silky black hair), the women of Japan have no misconceptions about what style – clothes, perfume and make up – makes a man stop in his tracks, and rouse that tingle in his loins.

When interacting with others, sex and everything surrounding it is fair game for a topic of conversation in Japan and, it is certainly not frowned upon by religious groups or society at large as it is in the USA and other countries. When it comes to secreting sexual hormones and sexuality in general, almost nothing is taboo in Japan – until that is, the day one gets married, or so it seems. Indeed in stark sexual contrast, Japan may be suffering from a sexual drought, where being totally open about sex and being sexy in general, doesn’t seem to be converted into the ins-and-outs of baby making when it comes to married couples.

The state of sexless marriage in JapanShown in these statistics, a recent survey by Japan’s health ministry found that as many as one-third of all marriages in Japan are sexless. The problem is now so widespread that the government fears it is a major contributor to the dramatic plunge in Japan’s birthrate (now only 1.28 births per woman). This sexless phenomenon is not only found in those relationships that are plunging down the drain toward divorce, but to the contrary, more and more couples that consider themselves healthily married (and have no intention of separating), have not had sex with each other in the last month or more (the common definition of “sexless” in Japan), with many saying that they have not had sex together in the last 6 months to one year.

According to the most recent survey of 41 nations last October, the average Japanese has intercourse 45 (and according to Bayer Pharmaceuticals as low as 17) times a year, compared with the global average of 103. Japan is repeatedly at the bottom of the list. Last year it trailed Singapore, which was 28 shags a year higher!

The term “sexless”, was first used in Japan in the early 1990s, but now is instantly recognizable to the Japanese as a universally understood concept, and widely discussed in the media. There are books on the subject and thousands websites and heartbreaking blogs discussing sexless Japan, while letters on the subject fill agony columns on “dear doctor”-type sites.

Sexless JapanOne in five sexless couples say they view sex simply as a nuisance. A small number cite the lack of a private space, because children or elderly parents often sleep just the other side of a paper-thin door, leading many married couples to even sleep in separate rooms. Mitsui Home announced recently in an Asahi Newspaper article, that in 30% of the new houses they build, the couples are asking for 2 “master” bedrooms. This is a shocking statistic, which shows that sexless couples want to continue living their lives together – separately! “We are sort of room-mates rather than a married couple”, one 31-year-old man, who had not had sex with his wife for two years, told the Asahi Shinbun.

There are many other theories about why the Japanese become less inclined to raunchy evenings in the sack together, but likely it is a mixture of some of these:

  • Stress of work/life in Japan (maybe the taihen cloud?)
  • Lack of understanding, and usage of contraception, especially “the pill” (who wants to use condoms with their wife!?), making sex with your wife viable only when you want to have a baby
  • Abundance of 不倫 (furin, or extra-marital) relationships
  • More and more Japanese women choosing career over family
  • A tendency among Japanese married couples to feel an aversion to sex with their spouse, not because they dislike one another, but rather because they feel that they have more of a sister-brother relationship; the sanctity of which would be destroyed with a repulsive incest-like feeling, by what westerners would consider normal conjugal relations

The last point is an interesting one, as in the past, it has been traditionally Japanese women who complained that they couldn’t see their hubby “as a member of the opposite sex.” But in the last few years, there’s been an exponential increase in men who can’t view their wives as sexual partners either. While it is true that many Japanese married couples seem to be sexless in nature, they key thing to remember is that this certainly does not mean that they lack the desire for sexual fulfillment. While marriage and children may bring on a sex drought in the home, Japanese people who want (and in the case of most men, need) sex do not simply abstain from sex because they cannot see the feminine qualities in their own wife, or the sexual attraction of their hard working husband.

Japanese housewife seeking sexJapanese men love their companies; they live for work, and many don’t even think it is a problem if they don’t have sex with their wives. They have pornography and the sex industry (soap lands, cabaret bars, and dial-a-girl services, and trips to Taiwan) to take care of their needs, but their wives have nowhere to go. They just suffer in silence.. or do they? The divorce rate in Japan has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, with more women blaming their sexually inactive, as opposed to sexually errant, husbands for break-ups. Though they may not be seeking sexual pleasure from their better halves, married Japanese women are seeking intimacy from other sources (many even claim to have a sex addiction), leading double lives – being the good mother, while at the same time seeking out “Leroy” the lover, who is always lurking, and ready to fulfill her every desire.

Sex Friend search sites are used by women in Japan widelyJapan is full of temptation, and it doesn’t matter whether you are a housewife or salary-man, there is plenty of raunchy action waiting out there – if that is what you desire. Furin sites to find a (extra marital) “sex friend” partner are just as rampant in Japan as in other countries, however they are much more widely used by women in Japan to solve their sexless quandaries. For the more conservative ladies, sites like mixi.jp – which are neutrally classed as “social networking” spaces – are abound with profiles (men and women) looking for partners to secretly spruce up their sexless, but otherwise happily married lives.

Many Japanese marriages may be sexless, but this is only a statistic about the state of sex within marriage itself. In fact, there may be a good reason for the sexless condition of marriages here – Are the Japanese getting enough of the good stuff outside their marriages to keep them happy? I certainly think so.

Japanese people will never be sexless as individuals; therefore Japan is not sexless, so don’t let mere statistics confuse the situation!

(If you are married in Japan, or married to a Japanese, let us know what you think of “Sexless Japan” by leaving a comment below!)

1,218 thoughts on “Sexless Japan – Really?”

  1. This may be really bad and I may be admonished over it and perhaps rightfully so, however…

    Children are to Japanese women like the expensive jewelry that they cannot afford by themselves and their non-Japanese husbands are the unwitting lifetime providers of installment payments on their upkeep, both theirs and their mothers.

    It is questionable whether or not Japanese women(couples) have children for the same reasons as the rest of the world.

  2. “It is questionable whether or not Japanese women(couples) have children for the same reasons as the rest of the world.”

    In my opinion, they mainly have kids, because society requires them to have. If you don’t have, you stick out. In Confucianism, not having kids is considered as a bad luck (maybe the worst of all) because it breaks the blood chain and considering the great importance of ancestor worship in Japan, that could be well a reason.

    “Japanese people do not have the same outlook on sex as non-Japanese people.”
    I’m still wondering every time why so many J-girls are so easily available at the beginning, and I’m not mainly talking/thinking about Roppongi garusu…

    As my last post here lies a while back, I feel free to give a short update on my situation.
    Still married, with a slight but constant improvement, but to be honest it is just slight and by far not enough.
    I think things go the right way, but just by far to slow for my taste. So, I’m wondering how long it may take…

    Meanwhile, I’m now living an open relashionship which is not too bad at all.
    To be honest, I’ve never talked about it with her tho. I’m just doing it…

  3. I just checked the files which mitaboy10 posted.

    The data speaks a very clear language:
    I just want to state out some:

    Experienced painful sex: Japan on the top
    Perceptions of excitement in sex life: Japan by far last
    Frequency of sex: Japan by far last
    General satisfaction: Japan by far last

    Interesting the comparism with China: Frequency an Perception is much more positive even if frequency of orgasm is lower in China than Japan.
    Just having ended the encounters with my Chinese gf: That was maybe an error.

    Wish I would have had those data before I married my Japanese wife. But to be honest, I would have never imagined that something like that could be true.
    Even though I was well aware of my deficits in bed performance before I started the relashionship with my wife, it was almost impossible to talk about that with her (due to her).

    But after all it’s still surprising how sudden it all changed to the worse after the wedding rings have been exchanged

  4. Don’t know why Japanese have kids but do know why I have one now: I fucked my fertile Japanese girlfriend one too many times while on an extended holiday in Australia.

    I am not in Japan currently but heard that my Japanese sister-in-law on the birth of her second child this summer was looking down and talking badly about her cousin who is still unmarried and of course childless while my sister-in-law now has 2 kids and a husband with a good job and clearly felt she was the superior one … good god, what a society ….

  5. Tips for anyone who insists on dating a J girl.

    1)Don’t be needy. As much as they will try to serve you, do things for yourself.
    2)Don’t speak in Japanese. Even though you might want to impress her with your talent and might even be fluent speak in English. The reason they are with you [a foreigner] in the first place is that you are NOT Japanese.
    3)Water is your friend. The Japanese love bathing, water is an essential part of their life. Want to see if you can have sex with a girl? If you can take a bath together, your in….
    4)Eat her food. Hopefully she can cook, if so dig in…eating their cooking until you are about to pop is a big time plus.
    5)Don’t have sex everyday, don’t even try. See tip 1 needy, its a turn off.
    6)Have a life. As much as they might try to tie you down, make yourself unavailable as much as possible.
    7)Be prepared for insanity. Sooner or later she is going to throw you a curve ball, something totally insane, this is merely an attempt to see how easy you are to control. The more you respond the more control she has…
    8)Never ever, under any circumstances get her pregnant. Game over you loose.

    YMMV

  6. @ leanBack
    “Even though I was well aware of my deficits in bed performance [before] I started the relashionship…” [] my emphasis

    You are more honest than most guys. A couple questions, stepping out on a limb, totally not my business as you aren’t my client, but(and feel free to tell me to, “Buzz off!”, I’ll not be offended);

    How were you made aware of your deficits in bed?

    What did you do to reduce the deficits before your relationship?

  7. As a “professional” I shouldn’t say this, it’s counter to the whatever moral standard you wish to choose, it’s really bad, and I may be admonished over it and perhaps rightfully so, however…
    Didn’t I say this earlier…

    @ Coconut
    “Tips for anyone who insists on dating a J girl.”

    Rule 1. Don’t date “a”, date “some”

    LOL

    All kidding aside, it can be done, OPENLY, depending on how the foundation for the relationship is laid.

  8. How were you made aware of your deficits in bed?
    Well, I had two long-term gfs (Europeans) before my Japanese wife and the main point was that they complained that I can’t hold it back long enough (5 to 10 min is maximum).

    What did you do to reduce the deficits before your relationship?
    Actually not so much, I just learned other techniques to make them happy without focussing too much on intercourse.

    btw. it took my Japanese wife over six years (as I got familiar with Japanese culture) until she finally was able to tell me how and what in particular she likes…

  9. @ leanBack does, “make them happy” mean?

    a. they had orgasms, and you know that they did(if so how do you know other than moans groans ooohhhs and aaahhhs)

    b. they told you they had orgasms

    c. they said or implied that they were happy and they “allowed” you to penetrate them with your penis

  10. Have asked multiple J-lovers what they liked during sex, often during the act, and most of them replied “wakarannai.” Why do they do that? They weren’t virgins.

  11. @kayumochi

    At first I thought J-women were just shy and introverted…hence the wakarannai. But over time I have come to realize that they really don’t know. J-women are raised to be naive and express shyness. Its a feminine trait which expresses youth ie ‘like a virgin’. You will see it 99% of the time in J-Porn, the innocent “I’m a 12 year old girl being taken advantage of” type of response to sex. Its engrained in them.

    Next time, take wakaranni as “I dont know so do anything you want”. In fact that could be what they really want to say. It may be kind of hard for a female that normal comes across and shy and pure to say “I like anal”. Its best to try every door without asking, if no entry is permitted they will not open so you don’t need to ask….just move on to the next door.

    @Ieanback

    “make them happy” = a moving target. Its not carved in stone so what makes them happy today may not tomorrow.

    Women generally like/need more variety than men. Men are creatures of habit and are content with the same thing more than women. Women are creatures driven by their emotions. Picture those emotions as bits in a soup, they need to stir the pot every once in awhile to keep the emotions floating around otherwise they get board. This is one reason why women crave drama. In some way they must have drama in their lives [watching on TV, reading in a book, in their own lives, listening to drama from friends lives etc] this stirs the pot of emotions that sustain them.

  12. @mitaboy10
    It’s a.
    When I was 20, I had the luck of sitting next to a 29 year old Hungarian woman in the class and after a while of being drinking friends, she introduced me to some woman secrets. Even though its usefulness is somehow limited for Japanese, it was some kind of helpful as otherwise; I would have been quite clueless all the time.
    I have to agree with kayumochi, I almost never got any useful feedback from Japanese regarding what/how they would like being touched.
    Responses like “wakarannai.” or the even more awkward “nan de mo ii” pretty suck, or “if you are happy then I am happy too” or “do what you like”.

    @coconut
    “make them happy” = a moving target. It’s not carved in stone so what makes them happy today may not tomorrow.
    Absolutely agree with that! The target is moving all the time.
    After 6 years of being together my wife starts reluctantly of telling me what and how she likes, but of course every time it’s a little bit different (no wonder), but still, sometimes she gets pissed off and then she lets me know that I don’t do it right, and asks me “why don’t you remember?”, but there is nothing to remember, because that specific time, what she wants is different.

    At some point, I’d really consider to get any counseling. If mitaboy10 does not mind, could you plz let me know the address of your homepage? I have the impression it would be very useful!

  13. Rellz is right, go read the Married Man Sex Life blog RIGHT NOW! It addresses all of this stuff; it’s universal, not just Japanese. Athol Kay’s writing is the best I’ve ever seen on the subject of what creates and sustains female attraction. Just do it.

  14. @gagendra

    Although I don’t agree with every comment of these three, id say you might wanna go through and highlight posts from Heinrich and coconut and Mitaboy.

    You may be at the stage at your life where you feel like getting married , settling down and having kids is the next noble north pole to race to. In fact this may be a wonderful experience for you.

    I’d like to gently warn you again. Your girlfriend who does everything you can possibly want now, will switch off to you and onto your kids (future). Shell find logical reasons to ‘cool off’ and you will get angry and feel rejected and take your time finding the best solution for you. Plenty of people posting here can attest to that.

    Do yourself a favor now

    Ask her
    How do you feel about not marrying
    How do you feel about having an open relationship
    How do you feel about not having children
    Why do you want marriage
    How feel you feel about living in another country and not returning to J
    How do you feel about divorce
    How do you feel about my friends coming over and staying some times
    How do you feel about working after having children
    How do you feel about religion
    How do you feel about men’s / fathers roles in children’s upbringing
    How do you feel if you work and I stay at home

    Tip of the iceberg stuff here.

    What I’m trying to do is to expose you to icky questions which , a)if you marry b) if you have kids are all or some likely to pop up later as issues in your relationship.

    Check your girl out. Is she up to the task of talking through these issues before you GODDAMN TIE YOURSELF MENTALLY SPIRITUALLY AND PHYSICALLY TO HER FOREVER

    Because you’re gonna feel like the asshole later for wanting to leave if she’s not up to the task of talking through these issues now, if she’s not up to the task of supporting your emotional roller coaster as she changes and you’re left without a safety net. Especially if you choose to live in Japan

    Two of the aforementioned guys say
    Don’t marry
    Don’t have kids

    Kinda extreme but these opinions are in a way killing the monster while it’s an infant. Do you really want kids. If you’re not sure don’t do it yet. Especially if it’s just a KEEPING UP WITH MY HORMONES action.

    Evaluate yourself. Think about your plans for the next twenty years. Decide now that your wife won’t develop so much mentally after she marries. Can you now devote yourself to that same teenager forever?

  15. I’ve never been married or had kids, so I’m wondering how much of what you’re saying applies really to marriage in general. Perhaps it’s amplified by the nature of the culture of J women, but even still, these same problems are part of the package of marriage overall. It’s scary to think that our hormones drive us into a predicament that the logical side of our brains knows is stacked against us right from the start. If you don’t settle down, you run the risk of feeling lonely and miserable and if you get married / have kids you run the risk of feeling trapped and miserable. I wonder what the solution is…

  16. I’m American (White) and I’ve been married to a Japanese man for about 3 years. We are going to start trying for kids in March 2013 and we’re really excited. We have sex about 4-5 times per week and it’s great, he’s very good in bed and always makes sure I’m happy. To be honest with you, he’s much less selfish than the White American boys I was with before him and he helps me so much at home. I’ve made quite the upgrade! The quality and quantity of sex hasn’t tapered off at all, honestly. He’s also one of the horniest men I’ve ever met (in the beginning, he was so forward that he almost had me running out the door!). But I don’t mind, I think I’m the same way so we’re a good match.

    I’ve spoken with Japanese women and according to them, Japanese men who marry non-Japanese women, particularly Western women, are usually more social, outgoing and they treat their woman better, compared to the men who marry Japanese women. There is some real bitterness, there. I think White privilege might be a factor in this. They have told me on numerous occasions that I’m very lucky. I’ve also spoken with other White American women who are married to Japanese, Chinese and S. Korean men and they’ve all agreed that they are treated much better, compared to their past experiences with American men. East Asian men make really great husbands and I’ve been setting up my single American girl friends left and right.

    Reading these comments and the original article certainly makes me feel sad for so many of you, I wish I knew how to help. I don’t really have any advice to give, other than general things that most wives like, which would be 1) please her in bed and don’t be selfish and 2) help out around the house and with the kids, so she doesn’t feel exhausted and overwhelmed. If you’re already doing those things and it’s still not working, you should try to talk to her. As we all know, Japanese people hate this confrontational stuff, so you might have to push it out of her. Be warned that you might also not like the answer, though. I’ve met quite a few Japanese women who just really don’t like sex, regardless of the situation, the partner and his skills. And I don’t think they ever will. It’s been ingrained into them.

  17. Hey Anon,

    I speak for all of us when I say we wish you all the very best in married life with your gentleman.

    This forum is not to “bash” anyone, but rather to express our experiences.

    If 90% of people wearing a red shirt walk up and punch you in the face, you tend to be wary of people in red shirts.

    Thank you for your advice, however, most of us have made considerable efforts to improve our marriages, often with no return for our efforts.

    I said it yourself, “I’ve met quite a few Japanese women who just really don’t like sex, regardless of the situation, the partner and his skills.”

    Japanese women do not want sex, but they do want a gaijin husband on their arm to show off to their girlfriends.

    My advice to all men reading this (and I’ve said it many times here), “Dating a Japanese woman is fine. NEVER marry a Japanese woman. Ever.”

  18. Okay, I was quiet for a long time, but…….I just had to write.

    Thank you Miss Anon for your intro and thoughts, they were interesting. We are happy for you but at the same time……please write back to us AFTER you have had children. And please don’t write things that really put down “white men” Some men here might be the “losers” that you seem to refer to, but a lot of “white” men here in this “forum” are probably truly good fathers and husbands. To write them all off or insinuate that they are inferior in any way is a pity.

    Like many posters have stated, the game changes a) after marriage and b) after kids. Life before kids for many couples, is like a honeymoon. Its the years after that …that either make or break a couple. Try dealing with a horny husband when pregnant and or right after birth – issues that you will soon find out about.

    The only time I was actually GLAD about a sexless marriage was when I was puttered out from giving birth and the year afterwards, child-raising. No time or energy to even consider sex! Not to mention the boobs and body really get a big hit from childbirth……. whoaaaa……… huge boobs that shrink after breastfeeding, belly with stretchmarks and flabby skin for about half a year, depending on your age and genetics and physical condition. If I had a sex-hungry husband, I probably would have worried where he was getting “relief” from.

    I have met plenty of selfish Japanese men and husbands. My Japanese friends can attest that their husbands are really not helpful …nor are they considerate. My Japanese husband IS helpful and considerate, so I am lucky but……..I don’t think your generalization holds. Overly helpful helicopter mothers produce men who are incapable of doing much around the house. A vicious cycle of “thinking helping their sons” only produces “incapable men.”

    While I agree that many “white american boys” are selfish jerks, I know many who are not. I have met plenty of Japanese men married to “white” or “western” women who are NOT outgoing, not so helpful, and not social. If anything, some of my Caucasian friends married to Japanese men seem married to quite the anti-social types. So…..again, people, regardless of nationality…vary. I think Western women just put up with less shit. I know I don’t “gaman” – I let my husband know my expectations, unlike many Japanese women. My standards are high and I convey them, but thankfully my husband is cooperative and willing to change. (well except for the sex thing, which is why I am here) So perhaps the men who are willing to marry such “western women” ….have to be a bit different from your “average Japanese man”

    East Asian men might be nice…but there are many sticky points. Lack of showing physical or emotional affection (not all Japanese/Asian men, but a lot)….. or…work ethic (work too hard and OT all the time), and expectations of child-raising (woman), housework (usually women here in Japan but in China some men are good at it and cooking, I have heard)…. A woman I know married a Chinese man, married “down” so to speak – life is not always rosy. His family does not keep a very hygienic home, they are very stingy, talk very loudly in public here in Japan, embarrassing her a great deal. Generalizations, maybe…but issues one should definitely consider before marriage.

    A foreign man I know suffering from sexless life w/a Japanese wife IS doing his all. He cooks, cleans, takes care of their child, makes good money, is pretty romantic, very generous……but recently no action after the birth of their child. He is one of the least selfish people I know, very giving. But really, the “talking to her” thing does not work, is not working. I think he is on the brink of having an affair but………well…..that is not my business.

    For all I know, the sexless and sex starved party is the one that suffers. Any talk about the sexless situation only aggravates things and makes sex more scarce! The cultural difference is huge. Acceptance is one of the only ways to make peace. That and avoidance – hear that ya’ll? (meaning, don’t marry unless you are willing to accept the prospect of a sexless marriage)

    A nice Caucasian man I know married my friend, a Japanese woman…and is recently starting to openly show resentment. I know the woman and she has told me she is not at all interested in sex. I don’t know how long the relationship can keep going like this. They have a child and I think for the sake of the child, he is hanging in there.

    Always interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts. If anyone has a miracle solution for a sexless marriage in Japan, that would be great. And until that day…. cheers!

  19. @ DD Thanks!

    I’m trying an experiment. I have requested that my recent romantic interest who happens to be Japanese to read this site and the links that I posted earlier, I ‘ll repost them here:

    GLOBAL SEX SURVEY to SEXUAL WELLBEING GLOBAL SURVEY
    Frequency of Sex Pages
    http://www.durex.com/en-sg/sexualwellbeingsurvey/documents/swgspptv2.pdf

    “A Global Survey of Sexual Behaviours”
    http://journals.tums.ac.ir/upload_files/pdf/_/14836.pdf

    My previous romantic interest was Chinese, she was shocked at the data! LOL

    For those of you who are in Tokyo, might be interesting to meet and have coffee or drinks.

    Blue if anyone wants my email address please give it to them.

  20. Would be interesting to know whether or not men other than “white men” have problems with sexlessness with Japanese women?

    @Lily “He is one of the least selfish people I know, very giving.” Would this also apply sexually? A question that might be difficult to answer.

    One of my aunts who had seven children was thought of as being very sexual. She said of her husband, “He was nothing more than a sperm donor.”

  21. On the Keihin Tohoku line from Yurakucho Station headed toward Shibuya, I had to grin as I saw a very average America Midwest looking man dressed in a light blue plaid shirt, a dark round necked undershirt and blue pants. All he needed was some cowboy boots! LOL

    He was stroking the back of a casually, well dressed, average looking Japanese woman. I almost broke out in loud laughter. An American woman probably wouldn’t have even given him the time of day. But there he was, just a grinnin’, he looked like he was in hog-heaven. The puppy dog look on HIS face said it all. She seemed to be just tolerating his touch with her arms folded.

    I can see him, joining the ranks of the foreign men that I see here in Tokyo who’ve gotten married, and have children. They all have gaunt faces and a tired, beaten look about them. The sad, nearly soulless, sexless, well worn ATM machines that they have become…

    The writing was on the wall before them, yet they didn’t take heed.

  22. if councling and romantic outings dont work get a devorce
    you can find a better partner out there, no need to suffer.

  23. After being out of Japan a few years I returned with my wife and everyone told me how much younger I looked. Had I stayed I’d probably look like one of those tired, gaunt, beaten men Mitaboy writes about. Japan is not a healthy place for the foreign man.

  24. @Kayumochi

    Not a healthy place indeed! I just recovered from bowel cancer at the age of 47.

    That`s after 17 years of life here in Japan and 22 years married to Japanese women.

    My situation remains unchanged since 2009, except for the new girlfriend.

    Hope you`re well Kayumochi.

  25. @anru

    Sorry to hear you have been sick and am relieved you have recovered. Were you treated in Japan? Was your wife supportive?

  26. @Kayumochi

    I was treated here in Japan – lucky really considering I would have had to go under the knife in the UK otherwise. It probably wouldn`t have been detected there anyway 🙁

    I was told by my wife that sex would be impossible for a while due to my recovery. That made me laugh as we hadn`t done anything for ages anyway. I guess she has found a real reason at last to get out of doing the deed.

  27. Men often speak of “doing the deed”.

    This concept seems to exist because many(most?) men perceive that the women themselves feel they are performing ‘a necessary evil’ to maintain a relationship/marriage. While the data indicates that most Japanese women don’t look forward to sex, I have never had a sense from any of the Japanese women to whom I have given sexual pleasure that they were “performing a deed” for me.

  28. Well Mitaboy, aren’t you the stud. After you marry and have 2 children with one of the “Japanese women to whom you have given sexual pleasure”, believe me it’s a deed.

    As others have pointed out, I don’t believe this is specific to Japanese women. Males and females are wired differently.

    I completely empathize with Anru. Logically you’d think having cancer would trigger more sex (for various reasons but all I can say is thank the Almighty that you’re in recovery). It’s sad that she’d exploit your illness in this way, but it doesn’t surprise me at all.

  29. Never mentioned it before but back in 2005 I was diagnosed with a disease I won’t name but will simply describe as indolent yet chronic. In other words, I don’t have any symptoms yet it could kill me one day.  For some years in our marriage ( which is going much, much better by the way now that I don’t put up with her petulance any more) my wife doesn’t even mention my illness. Ever. Is she afraid? I think she might be. Once in a fit of anger she said it was my problem, not hers, and she didn’t want to be bothered by it. Her mother will ask how my heath is in phone calls to the States and my wife will reply something along the lines of, “だいじょうぶじゃない?”

    What do you make of this? Does you wife Arnu show any real concern over your health? Do you think she is scared?

  30. @ Dude

    Giving pleasure has nothing to do with being a stud.

    The stud mindset and mine are quite different. MOST men look at women from the perspective of, “I want to have sex with her”, “I want to &%^K her!” or “I want HER to &%^K me”. So for women and perhaps particularly for Japanese women it seems that it is a “deed to be done”. If there is doubt, look at the links that I have posted above in comment 1073. I don’t have the, “I’m a stud” perspective at all. My goal is to give a woman sexual pleasure. Sex is not about me from the onset.

    Yes, males and females ARE wired differently, but our behavior can be changed. There is enough evidence of that.

    I was married in America, had two children, and sex was NEVER an issue. One the day that I decided that a divorce was best for all of us, she asked, “But, can we still have sex…” We are still friends, she has contacted me several times in Japan and I helped her out when she was in a financial bind.

    Find this video, Cunnilingus & Fellatio by Pierre Roshan (available on Amazon), and my perspective and that of most women will be understood more easily. Do not let the title mislead you. Study the percentages of activities and atmosphere.

  31. The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language 5th Edition

    Stud: a usually young man who is very sexually active or promiscuous.

    There is no mention of giving women pleasure. It’s considerably less difficult to get a woman into bed than to give her satisfaction. Sexually activity and promiscuity do not mean that the woman has received pleasure. Perhaps the women on this thread may attest to that.

    The “stud” and I have totally different mindsets.

  32. I think that the most difficult thing in the world is to give a Japanese married women with children an exiting time of love making. I have tried everything in the book to see it happen. I pretty much failed each time with my wife. Maybe the effort was not wasted totally because it is possible that my frigid wife and my efforts to make her enjoy sex in the end trained me on how to make love to a woman. The couple of girlfriends that I have on the side have expressed that I am good in bed. With my wife I am used making love to basically a non moving starfish. Man is it easy to please a normal women. They actually move and respond.

    Maybe we should just look at the bright side of being married to a frigid Japanese Woman. It build up sexual expertise.

  33. @ Timmy

    Maybe she was “mentally exiting” the time of lovemaking…

    “Trained me on how to make love to a woman.” The proverbial silver-lining? LOL Good for you! Utilizing the environment to your advantage.

  34. @theconceptofpleasuringanyone

    Got to say I’ve been thinking over the debate of pleasuring yourself or someone for a long time now. (approx 2 hrs total) hehe. Ok not so long admittedly.

    I’ve come to realize that the idea of having to please yourself let alone pleasure someone else kind of ‘sits wrong ” or feels like ” working too hard” or “missing the point”

    If you have to think about pleasuring someone, it actually becomes harder to do so.

    I’m not saying this to any one person, as I think all efforts in the direction of finding pleasure and happiness have undoubtable value.

    I have found that in not bothering to please anyone, and rather focussing on the total sensual joy of being within this thing called a body, and in sharing this revelation of self-physical-spiritual?-awareness with a woman, that she is able (if she wasn’t already there herself) to meet me in a between world of bliss.

    My girlfriends who have helped me discover this happiness within myself, -whom I graciously thank for doing so- are currently complaining a bit, as I have taken time away from them to experiment employing this feeling with my wife.

    It’s possible that my initial neediness with my wife gave her an un-real concept of power over me. It’s probably even a turn off for women, like having a man who acts and sound like a child. But instead of wanting toys, he wants physical reminders that he’s loved.

    Wow. The old picture of me. Quite cathartic letting it go. I thank you all. Now I think if I had the choice of being that man or being a eunic I’d choose that latter.

  35. @marriageasaninstitution
    I don’t think it’s gonna be so bad if the institution goes by the wayside. It’s a way of further taxing people. The only reason power groups would want to dissolve the concept of marriage is that they can tax divorced parties more for divorcing. Divorced men are more likely to move to another woman than not, some women have an inner need to be mothers. So at times it’s beneficial for countries to have the men -who are generally accepted to be outnumbered by women- producing more children. It benefits society in the long-run to have more children.

    @luminati. You don’t need to care about that kind of stuff if you live consciously. Be aware of your emotions and where they come from. Be aware of what social-political stuff you accept. Moreover question it lots.

    Let people think that if they huddle in groups and make rules that they are strong. Returning to the point that kind of stuff CAN effect your relationship if you let it. So? Don’t let it.

  36. @Timmy

    Based on my experience I get the impression that ‘enjoying sex’ is actually Taboo in Japan. It seems like the Japanese view “open” expression of sexual enjoyment as a weakness. If you do so then you are seen as a hentai type of person. Wives don’t want to be viewed as a Hentai by their husbands and certainly don’t want to show any signs of weakness towards anything.

    On the other hand. Girlfriends may show enjoyment with sex especially those women who cheat on their husbands. For the person who has an affair, outside sex is the opportunity to open all gates to every perversion. A wife who is frigged at home will do things her husband could never imagine with her lover. A female who has a one night stand [which there are many of] will do things that she will never do with her boyfriend.

    In Japan its all about how you are perceived by others. They guard this perception with every waking breath. From the deep bowing in public, and over the top public politeness. Funny thing is other Asians see right through this, where as native Americans who meet Japanese are enamoured by their politeness.

    I know all my wife’s little secrets. The ones that even her closest friends don’t know. In fact I know things about her that she doesn’t even realize. She won’t show her desires buy I know she has them.

  37. Coconut

    I know that when I lived in Japan in the early eighties black men were treated much differently in Japan than white men. Do you find this to still be the case? Do you feel Japanese women are attracted to black men in the same way they have an attraction to white men, or is it maybe just a certain woman in Japan that would go out with a black man?

    It is kind of strange in a way that before I started dating a black woman I really did not see the beauty in black women. Now I find them to be very attractive in a way I never saw before. I also find the cultural difference between black woman and white or Asian women to be quite large. It is interesting and at this time fun for sure. However: it so different I am sure it would become a problem if I lived with this young fun black woman.

  38. Examine any of the dating sites or paper-based classifieds that are not oriented towards black men. And, there aren’t a lot of dating classifieds for Japanese women looking for Black men. In the usual classifieds, most Japanese women state that they are looking for single white men. A male counselor at Destina, a well known marriage agency told him that while he was stylishly dressed and obviously educated, very few, if any of the Japanese women in their agency would be interested in a Black man. Though this revelation shocked me, it wasn’t surprising to him. “Look around Tokyo,” he said, “you’ll see that the Japanese culture is oriented favorably towards Caucasian men.”

    http://www.1001kisses.com/japanese-women-and-african-american-men-part-ii/#more-4179

  39. J-women DO find black men sexy but often have the belief they wouldn’t want to have a relationship with one (or so I have been told).

  40. “have the belief they wouldn’t want to have a relationship with one” would be interesting to know why not

  41. A black American woman living in Japan told this to me once: a Japanese man can have a girlfriend on the side and keep himself under control and neither lose his wife nor his children. A white man can as well but isn’t as good at it as the Japanese man. The black American male will lose all control however and throw his family away for the girlfriend. She was serious. Have heard J-women say that they like the sex they get from a black male but they don’t make good boyfriends or husbands.

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