With maid cafes where pretty young girls that ooze submissiveness to their “masters”, and “shuccho health” (出張ヘルス, basically, dial-a-prostitute) and soap-lands (sensual bathing houses with soapy special service) to vending machines for porn, and specialty shops with used high school girl underwear; Japan, at least on the surface appears one of the most sexually proactive nations in the world. Japanese men are as perverted (if not more perverted) than those in other countries, and as for the ladies, on top of being naturally feminine (with petite sexy bodies, skin that doesn’t seem to change complexion from childhood, pretty faces and silky black hair), the women of Japan have no misconceptions about what style – clothes, perfume and make up – makes a man stop in his tracks, and rouse that tingle in his loins.
When interacting with others, sex and everything surrounding it is fair game for a topic of conversation in Japan and, it is certainly not frowned upon by religious groups or society at large as it is in the USA and other countries. When it comes to secreting sexual hormones and sexuality in general, almost nothing is taboo in Japan – until that is, the day one gets married, or so it seems. Indeed in stark sexual contrast, Japan may be suffering from a sexual drought, where being totally open about sex and being sexy in general, doesn’t seem to be converted into the ins-and-outs of baby making when it comes to married couples.
Shown in these statistics, a recent survey by Japan’s health ministry found that as many as one-third of all marriages in Japan are sexless. The problem is now so widespread that the government fears it is a major contributor to the dramatic plunge in Japan’s birthrate (now only 1.28 births per woman). This sexless phenomenon is not only found in those relationships that are plunging down the drain toward divorce, but to the contrary, more and more couples that consider themselves healthily married (and have no intention of separating), have not had sex with each other in the last month or more (the common definition of “sexless” in Japan), with many saying that they have not had sex together in the last 6 months to one year.
According to the most recent survey of 41 nations last October, the average Japanese has intercourse 45 (and according to Bayer Pharmaceuticals as low as 17) times a year, compared with the global average of 103. Japan is repeatedly at the bottom of the list. Last year it trailed Singapore, which was 28 shags a year higher!
The term “sexless”, was first used in Japan in the early 1990s, but now is instantly recognizable to the Japanese as a universally understood concept, and widely discussed in the media. There are books on the subject and thousands websites and heartbreaking blogs discussing sexless Japan, while letters on the subject fill agony columns on “dear doctor”-type sites.
One in five sexless couples say they view sex simply as a nuisance. A small number cite the lack of a private space, because children or elderly parents often sleep just the other side of a paper-thin door, leading many married couples to even sleep in separate rooms. Mitsui Home announced recently in an Asahi Newspaper article, that in 30% of the new houses they build, the couples are asking for 2 “master” bedrooms. This is a shocking statistic, which shows that sexless couples want to continue living their lives together – separately! “We are sort of room-mates rather than a married couple”, one 31-year-old man, who had not had sex with his wife for two years, told the Asahi Shinbun.
There are many other theories about why the Japanese become less inclined to raunchy evenings in the sack together, but likely it is a mixture of some of these:
- Stress of work/life in Japan (maybe the taihen cloud?)
- Lack of understanding, and usage of contraception, especially “the pill” (who wants to use condoms with their wife!?), making sex with your wife viable only when you want to have a baby
- Abundance of 不倫 (furin, or extra-marital) relationships
- More and more Japanese women choosing career over family
- A tendency among Japanese married couples to feel an aversion to sex with their spouse, not because they dislike one another, but rather because they feel that they have more of a sister-brother relationship; the sanctity of which would be destroyed with a repulsive incest-like feeling, by what westerners would consider normal conjugal relations
The last point is an interesting one, as in the past, it has been traditionally Japanese women who complained that they couldn’t see their hubby “as a member of the opposite sex.” But in the last few years, there’s been an exponential increase in men who can’t view their wives as sexual partners either. While it is true that many Japanese married couples seem to be sexless in nature, they key thing to remember is that this certainly does not mean that they lack the desire for sexual fulfillment. While marriage and children may bring on a sex drought in the home, Japanese people who want (and in the case of most men, need) sex do not simply abstain from sex because they cannot see the feminine qualities in their own wife, or the sexual attraction of their hard working husband.
Japanese men love their companies; they live for work, and many don’t even think it is a problem if they don’t have sex with their wives. They have pornography and the sex industry (soap lands, cabaret bars, and dial-a-girl services, and trips to Taiwan) to take care of their needs, but their wives have nowhere to go. They just suffer in silence.. or do they? The divorce rate in Japan has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, with more women blaming their sexually inactive, as opposed to sexually errant, husbands for break-ups. Though they may not be seeking sexual pleasure from their better halves, married Japanese women are seeking intimacy from other sources (many even claim to have a sex addiction), leading double lives – being the good mother, while at the same time seeking out “Leroy” the lover, who is always lurking, and ready to fulfill her every desire.
Japan is full of temptation, and it doesn’t matter whether you are a housewife or salary-man, there is plenty of raunchy action waiting out there – if that is what you desire. Furin sites to find a (extra marital) “sex friend” partner are just as rampant in Japan as in other countries, however they are much more widely used by women in Japan to solve their sexless quandaries. For the more conservative ladies, sites like mixi.jp – which are neutrally classed as “social networking” spaces – are abound with profiles (men and women) looking for partners to secretly spruce up their sexless, but otherwise happily married lives.
Many Japanese marriages may be sexless, but this is only a statistic about the state of sex within marriage itself. In fact, there may be a good reason for the sexless condition of marriages here – Are the Japanese getting enough of the good stuff outside their marriages to keep them happy? I certainly think so.
Japanese people will never be sexless as individuals; therefore Japan is not sexless, so don’t let mere statistics confuse the situation!
(If you are married in Japan, or married to a Japanese, let us know what you think of “Sexless Japan” by leaving a comment below!)
haikei
hajimemashite.watashi wa suriranka kara.namae thusitha. daitai nihon go ga wakari masu. ii tomodachini natte kudasaimasenka.kore wa watashi no e-mail adoresu: [email protected]
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e-mail o matte imasu
keigu
thusitha
Thusita you sad ass…sign up for stippy friends like the rest of us and try your luck there!
Thusitha… Surii-Saizu ha? Yoroshiku…
Hello Japan culture,
I want to marry a japanese women porn star but how may do that maybe I can stop women from going into pornographic films by marrying them.
I am a chinese muslim I learn this.
my email is [email protected] maybe you can help me find one with reason enough to marry me as a muslim.
My first post here: I have been married for two years to a Japanese woman. Before that I was married for 15 years to an American. My new wife told me she hadn’t slept with her previous husband for 8 years. I had big problems sexually with my American wife: she only liked the missionary position and refused to let me go down on her. She would never get wet enough “down there” and my efforts to get inside invariably resulted in premature ejaculation. KY jelly, lubricated condoms helped, but were always messy.
My Japanese wife loves it when I go down on her. When we first married we were doing it sometimes two or three times a day (okay, I hadn’t had sex in over a year at the time). Today, two years later we have slowed down. We have sex only two or three times on the weekends. But she is always complaining that we don’t have sex often enough! It’s getting so that I often have “performance anxiety.” I suspect she has an ulterior motive: she wants a baby. I think our ages (me,49 and she,44) are thwarting her plans.
I sometimes pinch myself, to make sure I really am this happy. I think I do make the extra effort to please my wife: I help with the housework, I give her my salary, etc. I think a big factor is my bad grasp of the Japanese language: I can’t understand her when she is angry with me, so I just apologize and a fight never really gets started! I think Japanese women are very, very beautiful, and I am sure the interracial thing adds a lot of spice to our sex. My wife and other Japanese women tell me Japanese men are lazy around the house and very childish. Thank you, Japanese men!
I’m happily married to a Japanese woman & have been for nearly 5 years. Our early days of marriage were filled with rampant sex & great satisfaction which eventually resulted in two wonderful kids. After our second child, things began to dry up a bit sexually.
I think this was just a natural progression, something that happens to most couples after having children. We went from having sex about thrice a week to having it only once a month….but when we did have it it was always really good for both of us.
I think the point I am trying to put accross is that, whatever culture you’re from, who ever you’re married too, sex after childbirth is always different & usually declines. It’s not a cultural thing, it’s a hormonal thing that everyone will experience at somepoint in their life once they’ve had children.
It does not just apply to women, men’s hormones also go a bit haywire after becoming a Dad…..the natural pattern is that the first child brings desire to have anothre, a sibling for the first child to grow up with; hence sexual desire is still strong after the first.
But after the second the sexual drive depletes, & for me it was obvious when this was happening. After that point a natural desire to concentrate on providing for the children took over & I consequently concentrated harder on my work & my wife concentrated harder on rearing the kids in the home.
We spent about two years in an alomost sexually passive period, but all of a sudden just the other day the drive came on again!! I managed sex thrice in one night, something I never thoughht I’d be capable of again after having two kids! My wife was shocked, but not withholding….& now I’m getting hot for it everyday (something that hasn’t happened for over 4 years since becoming a dad).
I think it’s human nature for men to continue wanting sex more than women. That’s the way we have been designed & is perhaps the reason why the Japanese, who understand this nature, expect men to have extra marital affairs & view it as OK.
Personally I expect most men in the world to have extra marital affairs / or at least jerk off to porn on a regular basis in secret. Given our relogious cultures, CHristianity & Catholicism, we have been taught to be ashamed of masturbation, & to relinquish our sexual desires, which only leads to “adulterous” actions anyway. in Japan it seems that they are open to sex & are almost too acceptant of this natural mechanism to want to stick your phallus in something, that they just turn a blind eye to it. Surely an intelligent man can direct his sexual desire to his partner. If his partner is spurning him then that’s a different matter, & of course he’s going to need to do something else to fulfill his drive.
I kind of hold respect for the Japanese view that men are likely to go on & do this, but I do wish that Japanese men would try harder to keep the home fires burning with their wives. It seems that they themsleves have become resigned to the fact that going to strip joints / using sex services / or just having a bit on the side is part & parcel of society without really trying to make it happen at home.
I have to say after reading all the post here on this site, I have to come to the conclusion that all you guys are Pussy Whipped Punks who did not set things straigh to begin with. First, as I combe through the internet and read Gaijin experiences with Japanese “cuties”, I get the feeling that the men treat these women like they are “special” than other women. They seem to be fooled by the innocent appearance and petite body of these women. These women are WOMEN…just fucking women guys..nothing special. You guys kiss their asses, as you think you are getting some “faithful” cute prize that you can parade around with since you are most likely incapable of getting the same level of pussies back home in the States or where you come from.
Now me: I met my Japanese bitch in Graduate school. I wasted no time fucking her….. and we still together although her ass is in Japan and mine is in the States. I screamed at her, pretty much from the beginning and let her know she was nothing special, just a bitch to me and if she plays her cards right I may keep her ass. She let me know, she was not attracted to Japanese guys cause they are SOFT….like you guys are. Now me..I am a divorcee, with no kids, from a bitch that was the bitch of bitches here in the States. Yep, I got married, when I was 19 years old to this ugly fucking 37 year ho bag. I learned alot about bitch mind games and stinking pussy being with held and promised myself that I will never let another WHORE Pussy Whipped me again. Oh yeah, for four years I was a money earning pussy whipped mudda fucker. Anyways, I am still angry at myself and this aggression is prominent with any woman I get with. Ok, continuing with my Japanese taming story. She tries to pressure me to marry her, since 2005 and I told her, I don’t need a wife…and pretty much she is useless unless I feel like getting married. You see, I am talented in cooking and house chores too…….thanks to my lazy fucking Stepmother who made me do all those chores, so ofcourse I know how to do all that shit too, plus I am good looking, educated, make my money and simply don’t give a fuck about a woman’s feelings sometimes (Ok, I pretend I don’t). But I have her trained in all aspects of what I want and what her role will be, and I have told her I am not above slapping the fuck out of her too ( although I wouldn’t since an assault charge will ruin my career) Guess what I am?
My point is guys…is this…you guys portrayed yourself the same way the Japanese guys do with their women. Too eager to please them and let them get away with bullshit. I have told my woman that if she ever holds sex as a ransom from me…..I will simply dump her ass and find many bitches who would gladly take her role. You have to make your voice clear, and it does not matter if you are in Japan or not. Be willing to be the man, no matter what. Since I have a big aversion to COMMITMENT its so easy for me to dump a broad. And I have her ass on the pill and even though her parents are begging for a kid…Ok, I will reveal here that I am a black male: they want to have Exotic looking black grand children and so does she. I told her, that I will not be second to NONE. I don’t want children with her or any bitch for that matter. I have seen the results of ill fated marriages and money hungry ho’s trying to get you to pay 90% of your paycheck to support some fucking ungrateful brats, who you never get to see or play with.
SO FELLOWS……..Stand up and treat that Japanese bitch like shit. Come on….have you not notice women try to please a man that they think will trade their ass in. It does help to be smart, good looking, full of ambition, athletic and a bad attitude. I cuss my Japanese girlfriend all the time and hang up on her ass when I get tired of her trying to persuade me to be positive. Plus, I make her send me money……. That way, you make sure if she is willing to loose all her worth and money to have a relationship with you, she must either be in real love or just a really stupid bitch. Anyways, I hope you’ll keep it real…..
And no…black guys are not all assholes Japanese women……JUST ME. I live by the motto..”No pussy is that good”
“I have told her I am not above slapping the fuck out of her too ( although I wouldn’t since an assault charge will ruin my career) Guess what I am?”
Lawyer?
Nah man….I am DEA, but JAG (Military) was my second choice, since getting hired by this fucking agency is so tough.
And yet another prime example why America has the stupidest law enforcement people in the world, and an uneducated population that keeps them in power. Mr. Tibett calls himself educated….hmmm, I would know what his standard for retarded is, because he certainly sounds like one from any other country on this planet.
Mr Tibett: Get some anger management, get some help, or you will find yourself 60, alone, miserable and even more pathetic than you are now. But I guess you will just keep on being the braindead person you are, and play with your gun and rant on how pleased you are with yourself on your delusional power trip. Get a life my fellow stippy reader.
while mr tibett has a ‘unique’ way of expressing himself, and i certainly don’t agree with all of what he says, many american men do tend to put japanese women on a pedestal then complain when the sex dries up.
i’ve had success by just telling women what my sexual expectations are(3 – 5x a week) , letting them know that i’m focused on their pleasure, and moving on from there.
TAXED MAN:
You know, if was very angry for a long time, but anger management only made me more angrier. And please fool, compared to me, you are perhaps a moron; You have no clue what it takes to be a Fed Agent and how dare a couch potato punk like you insult the brave REAL MEN and Women putting their lives on the line everyday. What are you, one of these “English” teaching gaijin? I only wrote it in a language so that someone with your extremely limited intellect may be able to grasp the concept of the story.
Now down to business. MITA BOY, I think 3-5 days a week is good! and you are a stand up guy taking care of business.
Keep it real ya’ll.
As a black professional woman, I am ashamed of the image that Tibett put out. You sound no better than a kindergartner who can not have his way. If anger management didn’t help, maybe you should commit yourself to a nice federally funded institution. Our government is foolish enough to pay you to be a DEA? ……. I’m sorry… I had to take a minute…. I just puked a little… Your attitude leaves a bad taste in my mouth… Tib, your attitude and lack of respect for women is a disgrace, not only to you, but to your mother who I am sure thinks she should’ve have chosen the coat hangar.
By the way, America does have one of the stupidest law enforcement SYSTEMS in the world. I cannot put down the individuals who work hard to support families, but I can’t stand to see people like you who make everyone else’s hard work not worth a damn…
You’re a lucky man. A better woman would have sprinkled arsenic in your donburi…
Professional Black Women, it is sad that you are ashamed of yourself. You see, your lack of pride of simply being a black person is why the world will always treat blacks like third class citizen, rather than the powerful nubians we really are. But this is not about race…its about you not accepting that all men are not pussy whipped weaklings ready to get with the self righteous “woman movement” busllshit that has overshadowed real men in America.
Some questions to you:
1. Have you ever served in the Armed Forces?
2. Have you ever been shot, while on duty, trying to clear black neighborhoods of drug dealers?
3. Have you ever volunteer your time in inner cities to help old people; minister positive goals to young black youths?
4. Have you ever been civil justice?
You see, I picture you as one of the same prissy cows, thinking because they travelled to a fucking foreign land it gives them the right to use Japanese alphabet as a Forum Post name. You are not Japanese and I highly doubt you are anything other than a self centered bitch who has never done a day of self act to help others. I have seen and dealt with your kind and Sista….you aint pretty. And by the way…my mother was a bitch! And Daddy did beat her ass.
My relationship with my Japanese woman is great. She knows her role………learn yours!
Interesting, while I served in the DEA we were forbidden to make comments on internet sites, claiming we were agency crew and making such public representations of our opinions.
wow times really are changing, I guess anyone is in now huh!
Aaaah, now its time to respond. If your lucky, you may learn something Tibs.
Ashamed of being black: never. Ashamed that you are black: YES!
I am proud to be of African descent. Everyday I find ways to bring myself closer to my African heritage. And not once have I ever been treated like a third class citizen. But you are right, this isn’t about race, its about your disregard for the rights of all human regardless of nationality.
Answers to your questions:
1. I was born in the Marines fool. After living that life, I think I have had my share of a parent that suffered mental disturbances in a war started by caucasians in power to benefit caucasians in power. I refuse to fall into that trap that America has set up for poor youth.
2. No, never been shot on duty. I work in a hospital sweetie. We don’t shoot each other. We help those who have been shot. Have you ever pulled a bullet out of a young black boy who got caught in the cross fire of drug dealers war? You would never know… People like you can only hurt, never heal.
3. I volunteer with NYPD auxilary. I volunteer at group homes, AIDS prevention programs….
4. Have I ever been civil justice….? No, I don’t think I have been civil justice, that’s not possible. I have however taken part in civil justice by showing up to jury duty and enjoying it.
You can picture me as a prissy cow… Cows can’t type. I can.
I have not travelled to A foreign land, I have travelled to MANY. I have to right to use whatever symbols I want to represent my name. I am not Japanese, but the guy I married is…. I am a bitch, and the things I do to help people are not “self-acts” as you put it, they are done because people need help and if they had to rely on you to do it, there would be a whole generation of black youths hanging from the rafters by their Nike laces.
I have dealt with YOUR kind before. Aint nothing sweeter than beating the ignorance out of a man with my two bare fists.
From your point of view, it wouldn’t be pretty…
PS- It would be just like an ugly man to attack a woman’s features without having an inkling of what she looks like.
And its Professional Black WOMAN, singular not plural.
DEA my ass…. It looks like the first letters that floated up in your soup became your profession… You should try harder to pick a job in your soup that fits you, like LOSER.
TRUCE TO ALL.
Yes Pango, times has changed, we are now DOHS.
What does DOHS stand for?
カミラ
Way to stand up for yourself. Just out of curiosity, and since this is a sexless thread, have you experienced sexlessness with your Japanese husband?
i haven’t experienced this sexlessness in japan, quite the opposite. are japanese people sexless when they are NOT in japan?
Ao,
I haven’t experienced sexlessness… I hope I never do. I feel bad for the men on this thread.
To other men on this thread:
I don’t know if this will help, but a woman is most easily aroused right before her period begins.
Downside is, if she suffers from PMS she’ll be a little more cranky than usual; so you may have to butter her up.
Another hint: no chocolate. If you want sex, stop letting her eat chocolate. The enzymes in chocolate replicate enzymes released during sexual activity. Don’t let Hershey have his way with your wife.
Women are visual: why not write an erotic story that stars you and your wife and give it to her page by page…
TALK to her. Everyone has been saying it. It can be effective.
Oh, and soft porn…. I know that sounds lame, but I only say soft because I don’t know other womens taste… find out what she likes and watch it with her…
Hi all,
I found this thread very interesting and informative, and would like to revive it for some updates.
I just got married myself last year to a lovely Japanese woman whom I love and am deeply committed to, but also found a simliar trend to what has been mentioned here – great sex before engagement, a waning during engagement, and then after a fantastic honeymoon a sudden drop in sex!!
We are both working hard at our jobs, so that may be the reason, but other comments and experinces are welcome … advice too ….
Joe Bloe,
Looking back at the mistakes I’ve made over the past 13+ years of marriage, I offer this piece of advice: deal with it now! My biggest mistake is that I kept putting off confronting the pitiful state of our sex life, hoping that it would improve on its own. I’m trying to deal with it now, but with four kids and habits ingrained, it’s only gotten harder. As you might imagine, our lives are now much more complex than they were when we were a newly maried couple. It takes guts, of course, to confront such issues, and I lacked those guts at that time — or that or I was simply guilty of a sort of lazy delusion. (It’s probably both!)
In any case, start dealing with it now, but also have patience. The few attempts I did make earlier on were done with kindness and understanding, but not with enough patience. I would too quickly give up on any real efforts and go back to just hoping that things would somehow improve on their own. Perhaps I often confused patience with lack of action.
If you really love her and your truly committed to this marriage, take action — and keep engaged with the issue — but have patience.
And never take advice from Mr. Tibitt!
a partial reprint of an article available on the net… keep the wheat throw out the chaff
[It’s almost laughable to hear foreign men talk about the sexual times they had with their Japanese spouse before marriage, and how now sex seldom occurs. These men are shocked and angry. Haven’t they realized that though many Japanese women appear sexy and attractive that they aren’t nearly as sexual as Western women? The statistics are everywhere; Japanese people don’t have sex as frequently as other cultures.
So what happened?
Japanese women are as smart as most women; they realize that one way to catch a man is through his penis. That means sex is bait! Japanese women don’t have the bait market cornered, no matter what culture sex has always been a tool to ‘hook’ a man. In many instances, the Japanese woman in fact hasn’t experienced the true pleasure of sex but just gave the foreign man what he wanted, no different than she would have done with a Japanese man. The difference between Japanese and Western women is that Western women may desire sex more frequently—again just look at the statistics.
However, with enough moans of excitement a man can be seduced into thinking he has found real love AND that he is a super lover. Amazing how unaware of the truth some men can be. For most men, the fact is that they aren’t fantastic lovers, so it’s easier for them to get hooked. If you are a man reading this, become a better lover and you won’t be caught by sex. A good lover truly focuses on the sexual and emotional needs of the woman. From the Japanese woman’s perspective, the foreign man is more polite and considerate than the ‘typical’ Japanese man because of his ‘ladies first’ attitude. So she is ‘willing’ to get married, even if the sex isn’t good—after which sex dwindles and the husband complains.
Now that she’s married why should she want sex? She has her husband, a gaijin man, her status symbol and the envy of many Japanese women. Sex wasn’t that good for her anyway. It was bait and it served it’s purpose. Amazing that foreign men don’t realize this fact. Now he’s trapped in a marriage and is angry because the sex has dried up. Wrongly, he faults her and tries to introduce sexual variety, basically what satisfies his fantasies and he hopes will satisfy her. The bottom line is that sex was never that good for her in the first place and he didn’t really satisfy nor develop a sexual need in her. Combine this with the time constraints of kids and possibly a job. The woman is just too tired and not interested enough to have sex with him.
A key thought, if sex isn’t good for her then there is absolutely no good reason for her to want sex. A woman should not have sex just because the man wants it; that isn’t a good enough reason. Good sex for a woman can be like their favorite food or dessert: if it’s good she will crave it and ask for it. ]
Thank you to both you of you for the supportive and advisory replies! This what I think these kinds of blogs can be – other’s experiences which let you know you are not alone and can help based on experience (not stereotypes), and also put the responsibility on looking at yourself first (ouch).
Are there also any foreign women who have Japanese spouses – I think that their perspective would be a welcome even more valuable and informative input? Thanks again.
I am sure most of you will agree that the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Well, the way to a womans heart goes through her private parts. Get some olive oil and get buisy you guys. Lube it and get that plug in viberator going just as you stick it in her. Have her hold onto it so it hits her where she wants it. It isn’t in the way as much as you may think. Don’t leave home without it, even on vacation. 28 years later I am still married and still get it when I want it.
Those who think the whole problem with low-sex or no-sex marriages is due to techniques in bed don’t know what they’re talking about. I’ve tried just about everything you can imagine to make sure that sex is nothing but enjoyable for her. Those efforts have largely worked in that she loves what I do to and for her. The problem is that she does not respond in the way that I (and most people I know) would expect – e.g. “That was great! Let’s do it again!” . . . or “Thanks so much, Honey, for making me feel so good. Let me return the favor!” . . . or, best of all, “I love you.”
Those efforts, by the way, have always been done with loving words and gestures. In and out of bed, I’m constantly telling her how beautiful she is, how sexy she is . . . that she looks even better than on the day we married. And I really mean it — I’ve never said that just hoping that she’ll then “put out”. I love her dearly and would do anything for her. But maybe this goes to the heart of the problem: she doesn’t really love me and would not “do anything” for me. I hope that’s not true, but it probably is.
If that’s true, I wish she would at least TRY to love me. If you marry someone and even have kids with him/her, I would think that you would at least want to try to love that person. I do believe it’s possible for love to grow where none existed . . . or where it once was but has left . . . but such cases, you’ve got to put effort into it.
I know I sound pitiful (and that in this situation, I am, in fact, pretty damn pitiful!), but I guess that’s the way unrequited love goes. It’s one of the oldest stories around, and it frequently brings otherwise strong people to embarrassing states of weakness. If you never experience it, you’re lucky. If you declare yourself immune, you’ve got other issues you need to work on – besides, of course, your total lack of empathy!
Kakui,
Too much one-way-love only worsens the problem. Sometimes, you have to be an asshole. By all means, don’t give her a guilt trip about not loving you enough. One book I read and learned a lot from is called “How to Succeed with Women”. Much of the book is crap, and it focuses too much on getting sex, but I learned a lot about how women think and work, and what sort of things men should be doing and, more importantly, not doing.
In your case, I think the answer may be doing the opposite of what you are doing. However, I don’t know the specifics or what kind of person your wife is, so be careful of advice from strangers.
one thing i realized early on in life is that people generally don’t change very much after their teens.
i have been married, now divorced(had nothing to do with sex, she wanted to even after knowing the papers were going to be final) after not being to adjust to a personality trait that i chose to ignore before marriage. sex was very good, other aspects(that i ignored – my fault for doing so) weren’t tolerable. no hate there, we are still friends.
my only point is that men generally have a picture of who there wife is before they marry.
Kakui
[Those who think the whole problem with low-sex or no-sex marriages is due to techniques in bed don’t know what they’re talking about. I’ve tried just about everything you can imagine to make sure that sex is nothing but enjoyable for her. Those efforts have largely worked in that she loves what I do to and for her. The problem is that she does not respond in the way that I (and most people I know) would expect – e.g. “That was great! Let’s do it again!” . . . or “Thanks so much, Honey, for making me feel so good. Let me return the favor!” . . . or, best of all, “I love you.”]
please don’t be offended, but if she didn’t do it before marriage there’s no reason to expect it after marriage. if she did it before marriage reference my post number 124
Jeez, I feel really sorry for all these frustrated people! As I mentioned in my post#105, I am pretty happy with my marriage of two years to a Japanese woman. Maybe I should describe our relationship and some of you can see whether there are some shortcomings in your behavior/efforts.
1) I always tell my wife she is beautiful and sexy, at least 20 times a day.
2) I REALLY help with the housework, from laundry and dishwashing to vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom.
3) We do “dakko” at least once a day: she sits on my lap, facing me, one leg on each side of me and we hug each other for a long time, while talking about whatever we want.
4) Our sex mainly involves me going down on her until she comes at least two or three times, THEN we have intercourse, using different positions. For some reason, our sex never seems “old.” When she says thank you (sometimes she says “tensai”), I say “kochira koso” (me, too). As I said in my #105, our frequency is down a bit, now only two to three times on weekends. Frankly, anymore and I would get peformance anxiety.
5) I think massage is vital to a good relationship. It feels good and lets your partner know you care. You can massage her all over her body, don’t forget her face. Put your fingers in the back of her hair and lightly scratch her scalp.
6) You are going to groan at this, but I always open the car door for her and help her put on/take off her coat (especially in public!).
7) Buying presents is an art and an absolute must. I can’t say I have mastered it. She enjoys telling her friends about the unromantic gifts I have given her (don’t get her a coffee grinder for Christmas… even if you plan on using it yourself to make her fresh coffee every morning–yes, I do every morning).
That would be perhaps my CALL FOR HELP: what are some good, original, ROMANTIC, not too expensive gifts to give your Japanese wife? Yes, yes, I have already given flowers, jewelry (she lost that necklace) and sexy underwear.
HappyInJapan,
Good for you. Any guys who are thinking, “That’s too much work” or “It’s not worth the trouble” well you will reap what you sow. Don’t think of it as doing something for her, think of it as doing something for yourself. Kind of a wake up call for me, too. Time to start opening the car doors again.
I’ve tried to read through all these responses and find it curious that no one has considered that this isn’t about culture but about variability in libido and physiological responses to sexual stimulation. For the most part, the types of people who are likely to post responses to this article are the type in the same boat as the author.
If you consider that there are a lot people who are crazy about chocolate and some who are indifferent to it and accept that this is normal variation in tastes then it’s easy to believe that there are some people for whom sex is simply not all that appealing, particularly in light of the time it takes and the effort that goes into it.
I’m neither Japanese nor married to a Japanese person so I can’t speak from experience but mainly from logic and an understanding of psychology. It does make sense that there will be some people who will be indifferent to sexual activity and others who may eventually grow bored with it no matter what because, no matter how many different roads you take, the destination is always the same. (I’m not saying this is true for me but just it makes sense.)
I have talked to a fair number of foreign men with Japanese wives and girlfriends and I’ve been told many of their partners seem to have orgasms almost instantly. I’ve pondered whether or not there is a physiological difference for Japanese women or whether or not they’re culturally coached to fake it and never really develop a taste for sex as a pleasurable experience. I can’t say which and I can’t even say that this is true of more than a handful of women but it is food for thought.
I particularly wonder if there is something about the culture and the overt objectification of women sexually that may make them feel more put upon when men desire them. While women are objectified in most cultures, most of them aren’t exposed quite so freely and frequently to men reading explicit publications on trains, animation on T.V., or movies showing rape almost casually. This, coupled with the gropers on trains, may leave some of them feeling like pieces of meat. Could some of them be blamed for repressing their sexual sides because they feel almost oppressive attention from men who they have no interest in? Men tend to feel that women are flattered by their sexual interest but too much of it tends to start making women want anything but because they start to feel you only value their bodies.
I’m not making any proclamations or reaching any conclusions but I think it may be useful to look past the obvious answers Most people who have issues with sex either have a physiological issue or a psychological issue that they don’t understand the roots of.
Well, Shari sure gives us some food for thought. It’s always dangerous to generalize about a whole culture from the experiences of a few people. That’s a very good point that mainly people with the same problem are going to be responding to a blog like this, which gives the appearance of unanimity when it’s really only a small sample.
Do Japanese women have orgasms quicker than other women? Are they just faking orgasms? In my very limited experience it does seem true that Japanese women are more wild in bed and really get into it, resulting in quicker and more orgasms. This might have to do with the interracial element making the sex more exciting?
Early in our relationship, my wife seemed to come very quickly, we would have many “restarts” after orgasms, when she would have to catch her breath, and she claimed she had “come” many, many times. But more recently, I have noticed it takes much longer for her to get an orgasm. We seem to get into cycles of her “getting somewhere”, only to have her noticeably relax, but when she finally does come (or “go” as the Japanese like to say), the orgasm does seem to last longer. She told me this is exactly what is happening. She is simply holding off on coming as long as she can to heighten the orgasm when it finally comes. All I know is, my tongue, jaw and fingers are about ready to fall off!
Is she faking it? I don’t think she is faking it. She often signals her interest in sex (by wearing something sexy to bed or grabbing my privates in the morning) and sometimes she complains we don’t have sex enough. Would she do these things if she didn’t like sex?
I think Shari is right in saying we each have our own issues regarding sex, stemming from our upbringing, and physical things come into it, too. But maybe where I live is different from the big cities in Japan. I don’t notice the pervasive sexual fixation here that Shari is describing as typical of Japan. I have never seen any simulated rape scenes on TV. I know the Mangas in the bookstores can be pretty hardcore. I can imagine unwanted sexual advances could annoy women, but I don’t see how that should turn them off from sex in a loving relationship.
I’m from the US, and been married to a Japanese woman for 10 years and lived/worked in Japan for 12. Your article’s topic hit close to home.
First of all, for all of you who aren’t even in Japan, nor married to Japanese, nor have kids yet (that’s a big one) your ideas are interesting, but are nowhere near my experiences or anyone in the same boat as I who I’ve talked with. The guys married to Japanese who have kids fall along the same lines as I – Before marriage/before kids: good sex, after marriage/after kids: little/no sex.
And I have other Japanese guy friends who I talk to too. Same story. Unless you’re still working on more kids, there’s not a lot going on under the futon. But probably a for more practical and mundane reasons than people might think. Without going into a lot of psychological conjecture I’ll list my top 3 reasons.
1. Kids sleep with parents until they’re in Junior High (or old enough to WANT to sleep by themselves)
2. Spouses have drastically different schedules. Most “Salarymen” still work until late at night, regardless of what you read about how “official” working hours have been reduced in Japan.
3. Spouses barely have any time alone or privacy. See 1 and 2.
Overcoming those obstacles are hard enough. Combine that with the fact that my wife seems perfectly satisfied with being JUST a mother, rather than a wife and mother, and the product of this equation doesn’t lead to a lot of copulation. Other husbands, both Japanese and foreigner alike tell the same story. Japanese wives switch roles apon becoming a mother.
Thanks Simeon for your honet comment – well now I am REALLY depressed – given that this kind of blog attracts those who are of like mind or have the same ‘problem’ (so its a small sample, or not… – I have a sneaky suspicion of under-reporting on this), how extensive is this really? I am getting hints now about making babies on a virtual desert of sexual inactivity ….. I feel like I am being/have been had. More wine pleeeease.
Oh well.
@Joe Bloe
Don’t give up yet, my wife works too, so it makes it extra difficult. And I really haven’t been able to put a lot of time into getting the activity back, for obvious reasons. Maybe other people who are in a different situation have some more hopeful experiences for you.
But at least it shouldn’t be a stretch of the imagination as to why married couples in Japan find “alternative” sources for sex.
@Simeon
Thanks – I don’t intend to give up as i love my wife dearly, and you are right, not having the time to even try is exacerbating the non-activity too. Anyway, I feel like now I am going through each of the first 4 of Kubler-Ross’ emotional behavior stages, at various stages if that is possible :
* Denial (this isn’t happening to me!)
* Anger (why is this happening to me?)
* Bargaining (I promise I’ll be a better person if…)
* Depression (I don’t care anymore)
* Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes [or whoever doesn’t in this case …] )
I don’t think these apply only to physical health …. there is still loss in this. Anyway, my appreciation of farce and irony is what keeps me going, and I appreciate you sharing your point of view.
I was searching for japanese marriage statistics for an assignment and this comes up o.O.
God dang I’m appualed at this perversion.
=/
I am a foreign woman who was married to a Jap. man for many years and I can say that aftr 3 years of marriage the sex went out of the door. We were like roommates until I decided to divorce him. and even then he couldn’t understand why I wanted to leave him, he would say just don’t ask me for anything and we can stay together. So for him it was normal to be sexless in his mid thirties because that is how most Japanese men are. No libido.
I live in jpn and this country is a desert for women.
And I must say I am quite a curvy woman with a good size derriere and a big bust, most men aren’t intersted in that, they all like these fake blondes who look like cheap barbie dolls and speak in a squeaky voice.
An advice to foreign women who are thinking of coming to this sexless land, don’t come unless you like these nerdy, ugly men with pencil size penises who are scared of a foreign woman.
Jade,
Was it good at the beginning? So many of the posts here talk about gaijin men who had great sex at the beginning but then it dried up like a puddle in the desert. Is it the same for gaijin women? Any idea what did it?
Wow Jade harsh words… You sound awfully bitter. But you shouldn’t classify all Japanese men negatively because you’ve had a bad experience. You say Japanese men don’t like women with bust and rear, but that’s not true… And unless you’ve had sex with every man out here you can’t determine that they all have pencil dicks. Because when you stoop so low as to refer to a whole group of men that way, its easy for someone to say that you’re lying about curves, and that you’re just a chubby woman who doesn’t know how to attract a man sexually.
Japanese men aren’t scared of foreign women… they are actually very polite and they speak to you when given the chance. You sure your bitterness doesn’t scare them off…?
Choose your words carefully.
This has been an interesting thread to read and of course very familiar to hear these stories, how many gaijin have been caught out in the trap.
But the answer is quiet simple in terms of keeping the marriage sexlife active, it is just very alien and sometimes even repugnant to westerners.
When you marry a japanese women you really are the lord and master, their society over hundreds of years has evolved like that.
If you stop acting like that your wife will lose respect for you and will simply become a robot. Since the end of the war and the emergence of the salaryman this has become the norm in many japanese marriages as well as cross cultural ones.
If a gaijin learns early that sex is something that you can demand any time from your wife without questions or reasons why not and that you can order your wife to the bedroom at the drop of a hat, and that this is what she EXPECTS from you and what she ENJOYS, then she will stay the beautiful passionate women you married.
if you tenderly ask her if she is “up for it” chances are she will say no or be too shy and over time your sex life will die. Dont give herthe option and tell her what to do sexually and the passion never dies.
If you have a problem with that then you have married the wrong nationality plain and simple. east is east.
not all japanese men have fallen into the weak salaryman trap. a very wise japanese man of the old school who was a student of mine taught me that and saved me many years of unhappy marriage. My wife is my best friend and the hottest women i have met and after seven years and one kid we still at the very very least have sex three or four times a week.
Good call. Many women get turned on by a man who knows what he wants and takes it. You can be a nice guy the rest of the time (and I suggest you do, since modern Japanese girls are not happy to play the servant role like their mothers did) but when the lights go out you should take a more dominating role. It gets them aroused. You need to take it when you want it. Pure sexual desire that can’t be stopped is quite sexy to a lot of women. You just need to know where to draw the line. If she ever says no in a serious voice you need to stop. But remember that sex is animal in nature, and should never begin with a discussion as to whether or not to have sex.
This reminds me of a funny tale. I had a Brazilian friend in Japan before and he was telling me about his first sexual experience with a Japanese woman. She started moaning “yamete, yamete”. So he actually stopped. The girl was like, “WTF? I didn’t mean it literally.”
I`m from Scotland have a Japanese wife,she is a very kind and caring person and we had a good sex life,but we got married 3 month`s ago and I have noticed that our sex life has taken a dive,I will not explain to much about sex,but We really don`t have much of a sex life now,so I can understand the above comments on this issue.I really don`t know why this is the case,Honestly i believed this was just our case till I came across this site and seen there is many people that have this same problem. I love my wife and also see her as a friend,though I believe a wife should be a best friend and also lover.But what can we do? Loose the love of our lives because they don`t have as much sex with us,that is not good and would be very wrong,but I do feel sex is and should be important in a relationship and I guess we need to also accept WE did agree to have a Japanese G/F and wife,so we need to find something that works for all of us in our relationships.though that is hard,right guys? anyway thank you for reading my message
oh and btw,I live in Japan with her..sorry just forgot to say
colin
please pardon me, would you mind answering the following…
how old are you?
how many non-japanese girlfriends have you had?
how many japanese girlfriends did you have before your wife?
how long did you date before marriage?
Mitaboy
I`m 31 also My wife is the same age.and For the Girlfriends that I`ve had,around 4 that were western.and to answere you about how many Japanese g/f`s i had,well just one before My wife,though that was not really a good example of a G/f,as It was long distance,but we did stay together for many months .. and i was dating My wife for around 1 and a half years before we got married.. so how about you? do you have a Japanese wife?
colin thanks
not married. have had several j-gfs. i’m studying this phenomenon and have discussed it with sevral j-girls & guys.
are you in tokyo?
i really would like to chat with you outside of the board
Yeah I live in Tokyo,Koto ku area…are you in Tokyo?
in minato-ku. we could meet at shinagawa station, or ginza. if we chose a location, date and time that might work