Sexless Japan – Really?

Modern Japanese Women - are they Sexless?With maid cafes where pretty young girls that ooze submissiveness to their “masters”, and “shuccho health” (出張ヘルス, basically, dial-a-prostitute) and soap-lands (sensual bathing houses with soapy special service) to vending machines for porn, and specialty shops with used high school girl underwear; Japan, at least on the surface appears one of the most sexually proactive nations in the world. Japanese men are as perverted (if not more perverted) than those in other countries, and as for the ladies, on top of being naturally feminine (with petite sexy bodies, skin that doesn’t seem to change complexion from childhood, pretty faces and silky black hair), the women of Japan have no misconceptions about what style – clothes, perfume and make up – makes a man stop in his tracks, and rouse that tingle in his loins.

When interacting with others, sex and everything surrounding it is fair game for a topic of conversation in Japan and, it is certainly not frowned upon by religious groups or society at large as it is in the USA and other countries. When it comes to secreting sexual hormones and sexuality in general, almost nothing is taboo in Japan – until that is, the day one gets married, or so it seems. Indeed in stark sexual contrast, Japan may be suffering from a sexual drought, where being totally open about sex and being sexy in general, doesn’t seem to be converted into the ins-and-outs of baby making when it comes to married couples.

The state of sexless marriage in JapanShown in these statistics, a recent survey by Japan’s health ministry found that as many as one-third of all marriages in Japan are sexless. The problem is now so widespread that the government fears it is a major contributor to the dramatic plunge in Japan’s birthrate (now only 1.28 births per woman). This sexless phenomenon is not only found in those relationships that are plunging down the drain toward divorce, but to the contrary, more and more couples that consider themselves healthily married (and have no intention of separating), have not had sex with each other in the last month or more (the common definition of “sexless” in Japan), with many saying that they have not had sex together in the last 6 months to one year.

According to the most recent survey of 41 nations last October, the average Japanese has intercourse 45 (and according to Bayer Pharmaceuticals as low as 17) times a year, compared with the global average of 103. Japan is repeatedly at the bottom of the list. Last year it trailed Singapore, which was 28 shags a year higher!

The term “sexless”, was first used in Japan in the early 1990s, but now is instantly recognizable to the Japanese as a universally understood concept, and widely discussed in the media. There are books on the subject and thousands websites and heartbreaking blogs discussing sexless Japan, while letters on the subject fill agony columns on “dear doctor”-type sites.

Sexless JapanOne in five sexless couples say they view sex simply as a nuisance. A small number cite the lack of a private space, because children or elderly parents often sleep just the other side of a paper-thin door, leading many married couples to even sleep in separate rooms. Mitsui Home announced recently in an Asahi Newspaper article, that in 30% of the new houses they build, the couples are asking for 2 “master” bedrooms. This is a shocking statistic, which shows that sexless couples want to continue living their lives together – separately! “We are sort of room-mates rather than a married couple”, one 31-year-old man, who had not had sex with his wife for two years, told the Asahi Shinbun.

There are many other theories about why the Japanese become less inclined to raunchy evenings in the sack together, but likely it is a mixture of some of these:

  • Stress of work/life in Japan (maybe the taihen cloud?)
  • Lack of understanding, and usage of contraception, especially “the pill” (who wants to use condoms with their wife!?), making sex with your wife viable only when you want to have a baby
  • Abundance of 不倫 (furin, or extra-marital) relationships
  • More and more Japanese women choosing career over family
  • A tendency among Japanese married couples to feel an aversion to sex with their spouse, not because they dislike one another, but rather because they feel that they have more of a sister-brother relationship; the sanctity of which would be destroyed with a repulsive incest-like feeling, by what westerners would consider normal conjugal relations

The last point is an interesting one, as in the past, it has been traditionally Japanese women who complained that they couldn’t see their hubby “as a member of the opposite sex.” But in the last few years, there’s been an exponential increase in men who can’t view their wives as sexual partners either. While it is true that many Japanese married couples seem to be sexless in nature, they key thing to remember is that this certainly does not mean that they lack the desire for sexual fulfillment. While marriage and children may bring on a sex drought in the home, Japanese people who want (and in the case of most men, need) sex do not simply abstain from sex because they cannot see the feminine qualities in their own wife, or the sexual attraction of their hard working husband.

Japanese housewife seeking sexJapanese men love their companies; they live for work, and many don’t even think it is a problem if they don’t have sex with their wives. They have pornography and the sex industry (soap lands, cabaret bars, and dial-a-girl services, and trips to Taiwan) to take care of their needs, but their wives have nowhere to go. They just suffer in silence.. or do they? The divorce rate in Japan has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, with more women blaming their sexually inactive, as opposed to sexually errant, husbands for break-ups. Though they may not be seeking sexual pleasure from their better halves, married Japanese women are seeking intimacy from other sources (many even claim to have a sex addiction), leading double lives – being the good mother, while at the same time seeking out “Leroy” the lover, who is always lurking, and ready to fulfill her every desire.

Sex Friend search sites are used by women in Japan widelyJapan is full of temptation, and it doesn’t matter whether you are a housewife or salary-man, there is plenty of raunchy action waiting out there – if that is what you desire. Furin sites to find a (extra marital) “sex friend” partner are just as rampant in Japan as in other countries, however they are much more widely used by women in Japan to solve their sexless quandaries. For the more conservative ladies, sites like mixi.jp – which are neutrally classed as “social networking” spaces – are abound with profiles (men and women) looking for partners to secretly spruce up their sexless, but otherwise happily married lives.

Many Japanese marriages may be sexless, but this is only a statistic about the state of sex within marriage itself. In fact, there may be a good reason for the sexless condition of marriages here – Are the Japanese getting enough of the good stuff outside their marriages to keep them happy? I certainly think so.

Japanese people will never be sexless as individuals; therefore Japan is not sexless, so don’t let mere statistics confuse the situation!

(If you are married in Japan, or married to a Japanese, let us know what you think of “Sexless Japan” by leaving a comment below!)

1,228 thoughts on “Sexless Japan – Really?”

  1. @JustWonderin:
    You wrote: “As someone with a J girl, who some day I hoped to marry..”

    These are the facts, and they are not in dispute:
    1) You are dating a Japanese girl. ENJOY IT! Have fun! Have sex! Be happy! Life is grand! If I wasn’t so repulsed by Asian women, I would even consider dating a Japanese gal.

    2) DO NOT MARRY HER. DO NOT EVEN “HOPE to MARRY” her. If you marry her, you will be Poster #1500 writing, “WHY DIDN’T I LISTEN TO YOU??!!” Ask her to marry you, have a 200 year engagement, but don’t marry her and DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HER!!!

    @Dr_M. I read your entire entry and I feel your pain. Been there, done that, and I laughed when you wrote about the naato (that stuff looks and tastes like rubber cement).

    Walk away. Life is too short to waste on a J-wife. I know you have kids, but they will understand.

  2. @kayumochi
    Yes no doubt! Isn’t it true a Japanese girl is negative 8 years to her western counterparty in terms of maturity level?
    @heinrich
    Good advice!! I wish I was told the same 13 years ago!

  3. Just a follow up and thank you to all who have replied so far: I am in love with the western idea that your wife is your soul mate. Work friends, childhood buddies, sisters and brothers, in my mind should all be second to your life partner. I have been as attentive as a Labrador dog in terms of clues, hints suggestions about how a gaijin is supposed to behave in a relationship with a J-wife. I feel I have re-arranged my core self to try to accommodate and elevate my partner. I am confident she would not be where she is now without me. And vice versa.
    Currently, I am not unsuccessful financially nor looking to flout that. What I’m getting from J-wife is that I don’t compare to her sister’s husband, her friends’ cousin or the guy down the hall. It’s a never ending quest for “what do you want? My conclusion is that a moving and largely irrational target is hard to hit.
    “But I love her….” Not really. I love the children we have and want to be a strong presence in their life. Our marriage, the relationship between adults, in her mind has been cast aside for all intents and purposes. Yet she still complains I am a lax husband and father despite her lack of intimacy or council. Apparently, if I am not clicking the camera often enough with her in the center at the park or beach. I also don’t care what about the latest on TMZ.
    Someone on here recently said something to the effect of “grown men tire of children.” Despite the complexity of a multi-ethnic marriage and with all due respect to my wife’s age and experience, I humbly agree. At some point you realize the woman you grew up with is different than you would have envisioned on a grown up level. I am not the same either and not without blame for past mistakes, I’m just saying people who think they can change elements of another person or that emotional/intellectual growth will follow age miss the point. You can’t change spots on a leopard and this is something I should have seen a mile away.
    All I can envision is a day when, as Dave Chapelle says, I get the four thing men need to be happy:” suck his d%$#, play with his balls, fix him a sandwich and don’t talk so much.” Crass I know but who doesn’t yearn for the simple life? A pipe dream if ever there was one.
    I guess my conclusion is: you take your lumps in life and the devil you know is better than the one you don’t. To quote from the film The Departed: “I’m fuckin’ Irish, so I’ll deal with something being wrong the rest of my life.” That seems to be the way the wind is blowing. Wish me luck, I’m gonna need it.
    Dr. M

  4. Dr.M

    Thank you for sharing. As I type this my J-wife is laying in bed internally gloating to herself how she was able to avert sex with me this morning. She has this sadistic personality that allows her to have great pleasure in seeing or thinking that I am wanting of her….and of course that she will not comply.

    As many have eluded too, J-women have minds of early teen girls and the spirit of old bitter women. Abstract ideas and anything of substance is way over their heads. I for one see light at the end of the tunnel and hope to post on this forum if I ever reach that light.

    I can not remember the last time I actually looked at her in the face. Although she talks constantly I pretty much tune her out,yet try to keep life as civil as possible at home as to reduce the over all stress. Her child-like mind was able to almost comprehend an idiom about “Being careful of the bed you make because you may have to lay in it later.” She knows in that back of her mind that she will be laying in her own bed soon enough. But I try not to give a single clue.

    My simple wish is to be free of her, that all men married to J-women can eventually be free as well and that any man considering marriage to a J-woman abandon the notion before its too late.

  5. Doug

    I see you are still hanging in there. I suppose your kids are still young so that keeps you from leaving. I think you are doing the right thing by at least working out and expending some of the stress. My relationship mirrors yours except me and mine do not have any kids together. She actually and literally views her dog as her daughter. I actually got vasectomy two years after we got married when I saw the crazy come out of her and I realized that 1)I am too old for babies and 2)I sure as hell don’t want any with her.

    May I suggest that you start develop an exit strategy and commit to it. Give yourself a goal, for example 1 year after the kids turn 18 or something like that. Work on that goal constantly, put money away, plan, try not to let your roots go too deep into your present home and situation. Step by step as the months turn into years that day will come and when it does JUMP.

    Let me tell you, its all a game in their minds. The one goal is the keep you emotionally unbalanced and to know that she has control over your emotional well being. Every effort you put into keeping the relationship alive tells her, she is in control. She can give some slack and pull back at will, in order to keep you engaged in the fight. Like a fish on the line….the fun part is feeling them fight and squirm. She enjoys this from you. The sex only while standing game again was to only put you in a state of frustration, she thinks its awkward for you or at least not as comfortable as in bed, therefore its the only way. I ignore mines mostly so her games have no affect on me….but still she tries anything to annoy me. Once she waited until I was sound asleep and pretended to choke just to startle me out of my sleep. She intentionally tries to break her computer and runs in, in a panic complaining. Of course I know her game and actually have VNC running and saw her do it LIVE. I fixed it from my computer and told her to show me, however I had fixed it back and she was outdone with the stupidest look.

  6. @997JustWonderin

    i think you may be right as to who frequents that forum most.

    i have been married to a j woman for 8 years and we have 2 kids.

    i am v happy with our marriage and i accept some issuess as unavoidable in any relationship.

    having said that i knew several j women and knew intuitively i could not be happy with their soft and cute attitude; ie girlish?

    but when i met my current wife i decided that she was it – she is opinionated, direct, self achieving and clever to the point i considered sufficient for an equal, long term partner.

    for me a j wife was and is a wonderful part of my life.

    i love natto and other things. So that may help a tiny bit but perhaps what makes a bigger difference is my non anglo bacground so perhaps a bit different expectations and values in life. Do not know. do not want to discuss that here.

    btw, the reason i am reading the forum is an interest in better understanding j women and their relationships – mostly in context of trying to understand some of my and my wife’s friends better.

  7. Hi Guys,
    It’s been 34 years and I am still married to my Japanese wife. We have six kids.
    We are very active sexually and I feel our relationship is growing. It is not easy. I do a lot
    of forgiving and forgetting. We come from different backgrounds and it I feel that we have to each go out of our comfort zone to find a higher love that keeps us together. I am not just hanging in there for the sake of the kids. I want to experience joy, intimate love, with my wife. I stopped comparing to my previous relationships with woman years ago.
    I am trying to make her happy and learn what it takes to do that. Women are very different from us and Japanese women are very special, and come from a special background.
    If you are in a marriage relationship, you have to be ready to give 110% to make it work.
    We are restoring some difficult historical issues in our relationships. Not only east and west cultural differences, but man and woman differences as well.
    Please hang in there and give it your best, if you are up to it. You have to make a deep commitment to make it work. For me for now my relationship with my wife is the core of my life. I understand how difficult it can be. I have been very depressed at times with the challenges of making this relationship enjoyable! We have to respect our wives, the course Japanese women have been through historically, and we as western men are here to help them on the path to experience a real relationship with us as a partner in life. something I think their history has largely been lacking.
    I think of the book 5 languages of love and the concept of thinking from my wife’s perspective to try to reach her and love her.
    wishing the best for all of us to find love and share love in happy marriages!

  8. I do believe in God and my faith has helped me to get beyond my own limited power to love others

  9. I think a Woody Allen Quote would be appropriate.

    “To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.”

  10. “there’s no need to feed the fish once it is caught….”
    How romantic! It kills your body and soul slowly.
    I have a Japanese wife, and I feel like a dying fish.
    I deeply feel sorry for most Japanese people, they are kind and polite, but they have no clue what love is.

  11. dealingwithit
    Serek

    I have never met a non-Japanese man who
    a. is married to a Japanese woman
    b. has children
    c. living in Japan

    who is happy – never.

    Every man whom I have met usually speaks of his unhappiness within minutes of verbalizing his marital status. The unhappiness has always been grounded in the lack if sexual intimacy.

    I advise all of my friends to lay certain ground rules in their relationships with women generally and Japanese women in particular, they have never failed.

    Do you live in Japan? If so where?

  12. Hello everyone. I continue to read the posts on here but it has been a while since I commented.

    Since I last posted I have been to one lawyer for advice. Soon I will see a different one for a second opinion. There is so much conflicting information on the Internet about what happens to foreigners when they divorce in Japan.

    Since I moved out a few months ago into my own place, my wife has been using my son to torture me. She has used guilt, threats, begging, and promises to try to get me to come back. My visits to see my son often end in some long argument or crying session between my wife and I (after he is asleep).

    At what I thought was my lowest point, I met someone else. Significantly, she is not Japanese. She is passionate and caring. I am paranoid about making a mistake there again, so I am highly attuned to anything that would suggest it isn’t real. I am sure that is her true personality.

    To anyone else considering leaving, weigh your options carefully. After over a decade, I know my wife better than she knows herself. Others can see us as what we are. We see ourselves as what we want to be. I know she cannot change so drastically that we could be happy together. I have not missed her for a single second. She was moody, manipulative, controlling, and selfish with impossibly high standards.

    While I don’t miss my wife, I miss my child so much that sometimes I wish I could just die. I want the pain to end. But I keep going for him and because I hope that this will get easier with time. I have to hope that. I have to try to make my life better for him and for myself.

  13. serek mitaboy10
    no, I do not live in Japan. and I must admit my wife is not a traditional Japanese woman. She came to USA by herself to go to jr college at age 17. She moved back to Okinawa and then to USA at age 23. She speaks English well and loves America. She always says she can not fit in Japan, people live in “boxes” psychologically.
    She is from southern Japan where I believe people are more warm and countryside, so that too is a plus.

  14. @Gregg Jones

    Our story is nearly parallel, and I will add to what you said:

    Background:
    1. I lived in Okinawa for three years. I lived off base, and I spoke fluent Japanese.
    2. I married my Okinawan girlfriend and brought her to America.

    Fact:
    1. Okinawans (“Uchinanchu”) are culturally different from mainland Japanese (whom they refer to as “Naicha”).
    2. Okinawans are more direct and open that mainland Japanese. If an Okinawan doesn’t like you, you’ll know.
    3. Okinawans generally dislike mainland Japanese, whom they view as “stuck up” and there is the World War 2 historical grudge.

    My Experience:
    My Okinawan ex-wife was no different than any of the other Japanese women described here. After the kid was had, she had zero interest in being a wife… only a mother.

    I too thought my ex-wife would be a non-traditional woman… I was wrong. Of course, when I married her in 1993, there was no internet and I had no idea of knowing what would happen.

    Live and learn.

    Best of luck to you.

  15. In our faith we teach that a person must experience 4 realms of love or what we call development of heart.
    1) the love a child experiences or receives from the parent
    2) brother and sister love
    3) conjugal love between husband and wife
    4) parental love – love or development of heart experienced through becoming a parent

    These types of love should be experienced in stages of life as one grows up in a family. My wife shares with me how she could not experience a warm love from her parents. She missed out on this and needs this kind of love from me, in the role of a father. So, I need to provide that sometimes, She has two brothers and a sister but does not seem too close to them. She has been somewhat liberated since coming to America and growing up in a community of faith wherein we try to practice being brothers and sisters as one family under God. She also has been taught the value of experiencing love in the conjugal relationship of marriage and that this relationship is where human beings can come together to substantiate the oneness of the male and female essences of God.
    We understand that the sexual relationship between man and woman is important and needs to be practiced to make this oneness. I admit that many times she is not there emotionally and I feel that I am going at it for myself – I understand that our relationship is a work in progress. When she is somehow emotionally connected to me she takes initiative and it is amazing.
    On the foundation of husband and wife unity, children can be raised by happy parents in a happy home. This is our belief and this is what we work towards in our relationship,
    without the vision and spiritual aspect in our lives, our relationship would not have made it this far.

  16. I am really appreciative of this thread. My clients are required to read this after they have retained me and BEFORE I coach/counsel them so that I have their undivided attention. Then, they can have relationships with their Japanese lovers/wives and avoid this pain.

  17. So as I understand it, from what people are saying is the grass is always greener.

    For those men bitching about not getting sex from your j-wives. Guess what, it’s the same deal EVERYWHERE..

    Take a look at yourself, are you fit, do you spend time grooming yourself, have you thought about making her long for you via dirty text messages and random interesting dinners?

    Women crave emotion, they want you to dominate them and tell them exactly what you are going to do to them, get their minds lusting for your man hood again.

    Check out http://marriedmansexlife.com/ and take the red pill… (this is a free blog and I am not affiliated with them in anyway!)

  18. I have to admit I have been frustrated many times in my marriage to my J wife. However, I think I can say the secret is to try to serve, try to love your wife. When I buy something for her, some clothing, or flowers, it does open some doors to a better relationship. Just keep giving. THe law of human relationship works, she will give back. Patience, humility and try not to have a lot of expectation. I have found this works. Kiss her, hug her and help her to learn how to keep a warm heart. by having one yourself!

  19. To the administrator: The links to the statistics in the links below are available to the public. They will not go back to my site which is a money making enterprise. As I stated in post 1023, I also use this site as required reading. The handle name I use here cannot be used to find my site.

    Some men believe that, “it’s the same deal EVERYWHERE..” others think, “the secret is to try to serve”. Interesting comments.

    I require my clients to examine the data, then they will unquestioningly do what I tell them.

    Here are the links:
    Japan Sex Data 1: http://www.1001kisses.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Jsurvey1.pdf

    Japan Sex Data 2: http://www.1001kisses.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Jsurvey2.pdf

  20. I posted a comment with links, hopefully, the administrator will approve them.
    These two statements, “it’s the same deal EVERYWHERE..” and “the secret is to try to serve” are not fully true.
    The links point to data that will refute those comments to some degree

  21. I was speaking from my own experience, “I think I can say the secret is to try to serve”
    I think we can all agree that the basic problem in marriage is one or both partners have selfish motivations, selfish desires, and are selfish! Someone has to make an effort to not be selfish, that is to think of the other – to serve the others needs.

  22. dealwithit,
    I think you have hit the nail on the head. To keep Jgirls happy you just have to keep buying them stuff. How is that different to prostitution or enjo-kosai?

  23. Hopefully the admin will see fit to approve the links I posted in an earlier email, the data would indicate that, “one or both partners have selfish motivations, selfish desires, and are selfish!” this is less true with Japanese women. Selfishness has very little to do with Japanese women and sexlessness.

    Admin, you may email me directly if you have questions.

  24. I don’t think you can generalize so easily with any race or gender. How is it different? Hopefully the man is not looking for just looking to get sex from his partner, but to build a growing and loving relationship.

  25. “I don’t think you can generalize so easily with any race or gender. How is it different? Hopefully the man is not looking for just looking to get sex from his partner, but to build a growing and loving relationship.”

    dealwithit:

    Have you not read the many post on this site? Yes: one can generalize because the generalization that Japanese women are not interested in sex after having children is a true statement almost all the time.

    I could be the most loving and caring man in the world to my wife. This would improve our relationship but I would still not get any action in bed from her. We are more like brother and sister at this point. I can improve the relationship with my sisters by serving them, and you can trust me on this that sex with one of my sisters will never happen.

    I an not looking just for sex from my wife. However: I do have a high sex drive and she has no sex drive. We have not had sex in two years and she has pretty much made it clear that we will never have it again.

    You also stated the following:”I have found this works. Kiss her, hug her and help her to learn how to keep a warm heart. by having one yourself!”

    My wife has always hated being kissed and she really never has responded to a hug. I have honored her by doing none of the above. I do not think my wife is pretty much a typical Japanese woman in that she does not like to be kissed. Maybe a peck on the check but like for many Japanese women a mouth to mouth kiss is just too unclean.

    Timmy

  26. wow, I am sorry to any of you if I sound insenstive. I guess my wife is unique. She came to America at 17 on her own and went to a jr college. She loves America and says she could not live in Japan. THat she feels too boxed in by the culture. She is unique even among the Japanese women who we know here in America. We have sex at least 4 times a week.
    I will be more emphatic to most of you here. My wife is from Kyushu and lived and left Japan early. She is most likely very different from women that never left Japan and had to learn a new culture. Also, as I said my faith definitely encourages sexual relations between husband and wife and my wife is a strong adherent!

  27. I read something recently that takes the pressure off. Essentially, we’re just mammals. We like to think that we’re complicated but we’re not to sophisticated unless we’ve reached a higher kind of enlightenment.

    So the best answer is to :

    Run around sticking your dick in as many holes as you can until it falls off from over-use
    Serve your wife god
    Go celibit
    Ask a doctor to hack off the trouble bits
    Get a lobotomy and watch a lot of tv
    Drink yourself silly in a pool of self pity
    Take up the cruel an uninteresting hobby of bonsai
    Complain about your spouse cause it’s all her fault anyway
    Go crazy exercising yourself into a frenzy
    Devote your energies in vain to making her love you
    Run around silly screwing as many things as you can. Oh I said that one
    Realize that we are just genetic guinea pigs of aliens who are taking notes at our apparent inability to see the big picture
    Or whatever makes your ring dilate so you can get rectal relief.

    Oh yeah. You could get religion or some other kind of mass hypno-amnesia.

    I cycle through all of the above these days. When you’re conscious about your lack of sanity all of the crazy ‘answers ‘ above seem to ‘gel’ and make utter sense.

  28. Some say that life isn’t all about the sex and instead it’s about growing old together and holding hands while walking in the park.

    Don’t mind the park. Take me straight to your bush lady!

    I love the sunrise as much as any other dude and I promise to think momentarily about its beautiful arrival as me and her roll on into a shared orgasmal experience

  29. @ poor dear heinrick

    Dude I feel your pain

    Your posts have tended to repeat themselves quite well.

    Thanks for your opinion about whether I should or should not be among the privileged few who post here, such high brow reading as it is.

    I have in my way posted. If a horse is what you ride I’m not surprised at you wanting to get off quick.

    I’m not apologetic for sorting myself out and getting laid when where and how much I want now

  30. @ dealwithit You are not insensitive just not knowledgeable enough about Japanese women

    I have never met a non-Japanese man who
    a. is married to a Japanese woman
    b. has children
    c. living in Japan

    who is happy – never. Please note the 3(THREE) elements.

    Every man whom I have met usually speaks of his unhappiness within minutes of verbalizing his marital status. The unhappiness has always been grounded in the lack of sexual intimacy.

    Japanese people do not have the same outlook on sex as non-Japanese people.

    I advise all of my friends to lay certain ground rules in their relationships with women generally and Japanese women in particular, they have never failed.

    If you want data on the Japanese perspective on sex, please email the admin and I will send it to you. I have links to which I have no affiliation, however, the admin exerts the prerogative of allowing some posts(1024) with links and not others. I tried to post them earlier to no avail.

  31. @mitaboy10 – See comment 1026 above – it’s there now. It was caught in the auto-spam catcher, and I have now “unspammed” it. I don’t censor/remove any posts here, except those that are spam, or completely irrelevant to this topic.

  32. @Blue It has been a while, since we have exchanged emails. THANKS! Didn’t know if staff had changed.

    And, I am giving credit where credit is due as this site and the data that is presented in the links above makes the acceptance of my strategies much easier.

  33. @mitaboy10 great links, really unbelievable how low Japanese rank on various things. To those familiar with the situation, not surprising at all.

    As an update, due to lack of sex, I went back to counsellor by myself explaining the situation. I said I was attracted to her but due to lack of interest on her part I wasn’t sure what to do. She thought splitting up, getting her interested again, or open relationship were possibilities.

    The following week she went to her by herself. What they determined was that although she is attracted to me, she felt stress from dealing with kids all the time and so was too tired for sex, although we still did it, it was always me initiating etc. She said she tried to masturbate alone but couldn’t get wet. At least she tried, that’s a first I thought.

    Going forward, she told her to lessen the stress by getting baby sitter, relaxing more etc. In addition, she will get her hormones checked and try different things in bed, lingerie etc. That night we had sex and she had an orgasm so hopefully things will improve. This stuff is definitely not natural for her, but at least she’s trying.

    None of her married Japanese friends with kids in the US are having sex at all. I flat out told her that’s not going to work for me, ever.

  34. @ Doug “None of her married Japanese friends with kids in the US are having sex at all” never heard this before, however, given the data I’m not surprised at all. Many(most?) non-Japanese men rush into marriage to Japanese women. Interesting how these men who will spend fortunes on MBA’s, won’t invest without due diligence, but these same men will totally drop the ball with regards to Japanese women.

    Wish I had talked to the guys in the U. S. BEFORE they had gotten married and the sexlessness issue would not have likely to have occurred. Most guys have no idea of what they are getting into with Japanese women and how to circumvent it. The issue is more difficult to be remedied after it has taken root. but, it can be remedied. Men have to plan, execute, and gut it up.

    The Japanese women will turn things around.

    I can only hope guys will read the data, and consider and plan for their sexual futures before they get married, it isn’t that difficult to do.

  35. @mitaboy10 very true, the data is plain to see and is so strikingly different from other countries it’s frightening. I guess it’s like young people who think they’re invincible and so drive recklessly etc. they don’t think they’ll ever die. The foreigner probably thinks that that’ll never happen to them since they are having so much sex (while dating) and they’re just ‘better’ than other guys, even if they do see the data.

    Another thing is that considering that there does not exist the western inhibitions to sex, it’s confusing based on the sex culture that exists in Japan. One might assume that women would be more open to sex in Japan in general. Little do they know that is the furthest from the truth.

    If you plan on getting married to a Japanese and would like to have a healthy sex life after kids, take heed and read the data. You will most likely be very disappointed. Shockingly so.

    I guess I’m in a gray area in that my wife is at least attempting to improve things, and is more willing than before. We kiss during sex a lot more compared to before, but whether she truly takes this to heart and becomes more willing and excited and fun loving for the long term is 50-50. I think about the scorpion and the turtle and think maybe that’s just who she is. Especially at her age I wonder whether she can change. A least the counsellor is pushing her which I appreciate. We will reassess in October.

  36. @ Doug I have coached non-Japanese men before and after they go married. AFTER they retain me I require that they read the data that is readily available. They read for hours and come back to me in a state of shock. Nearly all allude to or make this ridiculous statement, “BUT, I’m just ‘better’(sexually) than than other guys!”

    Then I ask them key questions and show videos of what I do and how Japanese girls respond to me and they look sullen. Guys lie to themselves about their sexual performance and girls lie to them about it too. Most men do not know what to “look for” and “feel for”, they are too busy listening, which can be easily faked – what a mistake.

    While it is true that sexual technique is A KEY factor, and most men have ‘no-idea'(this is easily proven) what they are doing sexually it is not THE KEY factor. I’m from America, if the sex is good, the woman can be easily hooked. That does not play here, the data is plain to see. The mindset about sex is totally different.

    That said, the key is having the Japanese woman feel a sense of loss by not allowing a sense of sexual harmony to be created. Most men do not know how to create the sense of loss for Japanese women, it is harder to create once married but it can be done.

  37. Mitaboy has a good point.

    IMO the first mistake is letting a J-women see/feel/think that you have a ‘need’ and that you need them to fulfill it…

    Once you show this, you are in fact showing weakness. A weakness that they can not help to exploit and use to control you via misery.

    Women are very adept at seeing subtle hints in emotion and mannerisms, they know when they have control of you.

  38. Fact is as much as J-women want to get away from the ‘traditional’ Japanese marriage and think that marrying a foreigner will do it, they actually revert back to the Japanese way of life. Most women [I have seen] do by following, they do what they have seen before. How to act and what to do in a relationship has already become engrained in them, so as much as they try, they will revert back to the relationship they want to avoid. That would be the dry lifeless, emotionless, non-loving typical J-marriage. Ignoring them and not showing affection actually gives them a reassuring comfort of normalcy.

  39. @Coconut “the first mistake is letting a J-women see/feel/think that you have a ‘need’ and that you need them to fulfill it…” Right on target!!

    My first Japanese GF realized I can stand alone when she asked, “Do you want me to do the dishes?” I responded, “No, thanks, I’ll do them.” Minutes later she asked about doing the laundry and I gave a similar response. She said, “You really do not need me…”

    I reminded her that I was not a Japanese man. I can clean better than the average woman and I can cook and with a book I can cook better than many women. “No, I do not need you in that way.” I was married in the States and sometimes I ironed HER clothes. We went out a lot, my life was a little public, and I said, “Honey, you are with me, you can’t be wrinkled.”

    When I decided upon divorce, she said, “Okay, I have to accept that but can we still have SEX!” I laughed and said, “Nope!” We are still friends, she contacted me during the big earthquake in Japan and talked to my mother in America.

    My point, many men come to Japan with limited sexual experience, they get “P*#sY Whipped” into submission by erroneously thinking they are ‘sex gods’. They aren’t, not even close – but they get sucked into believing so(their ‘need’ being fulfilled) and with what appears to be an unselfish-like serving nature(cooking, cleaning, etc.) by Japanese women get into emotionally draining long term relationships or worse yet – married.

    The sex was pretty good between my first girlfriend and me, but not nearly the frequency I was accustomed to in my relationships in America. Needless to say, not with her any longer, I establish certain rules in my relationships and I do not stray from them.

    When my clients implement those rules in married(or otherwise) relationships the scales tip back to a balance that the man can live with.

  40. Woω that was odd. Ӏ just ωrote an very lοng commеnt but after I clicked submit my сommеnt didn’t appear. Grrrr… well I’m
    not writing all that over аgain. Regardless, just ωanted
    to saу excellеnt blog!

  41. weight gain:

    That has also happened to me. Very frustrating. I now save before I click submit.

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