With maid cafes where pretty young girls that ooze submissiveness to their “masters”, and “shuccho health” (出張ヘルス, basically, dial-a-prostitute) and soap-lands (sensual bathing houses with soapy special service) to vending machines for porn, and specialty shops with used high school girl underwear; Japan, at least on the surface appears one of the most sexually proactive nations in the world. Japanese men are as perverted (if not more perverted) than those in other countries, and as for the ladies, on top of being naturally feminine (with petite sexy bodies, skin that doesn’t seem to change complexion from childhood, pretty faces and silky black hair), the women of Japan have no misconceptions about what style – clothes, perfume and make up – makes a man stop in his tracks, and rouse that tingle in his loins.
When interacting with others, sex and everything surrounding it is fair game for a topic of conversation in Japan and, it is certainly not frowned upon by religious groups or society at large as it is in the USA and other countries. When it comes to secreting sexual hormones and sexuality in general, almost nothing is taboo in Japan – until that is, the day one gets married, or so it seems. Indeed in stark sexual contrast, Japan may be suffering from a sexual drought, where being totally open about sex and being sexy in general, doesn’t seem to be converted into the ins-and-outs of baby making when it comes to married couples.
Shown in these statistics, a recent survey by Japan’s health ministry found that as many as one-third of all marriages in Japan are sexless. The problem is now so widespread that the government fears it is a major contributor to the dramatic plunge in Japan’s birthrate (now only 1.28 births per woman). This sexless phenomenon is not only found in those relationships that are plunging down the drain toward divorce, but to the contrary, more and more couples that consider themselves healthily married (and have no intention of separating), have not had sex with each other in the last month or more (the common definition of “sexless” in Japan), with many saying that they have not had sex together in the last 6 months to one year.
According to the most recent survey of 41 nations last October, the average Japanese has intercourse 45 (and according to Bayer Pharmaceuticals as low as 17) times a year, compared with the global average of 103. Japan is repeatedly at the bottom of the list. Last year it trailed Singapore, which was 28 shags a year higher!
The term “sexless”, was first used in Japan in the early 1990s, but now is instantly recognizable to the Japanese as a universally understood concept, and widely discussed in the media. There are books on the subject and thousands websites and heartbreaking blogs discussing sexless Japan, while letters on the subject fill agony columns on “dear doctor”-type sites.
One in five sexless couples say they view sex simply as a nuisance. A small number cite the lack of a private space, because children or elderly parents often sleep just the other side of a paper-thin door, leading many married couples to even sleep in separate rooms. Mitsui Home announced recently in an Asahi Newspaper article, that in 30% of the new houses they build, the couples are asking for 2 “master” bedrooms. This is a shocking statistic, which shows that sexless couples want to continue living their lives together – separately! “We are sort of room-mates rather than a married couple”, one 31-year-old man, who had not had sex with his wife for two years, told the Asahi Shinbun.
There are many other theories about why the Japanese become less inclined to raunchy evenings in the sack together, but likely it is a mixture of some of these:
- Stress of work/life in Japan (maybe the taihen cloud?)
- Lack of understanding, and usage of contraception, especially “the pill” (who wants to use condoms with their wife!?), making sex with your wife viable only when you want to have a baby
- Abundance of 不倫 (furin, or extra-marital) relationships
- More and more Japanese women choosing career over family
- A tendency among Japanese married couples to feel an aversion to sex with their spouse, not because they dislike one another, but rather because they feel that they have more of a sister-brother relationship; the sanctity of which would be destroyed with a repulsive incest-like feeling, by what westerners would consider normal conjugal relations
The last point is an interesting one, as in the past, it has been traditionally Japanese women who complained that they couldn’t see their hubby “as a member of the opposite sex.” But in the last few years, there’s been an exponential increase in men who can’t view their wives as sexual partners either. While it is true that many Japanese married couples seem to be sexless in nature, they key thing to remember is that this certainly does not mean that they lack the desire for sexual fulfillment. While marriage and children may bring on a sex drought in the home, Japanese people who want (and in the case of most men, need) sex do not simply abstain from sex because they cannot see the feminine qualities in their own wife, or the sexual attraction of their hard working husband.
Japanese men love their companies; they live for work, and many don’t even think it is a problem if they don’t have sex with their wives. They have pornography and the sex industry (soap lands, cabaret bars, and dial-a-girl services, and trips to Taiwan) to take care of their needs, but their wives have nowhere to go. They just suffer in silence.. or do they? The divorce rate in Japan has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, with more women blaming their sexually inactive, as opposed to sexually errant, husbands for break-ups. Though they may not be seeking sexual pleasure from their better halves, married Japanese women are seeking intimacy from other sources (many even claim to have a sex addiction), leading double lives – being the good mother, while at the same time seeking out “Leroy” the lover, who is always lurking, and ready to fulfill her every desire.
Japan is full of temptation, and it doesn’t matter whether you are a housewife or salary-man, there is plenty of raunchy action waiting out there – if that is what you desire. Furin sites to find a (extra marital) “sex friend” partner are just as rampant in Japan as in other countries, however they are much more widely used by women in Japan to solve their sexless quandaries. For the more conservative ladies, sites like mixi.jp – which are neutrally classed as “social networking” spaces – are abound with profiles (men and women) looking for partners to secretly spruce up their sexless, but otherwise happily married lives.
Many Japanese marriages may be sexless, but this is only a statistic about the state of sex within marriage itself. In fact, there may be a good reason for the sexless condition of marriages here – Are the Japanese getting enough of the good stuff outside their marriages to keep them happy? I certainly think so.
Japanese people will never be sexless as individuals; therefore Japan is not sexless, so don’t let mere statistics confuse the situation!
(If you are married in Japan, or married to a Japanese, let us know what you think of “Sexless Japan” by leaving a comment below!)
Ginza is best for me over the next few days i will be kinda busy,but monday will be fine..do you know where Bic camera is in Ginza? and anytime is ok for me ..
yes. i work in front of bic camera how about 3:00pm. i can meet you at the main entrance. i’ll be wearing a suit. not being modest, i’ll be the best dressed gaijin there. almost like i stepped out of a magazine. very easy to pick out.
ok 3pm just outside Bic camera,and maybe you`ll be the 2nd best dressed Gaijin lol
are you American? British? I`m from Scotland..
ha hah ha
i’m american. great!!! don’t mind being second. so many gaijin dress so poorly.
08/20/07 @ 1500 monday
c yAA!
ok man..see you monday @3pm
Mitaboy, we would certainly like to hear more about what it is that you are looking into. I’m glad that you have arranged this meeting here, but not so sure others would like to know. I might set up a forum where we can all privately message each other soon.
In the mean time, if you both agree, I can send you each other’s email addresses?
great!! i agree, please give him my email address
Hello my friends. I saw this page on google and came to visit since I too am in romantic courtship of the Japanese woman. I don’t have problem with the sexual gratification of her. She loves the love I give to her all the time too. Maybe Czech are good lover like me and so the woman wants to have the big thing in her all the time.
Thank you
Mitaboy, Colin,
How was last week? Anything for this board and its avid readers?
steve88
the meeting didn’t come off with colin due to scheduling conflicts.
however, would be interested in meeting anyone that could make it to ginza, or shinagawa
Sorry Mita
This is my last entry in this site as I feel there is people here that do wish to discuss this matter in a serious way and recently there are just fools that use racist views about women ..This is supposed to be a place to talk about the above issue but as usual people come here and bring it down ..the internet has became a joke and that is due to people like 158 and 159…this is NOT the kind of views I appreciate ….just shows me how far society has fell….there is good people here and people that have sense,but for the most part some people have spoiled it and I dont want to be part of it..at first I just wanted to see if other people with Japanese wifes had that issue,but now it is between me and my wife,which has become a lot better with talking to her about it,as I was scared before to ask why there was some problems,which was my fault,as I should have spoke to her before..but now we are both happy..colin signing off…..
Comment from Blue: All the offending posts have now been removed. It is a shame that some people stop the discussion with racism. Don’t leave us Colin.
I’m sorry that those kinds people that scare off real persons who come to actually talk. I hope things work out for the best Colin, Good Luck!
I’m pretty happy for you Colin. It sounds like you had an issue with your wife and decided to talk to her about it. That’s often the hardest thing to do but it has got to be the best medicine. Even if your wife is of the same culture it is no easy task communicating accurately with her. I always try to communicate more rather than less to prevent problems but it is always a struggle. Good for you Colin.
I rarely delete comments. They have to be pretty bad (or plain moronic) to make me remove them, but the racist ones here were not tolerable.
This site should be active communication on Japanese related topics. Heated discussion and wildly different ideas – yes, plain boring racism – no.
To all, if I have personally offended anyone during my argument with the previous poster, it was not intentional. I get a little defensive over things like that sometimes. Sorry.
As a guy who almost married a Japanese girl many years ago, then married and divorced a Japanese-English Canadian, I have to laugh at some of these posts.
Post 19 could apply to just about any marriage to any woman.
If you want passion, sex and love, have a girlfriend.
If you want obligations, duty and tedium, well, ….get married.
After a long custody battle, I have my kids half the time, and pay a significant amount of child support, but I am free (living in America). Had I divorced in Japan, I would have my kids torn away from me in a heartbeat with absolutely no hope of ever seeing them again. Life would be worthless.
Times have changed – be selfish. That is something modern men seem to have difficulty doing. God only knows women have been conditioned to think for themselves, after 40 years of feminist indoctrination.
If you are living in wonderful Japan, have a few girlfriends and enjoy life. The only people concerned about shoshika are bureaucrats. Live life, enjoy your girlfriend, and take advantage of the pleasures life in Japan has to offer.
乾杯！
an interesting observation is that of the japanese women(all single and under 40 y.o.) with whom i’ve disussed this issue of sexual frequency among married couples all have said it is a case by case situation. perhaps using their married friends as a basis for their conclusion OR were they just imagining?
however all the japanese men have agreed with the general commentary voiced here.
it would be interesting to look at data that measures the sexual satisfaction of married japanese women.
I beg to differ about the cause of it all. Maybe it is not the wives’ fault. Maybe it is the man – or should I say, the society that he accepts working in. Have you ever heard the hours that those guys work? I worked for a couple of years in a Japanese company myself and I tell you, it certainly had a toll on my sex life. I didn’t get home until midnight and as soon as I did I was hitting the sack. No surprise that salarymen don’t get much action. If Japan is serious about increasing the birth rate then they need to do something about working hours. I’d love to see similar data for investment bankers and consultants in the US. It can’t be far off…
Richmond, You’ve hit the nail on the head. My Japanese husband could have even taught Mitaboy a thing or two before he became a salaryman. Now that he’s working 12 to 15 hours a day, 6 days a week–um…when are we supposed to get it on? Everytime I read articles about the declining birth rate, I just want to shake someone and say, “Duh!”
Yeah for sure..Japanese companies should be ashamed ,too much work and too many hrs a day..I`m suprised that anyone has a baby here…though I`m glad my Japanese wife comes back around 9pm,hey people ,it could be worse as some of you will know ..
Hi,
I am somewhat relieved by what I have read here because I realize I am not alone in my misery.
I have been married for 9 years to a Japanese and live in Tokyo. We have no kids because they don’t make themselves. I get a stale piece of bread about once every 3 – 6 months… For the past year or so my wife is really talking about how much she wants a kid…and has sex once, gets her period, and gets dissapointed only to wait another 3 months before wanting to try again.
I am so dissatisfied with my marriage that I am pretty much glad not to have more ties to my wife at this point. I just want to end my marriage and start over. I have brought up the topic in serious conversation lately but my wife just says something to the effect that marriage is permanent and there is no getting out. Any advice from those who have went through divorce?
Boku
My wife and I met in Tokyo and now live in California. We’ve had this discussion numerous times. Initially I was somewhat pushy and she got defensive. However after 14 years of great marriage and 2 kids we joke about this topic.
There’s no question that Japanese women need or desire sex less than Western women. I have no idea if it’s purely cultural or if there is some biological component. This is on average of course – I’m sure there are many horny Japanese wives too, but they probably can’t cook. Life is full of tradeoffs.
I’ve gotten used to it, or perhaps my testosterone levels have been tapering off. Now I focus on quality, not quantity. If your relationship is healthy then the sex will ebb and flow with your biorhythms. For me sometimes it’s once a week, other times once a month. I don’t really keep track of it or push the issue and she appreciates this attitude, so if I’m patient then eventually she’ll have the energy and inclination and the sex will be fantastic. Earlier I tried a different approach which focused on quantity and not quality. I’d politely ask if I could stick it in (to be crude), and most of the time she would accomodate me but obviously wasn’t into it. After a while I realized that if I self serviced in these situations then she would be more likely to initiate hot sex in the future.
This is an interesting thread. Everybody’s situation is different. I think the bottom line is if you have an otherwise solid marriage, then you don’t enjoy the infrequent sex but you eventually accept it. My advice to Boku above is don’t have a kid until you come to terms with this problem because if it’s only once every three months now, it will be once a year after the kid is born. On the other hand, maybe your wife is the type of Japanese woman who will tolerate her husband having his sexual needs met elsewhere, as long as he’s a responsible father and bringing home the bacon. (More likely the case if you live in Japan than in the US). I doubt that’s what you were looking for in a wife, but it could be an interesting option if she has other wonderful qualities that keep you in love with her. Good luck to everyone!
since it may be unlikely that i’ll meet any of you as i’m in central tokyo, i have a question.
does this issue cut across soci, academic, economic, ethnic lines?
do chinese, korean, spanish, african or african-american men experience these issues regarding sexlessness?
how does the background of the man and the japanese woman factor into this?
Well, the only people in Japan that are sexless are Black people.
Interesting….. so, SecretLurker…. How did you come upon that “intelligent” deduction…?
Secret Lurker,
I’m a black too. I get lots of it. But, I understand what you mean, in the sense that black men make *lurve* – we don’t just “have sex”.
I can only assume that you mean that you are sexless in this way, or that you are insecure brother. If that’s the case, we can’t help you, go home to where you came from, or keep jacking off alone.
i was hoping for more helpful commentary than ‘SecretLurker’s’ # 174, which on the surface seems it may be racist as it isn’t supported at all.
No, “lurve”. I am Black. Japanese people hate Black people. Everyone knows this is a fact.
>>the global average of 103
Good lord. Somewhere there’s someone with a huge grin raising the average at the opposite end of the scale from myself.
i like to feel the cool soft wind in my hair. But when i do the puggle wump churned at me and blasted a fruit filled Belch down my ear.
the succulent beast moaned and moaned as the Geisha girl stood up and it feasted on her every droplet.
i was transfixed. it groaned its flavour and at last the japan girl was throbbed no more.
mitaboy i want to bubble you. at will.
Hi guys! Read all this thread in digestible chunks of course! I’m married to wonderful Masami who’s been living in London for 4 years now leaving there age 30. 4 breaks with convention for her: marrying me, leaving Japan, being creative and of course no wish to return.
So, you may think, pretty well adapted to at least the fundamentals of western ways. Think again – she remains so bone crushingly aligned to home culture that I have marks on my hands where ive tried bending an iron rod of resistance. That said, I chose to marry her so I have no right to spew my liberal and alien ways onto her if they are not wanted.
Yet, shouldn’t one learn to adapt at least an inch or two towards your hosts culture?
This is where the sex comes in: The trajectory sounds yawningly familiar – rabbits before getting hitched, then slow burn to a trickle from there. But my gripe is her absolute blindness to ANY form of contraception other than rubber. Where do I start and do I really have a case here? I mean being married should bring certain privileges and compromises shouldn’t it? The bedroom is place these apply I think.
So I ask you guys – how does one put the case convincingly, with empathy for her point (just as a lever you understand) – in short, what’s the smartest way to get in the sack without having to sell my soul or visit Boots every week.
London, that sounds as though you two have got it the other why around. My memories of J-girls were that I always wanted to use the rubber and they never did.
As to your question, did she say why? (eg. is she afraid of an STD or something?)
this is reprinted here with permission:
[It’s almost laughable to hear foreign men talk about the sexual times they had with their Japanese spouse before marriage, and how now sex seldom occurs. These men are shocked and angry. Haven’t they realized that though many Japanese women appear sexy and attractive that they aren’t nearly as sexual as Western women? The statistics are everywhere; Japanese people don’t have sex as frequently as other cultures.
So what happened?
Japanese women are as smart as most women; they realize that one way to catch a man is through his penis. That means sex is bait! Japanese women don’t have the bait market cornered, no matter what culture sex has always been a tool to ‘hook’ a man. In many instances, the Japanese woman in fact hasn’t experienced the true pleasure of sex but just gave the foreign man what he wanted, no different than she would have done with a Japanese man. The difference between Japanese and Western women is that Western women may desire sex more frequently—again just look at the statistics.
However, with enough moans of excitement a man can be seduced into thinking he has found real love AND that he is a super lover. Amazing how unaware of the truth some men can be. For most men, the fact is that they aren’t fantastic lovers, so it’s easier for them to get hooked. If you are a man reading this, become a better lover and you won’t be caught by sex. A good lover truly focuses on the sexual and emotional needs of the woman. From the Japanese woman’s perspective, the foreign man is more polite and considerate than the ‘typical’ Japanese man because of his ‘ladies first’ attitude. So she is ‘willing’ to get married, even if the sex isn’t good—after which sex dwindles and the husband complains.
Now that she’s married why should she want sex? She has her husband, a gaijin man, her status symbol and the envy of many Japanese women. Sex wasn’t that good for her anyway. It was bait and it served it’s purpose. Amazing that foreign men don’t realize this fact. Now he’s trapped in a marriage and is angry because the sex has dried up. Wrongly, he faults her and tries to introduce sexual variety, basically what satisfies his fantasies and he hopes will satisfy her. The bottom line is that sex was (possibly)never that good for her in the first place and he didn’t really satisfy nor develop a sexual need in her. Combine this with the time constraints of kids and possibly a job. The woman is just too tired and not interested enough to have sex with him.]
To London – this is a generalization but I think Japanese women tend to be highly sensitive to pharmaceuticals. When we lived in Tokyo, my wife (who was my girlfriend at that time in the mid 90’s) agreed to see a gynocologist in Singapore to get birth control pills. It really messed up her monthly cycles and she became irritable and started gaining weight. She stopped taking them after about a year. Now we have been married 14 years with 2 kids, and in our mid 40’s we don’t need to worry about birth control but I still put on a rubber before ejaculating because she doesn’t like the feeling of leakage. I’m not sure if this is common, but it’s frustrating since judging from porn you’d think all Japanese women want their partner to come on their face.
some of what’s going to be said will seem mean spirited, it isn’t meant to be.
pornography is usually written by men for men(look at the credits). so, why would a man think that, “all Japanese women want their partner to come on their face.”? just because a woman “allows” an activity doesn’t mean she “enjoys” it. it’s porn, don’t think she enjoys it, she was most likely paid(most of it is acting). ask your girl if she enjoys it and watch what her body tells you, do not listen to her words. i haven’t met any women that wants or enjoys cum on her face!
empirical observation: judging by physical appearances and personality, many of the men who marry japanese women have had few sexual experiences in their native country. he comes to japan, “gets lucky” with a japanese girl, gets “pussy whipped”, gets married, then gripes about the lack of sexual intimacy after he realizes she isn’t as “interested”(to what degree was she really interested? read post 184 again) in sex as before.
for any japanese women reading this and thinking, “western men aren’t sexually mature!” you are 100% wrong! men are just men, all over the world(even in japan.
here are the facts. women want sex. men want sex. men and women want sex for different reasons.
please check your dictionary, different does not equal immature, just as different does not equal, “bad”. now, check your dictionary for mature. men are different, women are different, that is life, it is impossible for them to look at life, or mature in exactly the same way because they are different. maybe, we can understand each other better because we are creatures that think, but remember that we are different.
for western men married to japanese women:
a. be honest with your japanese spouse about your sexual desire.
b. for those married in “christian weddings” remember your marriage vows state, “for better or worse”. so this is the “worse” part, tell her about it. you may have to live with it. realize that most japanese people aren’t christians, the wedding is a show, entertainment, and has no moral value, this is true even for many christians.
c. seek counseling together. let her know your dissatisfaction and don’t expect her to change. from limited observations japanese women don’t change their sexual attitudes with their western husbands often. she might change with counseling, but do not expect it.
d. tell her that you will seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere.
e. get a divorce
for unmarried men reading this, do your homework before you marry a japanese woman. expect that your sex life will decline just as statistics indicate. expect it and don’t complain about it.
the better option is to talk about the expectations that every man and woman has of marriage – before you get married. then as two adults you can make a better decision. personally, i try to be focused on my lover’s sexual pleasure first, her pleasure before mine, but i tell her very straight and direct, “if we get married, i will divorce you if our sexual life changes.” if she decides to marry, she knows what my expectations are. be direct with your japanese lover before you get married.
for men and women do your homework before you marry.
japanese women and western men need to study each others culture before they marry. but men should study more and look at the sexual statistics about japan which are quite clear, just about everyone in the world has more sex than japanese. you may want to ask,”why”?
western man have more of responsibility to study the japanese culture because in many cases the Japanese woman living in japan won’t. Having consulted in japan for a while now, it’s fascinating that japanese people don’t ask, “why…?” often enough. perhaps the japanese still think, “it’s japan and the rest of the world. the rest of the world isn’t really that important, we are japanese!”
Mitaboy – I was just being facetious with the face comment. Sorry if that didn’t come across (pardon the puns). It was a lame attempt to make the point for “London” that it’s indeed interesting how pervasive condoms are in Japan. I think everyone reading this would be happy to come *inside* our lovely wives, not *on* our lovely wives.
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/08/20/health/main637523.shtml
I have been married to a Japanese woman for more than 2 years and have children. I do not have the problems you guys are describing but read your posts with a lot of interest.
My view on the marriage is very much echoing Dan’s post #38 here: http://www.gaijinpot.com/bb/showthread.php?t=3170
I think there are many wonderful aspects of a Japanese gf and wife so maybe the sex trouble described in this blog is a bit of a trade off.
Also worth noting, I would argue, Japanese actually have an old culture and a very clear value system. The western countries are confused. This statement is not intended as a big generalization (I know it sounds…) but if you swallow that point it may help to see why it is difficult to appreciate differences is your wife.
Dan’s post fragments
[…You are all approaching this from a Western POV. Isn’t it perhaps possible that the women are receptive to their own culture and influenced by the 99% of the people who surround them and enforce typical Japanese views. If you wanted a Western wife, it would probably have been better to stay in …
…Its a really incredible thing to marry someone from a culture as different as Japan, and I think you must all be very strong to have overcome all the cultural barriers and family problems that are almost certainly endemic… ]
Good luck to all of us.
“Japanese men are as perverted (if not more perverted) than those in other countries”
Yep that’s pretty much true! I’m an aussie woman married to a Japanese guy and i can say he’s pretty much thinking sex 24/7. He’s pretty much ready to go when i say the word so for us, our sex life is not a problem.
I would say our marriage is next to perfect as we never fight and we always express our love to each other, he even says “i love you” every day which most japanese guys never say once in their lives!
I would never consider cheating on him, he’s the only one for me. I also would never consider him cheating on me, to the point where i told him if he did i would do a lorena bobbitt!! And he knows i’m serious about it. I do trust him. He watches his porn videos and that’s about it. I’m against porn really but i figure it’s his culture, and it’s better than him doing something on the sly.
As for the guy who said “When my wife rolls over and says she’s not in the mood for the third week in a row, what else do these girls expect us to do?” you are really cruisin’ for a bruisin mate!!
Have a little bit of compassion, it’s not all about you!!
I’m 35 and my wife 42. We have 2 kids – 6 and 4 and generally lead a good life. But it’s the same story as many of you have already described. We had great sex before marriage but slowly after the first child it diminished. She has never refused but she just doesn’t take any initiative and seems non fused about the whole thing. It makes me feel like I’m doing all the work, showing all the affection and generally I feel unloved. Yep we’ve done the toys and what not but it’s still the same.
I’ve told her that I’m not happy with our sex life and we’ve had talks about it. From what I can gather it seems it’s because of the kids and the stress of life that she doesn’t feel sexy. This is not just a Japanese thing; I think all women get this, no matter what country. Where a man can virtually ‘drop n go’, a women needs the emotional side along with it. If she’s not feeling right it just won’t happen. Women aren’t like us. They need an emotional side to get inspired. For most men, just by looking at there hot wife is inspiration enough! But for a woman it’s a much more complex process.
We don’t go out to restaurants much more and I think she doesn’t feel like a desirable sexy woman that often any more. I think after washing clothes/dishes and constantly looking after the kids all day it takes it out of you. A constant stress all day. For the woman to instantly put that aside and have sex just doesn’t happen. It takes time. A woman needs to feel like a sexual desirable woman before she’ll be coming on to you.
But I’ve noticed that my wife is really hard to talk to. And I have all the problems a lot of you describe. She seems quite closed at times and is not so easy to read as western girls I’ve known. She seems selfish in some ways but in others she’s the most caring and giving lady in the world. She uses the Japanese don’t like da da da line as well. Mysterious is one word that comes to mind. Is that part of my attraction to her?
At the end of the day any marriage takes hard work. And it’s even harder if your from completely different cultures. OK sex is good to start with cause its so different and new and fresh. But then reality comes hitting home. But if you really care for the person you decided to marry this is what advice I offer…
Be patient.
Love your wife and try to understand her by talking about things.
Take her out. wine and dine her. Let her dress in nice stuff. Treat her like a lady. Set up situations that will make her feel special.
Talk talk talk
Give her time to be happy within her self.
Remember these are only my opinions and I’m not saying I’m right. Hope it helps and best of luck.
Wow, this has been a very interesting thread to read.
I wasn’t sure if to post or not. I don’t think I fit into the “wife” category, I’m 20 years old and thus marriage doesn’t seem to be in the near future. I think I must also clarify that we live outside of Japan, although I did live there alone two years (18 until a couple of months ago) and plan to go back next spring to continue with university.
My parents are Japanese and according to my older sister, they haven’t had intimacy since our younger brother was conceived. One of the things I have noticed about them is that mother calls my father “papa” when Western couples call each other “darling” and “honey” and such. I do agree in the familiar/sibling feeling. Even now, with my sister being 24, me 20 and my parents, sometimes I feel we are four siblings trying to raise Tetsuo (10).
When I read the post about Japanese women being aroused by men who are dominant, I felt slightly offended, but then commenting that with my older sister, we realized it is true. Japanese women expect dominant, powerful men. Of course, there’s a line between saying “Turn this way”, which is dominant but respectful, and just yanking women around to do whatever position the man desires, which I would find abusive (men, specially Western, take advantage of us being petite, I feel).
Romanticism is a big deal. Japanese women are aware of our appeal to Western men , especially those who like anime or videogames. I have felt, with certain Western boyfriends I had, that I was just a realization of their “Japanese anime girl” fantasies, and I found that very offensive; which led to a downturn in libido. I suppose this applies to younger men mostly.
But as I was saying, Western men, and specially those not in Japan, where Japanese women are a “rarity” should try to make a girl feel special and unique, create a sense of “union” by elping her with her tasks, as you must know she certainly helps you with yours.
I hope this is of some help.
I would also like to add that I was truly disgusted my Mr.Tibbet’s comments, he reminds me of the reasons my parents gave me to not marry or get romantically involved with Western men.
thanks azu!!
nice to have a japanese woman’s perspective.
you mentioned you live outside of japan and that you’ve only live in japan two years, do you think your thinking is typically ‘japanese’ regarding sex? in what country do you live?
i hope the site’s administrator doesn’t mind(please edit or delete if inappropriate)
it would be interesting to have your perspectives on the articles posted on the site below(an excerpt of which is posted here)
http://www.1001kisses.com/
many of the readers of the above site are japanese women in japan. so you opinion would be interesting.
Hey Azu, are you Azuma too?
What part of Japan are you from?
@ azu (kelly)
No, Azu is a nickname that has a long story :3 My name is Miki. My family comes from Hiroshima.
@ mitaboy
I think my thinking is somewhere between my Japanese upbringing and me being youthful. I think I was brought up as traditionally as my parents could in a foreign country (they even put me into a Japanese school). My views on sex have a large Western influence, but me and my older sister have noticed that things sexually between my parents are very far from active.
For a very long time, I remember, my mother slept on a futon in me and my older sister’s bedroom “in case we had bad dreams”.
Our country is Costa Rica (that’s in Central America, I’m used to people not knowing much about it). This is an Spanish-speaking country, so I take the chance to say sorry if my English seems a little confusing.
About the book, the short part available in the main page had this fragment that caught my attention:
“If a woman likes you then she may want sex. If a woman loves you, her own sexual satisfaction is less important.”
I thought I was the only one like that! My current boyfriend is very worried during sex if he thinks he’s about to reach an orgasm before I do, and I always tell him “don’t worry, go ahead”. I wonder if it’s part of the “submissive Japanese wife/woman”. I’ll ask my older sister to see if she does the same thing.
(I just found where the real articles are he2)
I was thinking while reading some of the articles (it’s midnight here, so I won’t have time to read though today) that one of the problems with sex and Japanese women is that we’re taught, one way or the other, that sex is about “laying perfectly still and let the man do his things” with an occasional moan in the middle. Even when you watch Japanese pornography or even the ecchi anime, Japanese women just lay on bed. Many times, if she decides to go on top, she just moves up and down meekly or waits for the man to move his hips.
One author says that the sexual problem in Japan is all to blame on males. “It takes two to tango” and I believe that in a couple both should make an effort to improve their sexual life.
In the case of many people here, who are male foreigners married to Japanese women, I think women should make an effort to break out of that shell, but in the mean time the men whould make a huge effort to understand that shell (I know it’s hard, I’m from a Japanese family and I can barely understand half of our “cultural quirks”) to help her get rid of some of it.
azu,
you are lucky to have a considerate boyfriend! since he has stated his desire to be sure you are sexually fulfilled teach him how to do it, if he doesn’t already know. just the fact that you can communicate on this level is great. never say, “don’t worry, go ahead”, instead teach him technique and patience.
this board is very interesting to me because i have never experienced a problem of sexlessness with japanese women.
my guess, from what i’ve heard from japanese women is that many to most foreign men aren’t as considerate & sensitive(from a japanese woman’s perspective) as media presents or as they themselves would imagine – it isn’t just culture.
if you have any japanese ladyfriends that read english introduce them to the site so that we can get better insights.
thanks!!
I just dropped on this thread by chance. Scanned a few posts. Decided it was a comedy skit.Read a few more, slowly. My jaw dropped. Its for real? These guys really don’t get it?
on 14 Aug 2007 at 9:56 pm 142
Bingo!
Oh, and “Maybe just drop the word casually in conversation, perhaps when choosing peaches at the grocery store or something”
Huh? You nuts?
1) Just get a good referral to a “brazilian waxing” establishment. Pick a good “no work day”. Put 2 tylenol 3 s in the vitamins you feed her with (you do feed her vits I hope), then go down and hold her hand while she yells.
2)Make a big “thank you” dinner, but don’t do anything
3) Get on the plane to that villa you booked in Thailand. The one with a walled garden so you can walk around naked or do it on the barbecue table without being arrested, and a pool so you can f*** under water. Don’t make a big deal out of sex, just do it and do it well; 2 or 3 times a day.
Take everthing you are likely to need inlcuding 2 tubes of KY jelly for the anal, and a video camera. Shop like hell while you are there for the sexiest clothes you can find. Throw in a good bracelet for fun. Make a game of dressing, undressing. Make lots of other games. Buy a yo-yo, a hula hoop or two, Go to fun parks.
If you have kids make sure they are booked in with mother-in-law and well funded. They’ll survive without you for 2 weeks, probably. If not, you can always make some more.
Don’t drink while you are out there having fun.
Oh,, nearly forgot, you did check the monthly schedule I hope. Avoid it. Just get the dates right.
I hope I don’t offend anyone, but all this stuff about Christianity, about expecting a Japanese woman to take the initiative (they can’t, they have no idea what to do), about …. oh dear God, please help these folks!
I cannot believe Japan is becoming a Sexless society. Maybe in the confines of
marriage. I am getting ready to marry a Japanese woman who LOVES sex.
I believe the porno industry in japan aids in the distruction of the marriage.
Thus causing japan to become a sexless society. The economic “Boom” that Japan
has become is in my opinion one of the causes of the Sexless society.
Couples need to spend more time together in order to strengthen the family.
The destruction of the family causes the destruction of the country. Look at America.
I welcome comments from other “gaijin men” who are married to or are thinking of
marrying Japanese women.
After being maried for 5 years with a japanese woman i can say only one thing, They maybe cute, pretty, sexy and so on…. until they married, i don’t know what is going on and/or why it is happen but they become one of the most useless things on this planet. Take my advice fellows, NEVER marry with a japanese girl. To be bf/gf is fine until judgment day but they are going to change into an evil right after you sign marriage paper.
(dave)
how are you defining ‘useless’?
have you considered separation or divorce?
Hi to all you people out there..
I think being married to Japanese has more problems than just sex..
the whole culture difference is bigger than i thought it would have been
Things like expressing our feelings..I dont think Japanese are very good at that..though i am not saying all are like that..but back to the actual post,I do know how you all feel about sexless marriages..My wifes parents sleep in seperate beds and even though my wife doesn`t agree with them (thankfully we sleep in the same bed) she does have a submissive nature..she will just lay there and if i feel i am going to come she will say it`s ok please come..but i feel i would like like to foreplay and then have intercourse again..
and i do feel a change in sex after we got married..as of now the last time we had sex was 1 and a half months ago..that was never the case before we got married..but i love her and she loves me and we know we have different cultures and outlooks on life and we need to respect that..but that doesn`t make it easy ..anyway good luck to you all out there